How To Avoid Playdate Bloodshed

I have wished many times in my 8 years as a mother that there was some guide for how to get together with other people and their kids without insult, injury, or political sabotage.  Before having a kid I thought kids still played like I did when I was young: get on your bicycle, troll around town all day long with whomever you choose, and then at nightfall come home and piss your mom off for ruining your best sandals.  I had no idea that being a parent came with so many weird obligations, awkward "dates" with other children and their parents, and that I would find myself having to navigate the tremendously dangerous territory of parent-methodology.

When they send you home with those baby kits from the hospital they should include a parenting etiquette guide.  Is it OK to talk to rich parents on the playground if you are the only one not wearing Chanel sunglasses?  What do you do when your 18 month old clobbers someone else's kid?  Do you really have to stay with your child while they play with a kid whose parents you are sure are swingers?

I think there are a lot of people who could use a primer on how to conduct a bloodless, happy playdate.

The biggest pitfall of any playdate is negotiating through disagreements between children which crop up predictably because children are lying, irrational, self obsessed, and inherently selfish beings.  Yes, I am talking about your child too.  Mine, yours, and everyone else's.  I am not insulting children by saying the truth, I am getting the truth out of the way first because unless you can see that I'm right about that, then negotiations are probably going to be futile at your house.  The first thing you need to be able to recognize is: when to intervene.

When to intervene:

• When a disagreement is getting progressively louder- it is good to let children (and encourage them) to work out their difficulties on their own.  You can tell, if you are paying attention, whether progress is being made or not.  If you listen for a minute and the kids voices are getting increasingly loud and angry- it's time to jump in and help them.  If they are arguing but not getting more angry, give them a little more time to find a resolution.
  

• When you hear shrieking or screaming- sometimes children do this out of pleasure but every mother knows the sound of her child in distress.  If you hear screaming or loud crying you should investigate the situation.

• When you see blood- this may seem obvious, but with all the parents I have met over the years, I am sorry to say that there is always some parent who needs to hear the obvious.  I encourage my kid to treat injury calmly and casually.  This tactic has been met with very little success.  I have seen him fall off his bicycle and then stand up with a gaping bleeding knee and tell me he's fine, but I have also seen him get microscopic splinters in his feet and yell and scream as though he had a log jammed through his arch.  Go figure.  If there's blood, I intervene.

The first two scenarios can be approached and dealt with in the exact same way:

So you are sitting with your friend and the kids are playing.  You hear an altercation.  You both (correctly) have an ear on what's going on.  You notice that aggitation is increasing, voices are getting louder.    What do you do?  It doesn't matter which parent attends to the situation.  When dealing with play-date fights it is important that both parents put aside their partiality  for their own kid temporarily until the situation has been cleared up.  Be like Switzerland.  If one parent tackles a fight and another breaks out, the other parent should take a turn as Switzerland.

1.  Approach the heathens with caution.  Be prepared to listen to everyone and stay calm.

2.  Very calmly ask the kids what is going on?  You will immediately be able to tell how hard it's going to be to negotiate by the tone and number of voices that desperately try to get your attention.  If everyone talks frantically at once, you must stop them calmly and ask one kid to explain at a time.  I never ask for my kid's story first because you want all of them to feel confident that you are going to treat them all fairly.

3.  Try as best as you can to sort their stories out.  In most cases, you will get the gist of what has happened.  However- be very careful not to jump to conclusions.  If no one can agree on what actually happened it is best to administer some groundrules for ALL the children involved.  Say to them that you don't know exactly what happened and because you weren't there you would like everyone to agree to play together more thoughtfully and that the next time they get in a fight there will be consequences for EVERYONE.  The idea here is that in most cases kids aren't fighting because someone pulled ou t switchblade and made threats.  Fights are usually about fairly unimportant things and as the adult you should let them know that it takes two people to disagree.  That negotiating is an important art.

4.  If the kids come to a general agreement about what happened (such as "he wanted me to be the villain again and I am tired of it" and the other one says "Well I hate being the villain too") you suggest some possible solutions.  Always be sure that your solutions honor each child's complaint.  To be honest, it is not that hard to come up with good compromises.  If there have been hard feelings- both kids (or all kids) should be made to apologize to each other. 

5.  If the kids refuse to cooperate, tell them they each need to do something quiet by themselves and then try again in a few minutes.

6.  If it is clear that one child truly did something to the other one and you are VERY SURE about it (as in- you saw it or someone confesses) then come up with a consequence that will serve the situation.  An apology should be insisted on.  A consequence should be announced to the erring child that will be carried out if the action is repeated. 

7.  Be sure to carry it out should the behavior be repeated.

It is each parents' obligation to be directly involved in helping a play-date go well.  If, as a parent, you always let the other parent investigate and negotiate the disagreements, you are slacking off.  Get involved.  Kids learn from their parents.  You need to show them how to behave well with others, how to resolve problems, and how to get past disagreements.  Surprisingly, kids don't learn this on their own.

Here are some other tips and hints on how to have a successful play-date:

• When your kid is playing at someone else's house let them follow the games and rules that are customary there.  Don't constantly tell them not to jump on the furniture when all the other kids are doing it.  I let kids crawl over my furniture like monkeys and it's a bummer when another kid is here and their parents insist they don't join in.  If you are really uncomfortable with the way kids are allowed to play at someone else's house, then just don't have play dates there.
  

• Never assume your own kid doesn't instigate devilry.  All kids do it. 

• All parents should expect their kids to be civil and correct their kids when they are clearly not being kind.  My kid is not always kind and I ALWAYS stop him and address his behavior right there and make him apologize when called for.  It doesn't have to be a huge deal but just a reminder that they must mind their manners.  I cannot tell you how many parents have not bothered to address their children's behavior when the tables have been turned. 

• Never make the assumption that the loudest kid is the biggest troublemaker.  Often it is the quieter ones who get away with things at the expense of others.

• Never assume that girls aren't capable of violent behavior.  I've known a lot of little girls who are, in general, very sweet and nice.  Until they get mad and mean.  Or until they just happen to feel like administering some pain with a stick just to see what happens.  Girls, I've observed, are much sneakier than boys about the trouble they get into.  I've known quite a few parents with both a boy and a girl and I have seen the girl get off infinitely easier than the boy for the same crimes. 

• If kids are having a lot of disagreements, have them do something completely different for a while.  If they're playing inside, make them go outside for a while.  If they've been running around a lot, have them watch a movie for a while.  Or sit them down for some snacks. 

I don't think anyone needs me to tell them how to deal with a bloody situation, do they?

I personally hate the whole politics of parenting because other parents constantly frustrate me.  I avoid large gatherings of children and am so happy that many of Max's playdates are now a matter of dropping off one kid to play with the other.  No need to deal with walking on eggshells around other people's parenting methods.  In my house, I treat visiting children exactly as I treat my own.  And when I send my child to someone else's house I expect him to be treated the same as the kid he's visiting.  Simple.  So when I get frustrated I just get the duct tape out.

Just kidding.