Move Over Heather Bailey!

The next design star has finally arrived.

Now, I've just done an exhaustive two page google search on my newest multi-dollar idea to make sure that no one has already stolen it. So far it seems that everyone has come dangerously close to good clothespin ideas and then totally missed the mark by doing clothespin magnets (which are cool, of course, but really don't compare) or clothespin dolls which are cute and folksy but when what you want is cutting edge? Not so much.

True genius lies in a clever use of cheap materials that take a minimum of labor to transform our perceptions of them from mundane to cutting edge design. I think I can safely say that with the clothespin hair accessory I have climbed new heights of sartorial domination and glory. Heather Bailey may come up with glamorous accessories that everyone wants, and she may have a face that is softer and dewier than a baby's bottom, but I, the great single monikered designer-ANGELINA, have done what everyone dreams of doing: come up with a trademark so complicated to keep track of and so clever that it will take years for anyone to figure it out and at that moment my posse of lawyers will descend on the unwary lesser "designers" like a pack of unfed wolves and make me a billionaire with the resulting lawsuits.

No, but seriously...It's time to get serious. This is the face I wear when I start talking earnestly about HOPE IN AMERICA on national television. A face that is properly concerned and serious while conveying a kind of honest yearning in the heart for a better world for future generations conveyed to you by the far off gaze that I achieve when thinking about how much I love cheese and how serious it would be if I could never eat it again.

I wonder if Max would get sent to the principle's office if he revealed his thoughts about President Bush. He may say things like: people in a story book the teacher has just read to the class "should all just go kill themselves", and by doing so effectively ruin the lives of all the kids he's in class with, but I wonder how much worse it might be if he was to tell his thoughts about the mighty evil Michael Vick who we all think should be mauled by dogs or, as Max likes to suggest: that he "be thrown in a jail cell filled with dog fur for the rest of his life?" Or how he would throw Bush in jail if he was in charge. The nice thing about my kid is that he's still on the good guy's side. Mostly. I wonder, if he blurted something out about God that no one in class agrees with would he get sent to the principle's office?*

I see the greatest misstep of Max's "incident" in school was that he spoke without raising his hand and didn't say anything that really had to do with the characters, exactly. I don't think what he said was so terrible. I think his teacher knew I wasn't on the same page of horror as she was. I am 95% sure I have been a nonstop disappointment to her as a parent which you should know has not made me feel the least bit bad about myself so much as it makes me acutely aware of what a disconnect there obviously is between her life experiences and mine.

I think I should flash her my HOPE IN AMERICA look more often to give her some reassurance. Then I should give her one of my clothespin hair accessories and later on nail her with a well timed lawsuit. Then I can afford to get Max a private tutor who will teach him how to fight with a sword, write secret notes in invisible ink to very important people, and strategize like a general while thinking creatively like a genius.

I can almost hear your awe for me growing in the space between us. I have that effect on people sometimes so I won't let it distract me.

You see what happens when I get gussied up for a passport photo? I get all self portrait obsessed and start morphing into the next Heather Bailey.







*He exited class the other day being lectured to by a little girl who was saying to him "Don't believe the creations, believe the creator." When I asked him what she meant he said they were talking about god and that he had said that there's proof of evolution and that this little girl is always saying this same thing to him. You know what that means? He's engaging in a lot of arguments about god at school. When pressed, he admitted that he kind of likes arguing about it.