Bullying Doesn't Always Lead To Suicide

A couple of weeks ago I was with Max was in a class type situation that wasn't actually a part of his school.  The kids were having some kind of discussion with each other and I wasn't paying much attention to them so I didn't hear what they were saying until the teacher comes up to them to discuss some comment that one of the kids made.

He launched into a very long, very serious, very very serious speech about how evil bullying is.  He tells them that making fun of people is never alright, that it's so hurtful that some teenagers kill themselves because they feel so bad about the bullying they suffered.

Listening to the teacher I suddenly just knew that it was my kid who was really being lectured, under the guise of a "good opportunity" to talk to the group about a serious subject.  I knew that it was my kid that had made some unfortunate, and from the tone of the lecture well under way- possibly EVIL, comment.  I have a sixth sense about these things.  Or perhaps it's nothing more than being able to tell when all the light leaves my son's body and he turns inward in discomfort and shame.

I was getting uncomfortable with this lecture.  To mention one time that bullying can lead to a person's suicide might be an effective way to get a child's attention and illustrate how serious a problem that might seem small can result in something really horrible, but in the course of a ten minute lecture, suicide from bullying was brought back to the forefront of the lesson at least three times.  I am not a wimpy parent when it comes to telling my kid the worldly truths he's going to have to face, but I very nearly removed Max from the situation which I felt was, both by the strength of feeling of the teacher as well as the incredible length of the lecture, a kind of backhanded form of bullying in itself.

The irony almost took my breath away.  The teacher's words were like a battering ram against those kids, and against mine who (it turns out I was correct) was the main person for whom the lecture was rolled out in the first place.

Not all children are the same and this is what makes you a better parent for your own child than I could be.  I am not intending to speak for anyone else's children or experiences, I am going to speak from and for my own. 

My child has a conscience.  It is still under construction as is the case with nearly all kids.  But though it may not be complete, mature, and deeply tested yet, I already know he has one.  He nearly always knows when he's done something wrong and most of the time he feels bad about it.  He has some impulse control issues that are stronger than is usual for kids his age, this being part of the ADD issue, and so he does regrettable things often without thinking and the minute he thinks about it he feels ashamed.

He also feels ashamed when he does things accidentally that upset others.  He doesn't know how to deal particularly well in these situations, though I continue to try and teach him, and he often becomes a little belligerent to hide his shame. 

How you give kids lessons about their behaviors, how you discipline them should be reflective of the behavior you wish to change or discipline as well as working with the child's individual nature if you want good results.  When Max already feels shame about something he's done and particularly if he's already been read the proper riot act (such as by a teacher) it isn't effective for me to make a big deal out of it all over again at home.  He doesn't hear me because he's already grappling with the troubling sensation of feeling like a crappy human being.  He's extremely sensitive to the words people use and his propensity for taking his shame inward while projecting a kind of belligerent tough behavior outwards is truly dangerous to himself.

He doesn't talk about killing or hurting himself when he's upset with himself nearly as often as he used to but I can recognize those feelings in his face when he's experiencing them.

I work hard to find the right balance between discussing and addressing any problems Max is having and backing off before he's stopped listening.  I am constantly playing against other adults in this.  Other parents, other teachers, people out in the world.  If they come on strong but I agree with their message I am careful to let Max know that I agree with them but also to acknowledge it when he feels someone has been harsh.  I will tell him when I honestly agree with him but make sure he knows that the other person was treating the situation in the best way they knew how.

And then every once in a while some teacher or adult that Max deals with will piss me the hell off and I will let Max see my indignation.  He deserves to know that sometimes mom's rage is raised by the treatment other adults give my child.

The result, so far, has been that Max trusts me.  He believes that I will help him navigate these situations no matter how impossible they feel to him.  He trusts me enough to be willing to talk to me about the tough situations he gets into and he looks to me to gauge the true measure of his mistakes.  In my view, this is how it should be.

As is customary with Max when he suddenly finds himself in the soup, he stiffened up and shut down his face during the lecture about bullying.  I anticipated a long gentle talk about the teacher's own personal point of view having driven the lecture and reassuring Max that saying "I like to make fun of people who like different things than me."* is not a sign of being evil, as was nearly suggested.  The great surprise to me was that he went on to enjoy his class and didn't carry this awful shaming with him the rest of the day up until bed time.  I believe it's a sign of his growing confidence in his own conscience and in his own sense of right and wrong.

The reason the speech about bullying bothered me so much, aside from the dire warnings of causing people to kill themselves, is that it was uncompromising and very BLACK AND WHITE.  All teasing is bad, wasn't just the alluded to message, the teacher actually said that all teasing is bullying and bullying is always very bad.  I myself was bullied quite a lot as a kid and as a person have been relentlessly teased my whole life and though I take it much better now, I didn't back when I was a kid.  Even so, I am smart enough to recognize that there are many many different shades of teasing and even of bullying.  Making fun of someone because they like to play basketball instead of read books is not the same as telling someone they're ugly and stupid.

Teasing is a natural part of being human.  It's one of the ways we acknowledge differences between us lightly.  It's how we say "Hey, that's weird to me." and everyone notices the differences between themselves and others whether they'll admit it or not.  Noticing these things out loud is not, in my opinion, the heart of evil, nor is it bullying.  Not unless you are saying things specifically to be mean, or unless you are relentless in your teasing.  But those are shades of the issue.

I agreed with the teacher that bullying is not okay.  Bullying, as I understand bullying in the definition the dictionary offers: a person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people.

Making fun of people can be mean depending on the circumstances or it can be playful.  A person can be playfully making fun of someone and not know until too late that the person they're making fun of is especially sensitive about it.  Here in our house we make fun of each other frequently.  It is meant to lighten our mood, poke a little at each other's quirks to keep them out in the open to say to each other "you're different than I am, and I like you anyway" or "you're different than I am and I like that about you", and sometimes it's very very funny.

This whole incident reminded me of a lot of issues I hear parents express about public school or about standard tests or about the challenges of sending kids to camps or basically anywhere outside of home where your child is going to be under the care of adults who aren't you.

I was worried about how Max would deal with this situation of being somewhat bullied by a lecture about the evils of bullying.  I thought about dragging him out of there because I didn't think my kid deserved to have a comment he made be addressed in such a dire and PUBLIC manner.  But I didn't.  I decided that my job as a parent is to teach Max how to handle situations like this one.  He's going to have a lot of experiences I have no control over out in the world.  Sheltering him too much won't teach him how to navigate tough situations when he leaves home. 

My belief, and I don't care if anyone agrees with me or not, is that the buck always stops with the parents.  How Max digests and reacts to unpleasant situations, whether he really did do something terrible or not, will largely be learned through me and Philip.  It's us he comes home to.  It's us he turns to at the end of the day.  It doesn't matter how many hours he spends with other adults and other kids outside of home every day, it's us he comes back to and looks to for guidance.  It's us he watches and listens to and learns from more than any other adult figure in his life.

I have heard so many people complain about how kids fall through the cracks at public school as though that was a fault in the system.  Public school isn't a replacement for parenting.  You can't just send your kid to school and expect him or her to get everything they need from their teachers.  You still have to know what they're doing in class all the time, you need to talk to their teachers for checkups and you need to help them with their home work and make sure they're making good progress.

Public school is a tool.  Nothing more.  It's a tool for educating your child if you can't afford to send them to a private school of your choice or if you can't keep them at home to teach them yourself because you work full time or because you're not educated enough yourself to do a better job than the public school.

As parents we all make different choices for our children and if we're good parents (or trying to be) then we make those decisions based on who are kids are now rather than who we hope they will become.  I don't give a shit how a parent chooses to educate their children, I think there are flaws and benefits to all the choices under the sun, but what I know is that we are more responsible for our children than anyone else. 

It just came to me that it wasn't this teacher's job to shape how Max responds to bullying and it isn't for him to keep Max from becoming one.  It's MY job.  My job to address any backlash from such a strong verbal assault and my job to still agree with the principles being espoused.  My job to assure my son that teasing doesn't always lead to suicide and that sometimes teasing leads to better understanding, that sometimes it leads to laughter, and sometimes it even leads to love.  It's my job to teach Max all the shades between the black and the white of the issue and MY job to make sure he knows that making mistakes will happen and doesn't mean he's a terrible person. 

Max isn't falling behind in school because I WON'T let him.  Me.  I talk with his teacher and I sit with him every night he has homework.  A kid can't fall through the cracks if their parents are standing next to them the whole time and nudging teachers when your kid needs more help and getting outside help when they have special needs.

Max has a conscience.  He has mean moments like all kids do (YES I SAID ALL KIDS HAVE MEAN MOMENTS) and he's learning to hold things back a little more; to consider before he acts more often.  He's possibly taking longer than his peers because of his particular challenges, but he's getting there.

If you take total responsibility for raising your kid you also get to take total credit when your kid shines.

I want to remember this.  So far raising my special needs kid has been all up hill and exhausting and I haven't been able to tell if I'm doing anything right or not.  Taking Max away from that experience taught me that all my hard work to temper the outside experiences Max is having with our own unique familial style of living and thinking is paying off.  He is becoming more resilient and it's such a pleasure to see.






*That was the comment Max made which launched this very strong lecture.