The First Jab-Cross-Hooks

The first class.  I am a person of many anxieties.  Firsts are often the worst.  Firsts with sweat are ten times worse than firsts without sweat.  Firsts in which the body must perform, even before I became really large, has always been a special agony.  Even when I was small, limber, and could do the full splits.  Firsts where I must make my body perform in any way while mingling with other bodies and sweating?  Torture.

I have some pretty serious body issues.  Not the kind you're thinking.  I mean, now that I'm really large I have body image problems, but that's not at all what I mean.  I need a larger space bubble between myself and people I don't know well, more than most people.  Any time I get tired or cranky that space also applies to anyone I like, know well, and love.

I have a terror of any activity that requires me to physically engage with people not approved to be in my close proximity.  This is one of the reasons I stressed out every time I went to the YMCA swimming pool for lap swimming.  The lanes were all close and often I would have to share lanes with other people and the proximity and the awkwardness of trying to swim around others freaked me.

Twister is a game I fiercely believe the devil designed just to torture me and I'm just pleased as punch that I am long past the age when any respectable adult will suggest playing it.

So tonight I stood in a room with 4 people I have never met before, (plus Philip),. and did a bunch of things that made me sweat like crazy.  I'm not comfortable sweating, especially in front of people.  Just as it happens in my nightmares the teacher made us each pair up with a partner and practice moves with them.  There were six of us sweating insanely in the same room, doing jab-cross-hooks into leather paddles...thwack!  Thwack-Thwack!!

I got used to it fast.  The truth is, I love combat maneuvers- warrior stances.  I love purposeful punches.  I love jabs and thrusts.  It felt just the same as when I was doing it with a foil in fencing except it was my own body becoming the weapon tonight.  That's a powerful sensation.  I have missed fencing because sparring with a sword gave me the very first taste of legitimately feeling and harnessing my own strength in a physical way- knowing that I was practicing an ancient art of killing people made it feel connective.  Every movement is meant to evade or attack.  Every movement you learn has purpose and becomes a very particular part of a dance.

My least favorite part of fencing was the actual bouts where everyone watches and takes turns- kind of competing.   I hate competing.  I loved the practice matches.  I loved practicing the thrusts in a long line of students advancing on invisible enemies.  We were like one long white line of poetry with points.

Tonight the last maneuver we had to learn was how to be water.  It's a self defense move where your partner (or opponent) pushes on your shoulder but instead of taking the blow you move your shoulder back to evade the hand and in this wild fluid movement you end up taking their arm and twisting yourself around you end up in a position to knock them to the floor or break their arm.  I saw the instructor do it and my first thought was- I am going to have to do this with a person I have never met before who has been sweating just as hard as I have and I will have to twist myself around their damp skin in this terribly close way and I wanted to walk out of there.  In addition to that, it just looked impossible.  This was my very first night of Kung Fu and this seemed like a crazy ass twisty pretzel thing to do with complete strangers!

I did tell the teacher that I didn't think I was ready to do the move.  He assured me that I could do it and I realized that I could either walk out of there lamely, or I could just swallow my acute discomfort and not feel my anxieties exposed yet again. 

I don't think I will ever be comfortable grappling with sweaty people but at the same time I was able to disconnect from those thoughts for long enough to do this move and you want to know something?  It was powerful to feel myself throw a 6 foot tall stranger off his balance.  I had to forget I have breasts and skin and anything personal- because it wasn't a moment for feeling personal- it was a moment to simply be a body learning to move in new ways.  When I let go of those worries and got into the spirit of learning, of learning how I could break a large man's arm with not a whole lot of effort?  People: that is a staggering empowerment!

This was so much better than working out at the gym.  I mean, about a hundred times better than running on that elliptical machine or lifting weights.  I got a work out, my heart rate got going, I was doing a ton of kicks all in a row, and punching and jabbing and flexing muscles... yet it wasn't so that I would burn calories, every movement is something that will become something more as I continue.  I love purpose.  Purpose is design and design is nature at its best. 

I have not felt this good about the potential of my own body in a very long time.  It's so funny because I do think this is possibly one of the best things that we can all do as a family.  We couldn't stop talking about it afterwards.  Max is so excited about it and he loves that we're doing it with him.  We'll have to make some adjustments to be able to afford it but this is an expense that I feel will be worth bumping some other things off the radar for. 

We had Max's therapy today as well and it was good.  We are doing what we can to take care of ourselves on a limited budget and with all our various problems.  I think the therapy for Max benefits me as well because his psychologist makes a point of giving me encouragement for the job I'm doing and acknowledgment for how tough it is to parent a kid like Max.  He was pleased about the martial arts and that we're going to do it as a family.  Soon we'll be getting Max on meds and I will be back on antidepressants which will make it much easier for me to ease down from my beer ledge and (use that money for Kung Fu lessons) and to have enough energy and self discipline to make choices that I can feel good about.  My appointment is next week.

Just as a little aside- Max and I rode a total of nine miles on our bicycles going to our therapy and our Kung Fu lessons.

There's more- I can't even type fast enough and the more will mostly have to wait.  I will simply say that there is a deeper more personal victory in this night's work.  It will take time to run that one to the surface articulately.  It will not be fast.  As anyone like me knows, days like this are often followed by lower ones, perhaps tomorrow will hold unexpected challenges.  That's why it's so important to grab hold of the good moments and milk them for all they're worth.  I hope you all have at least one day this week like I've just had.  I wish you might have them all be as good!  But I'll take just the one if it's all I get this week because damn this day has been amazing!