Letting Go

Letting go is hard to do. Especially in a culture of mass information. My kid is almost eight years old and I have just, for the very first time, let him walk home from school by himself. We live very close to the school. In fact, I can see the school grounds from the corner of my cul de sac. It doesn't sound like such a big deal until you consider how few freedoms children of his age group generally have these days.

I don't know any kid his age who is allowed to ride their bikes freely all over town as I did when I was his age. I don't know any kids who ride or walk themselves to friends' houses. I see very few kids who walk themselves to and from school. When I was seven I used to walk myself to and from school every day which was about ten blocks from my house. Was it safe? Oh, mostly, except for the time I got mugged for my milk money. That actually happened within sight of my house.

I have tried to let my kid live a real life, using real garden tools as toys, using real forks and spoons for food (back when he actually ate food that required them), and I never managed to lock everything dangerous up in the house as we are advised to do. Mostly that's because we're kind of lame and those childproofing locks are a bitch to install and are often not just toddler proof but parent proof as well.

Anyway, I was thinking about how I have never let him walk anywhere by himself. Letting him cross the street to the neighbor's house last year was a big step for me. He thought I was kind of dumb to worry. I stood by my kitchen window pretending not to watch.

We all know what the worst that can happen is. The parent's worst nightmare is the pedophile.

If you haven't talked to your kid about this, you need to. Teach them how to keep themselves safe.

When Max was three he was trying to get me to let him play in the front yard by himself. The conversation went something like this:

Me "Come inside or play in the back yard. You can't play alone in the front."
Max "Why?"
Me "Because then I can't see you and I need to be able to see you."
Max "You can look out windows." This was true.
Me "But it's not safe for you to play out front without me there."
Max "Why?"
Me "Because you could get hurt. There are lots of cars that drive by fast."
Max "I won't go in the street"
Me "I know honey, but there are a lot of other ways you can get hurt."

I was trying to avoid scaring him too much.

Max "I won't get hurt. I'm careful."
Me "But there's no fence on the yard and people I don't know can walk by."
Max "I don't care!"
Me "I know you don't care but kids are very small and can be hurt by others."
Max "You mean they might try to steal me?"
Me "Well...yes, actually."
Max "If a person tried to steal me I would kick them in the penis!!"

I still didn't let him play out front without me for another three years, but I admit that I was impressed that my three year old already had a plan for dealing with malevolent strangers.

In deciding that it might be time to let the kid have a little more independence I thought about how I could possibly prepare him for avoiding bad situations and people. How much to say? I'm always surprised by how much he already knows and has thought about. I asked him if he wanted to be allowed to walk home by himself and he lit up and nodded his head violently.

"Alright," I said "then we need to talk about a couple of very important things. I need to know that you know what to do in certain situations, OK?" I asked him a series of questions:

What do you do if a stranger offers you candy? I don't need your stupid candy! I have my own.

What do you do if someone offers you a ride to anywhere? I don't take rides unless it's you or dad or a friend like Rex who is one of my best friends. (Rex is 8 years old.)

What do you do if someone tries to grab you? Well, first I would kick him in the balls and then I would punch him and then I would...(he had a very complicated list of violent maneuvers he plans to land on anyone unfortunate enough to try to grab him.)

I always tell him to yell, fight, scream like a banshee, and to do whatever it takes to get noticed by other people to get away from the stranger.

Other than that, what can you do? There comes a point when you have to let go a little. Because if they are going to know how to handle independence as adults they need to have earned it gradually under their parents' guidance. This is one of the very hardest things about being a parent in my opinion. I don't consider myself a particularly over protective parent, but I feel like putting my boy in a protective bubble where no pedophile can enter.

You really don't want to ask me what I think should happen to pedophiles either. It is one of the areas where I am irrational and my feelings betray my general nature of non-violence. I do believe that my feelings on the matter are raw, jagged, and primal, as they should be. I would not trust myself to be a judge or jury in the trial of any child-centric sex offender. I could not be trusted to administer fair treatment or application of our judicial system. Too much tiger in my heart for that.

It would be a disservice to let my fears prevent my son from a normal amount of independence and chance to assert his capabilities as a growing maturing human. So I am letting go. Ever so slowly.



Ways to empower your children:

• Teach them martial arts.

• Send them to a self defense class.*

• Talk to them often about what to do in scary situations.

• Make sure they know that no secrets are good secrets if suggested by an adult.

*In seventh grade PE class we had to take a course on self defense and one of the tricks I learned there helped me get out of the grasp of a mugger in San Francisco many years later. I didn't even know I remembered anything from that class but right when I needed it- it came back to me.