The Kid Whisperer
Lately we've become addicted to watching "The Dog Whisperer" which is a brilliant show featuring Cesar Millan who teaches people how to be pack leaders to their dogs. The theatrical treatments on the show are entertaining (such as the intro which makes Cesar seem like a super hero emerging victorious from the dust), but the premise of Cesar's work with dogs is extremely simple and consistent: a dog owner must become a "calm and assertive" pack leader, and what every dog needs is exercise, discipline, and affection. In that order. Ah yes, and one must never give affection to their dog when the dog is not in a calm submissive state of mind. That's it. He rehabilitates the most difficult dog neurosis and aggression problems with what seems like magic. He tells a dog what he wants them to do and presto! The dog does it.
I'm not the only one who wonders if the exact same principles can be applied to children. Quite a few of the people who have appeared on episodes of "The Dog Whisperer" have mentioned how they plan to apply Cesar's techniques to their children. In dreamy moments I imagine calmly and assertively forcing Max into a calm submissive state by simulating a bite on his neck with my hand...and then I imagine him giving me a swift punch in the boob and launching into a doozy of a tantrum. Why don't aggressive children become immediately submissive when you roll them over on their backs? I think Cesar himself puts it beautifully when he says this about dogs:
"It's not that your dog is LESS than human, it's that he's NOT human"
You'd think that would be obvious wisdom, but there are thousands of people out there who view their dog as an extension of their family, a kind of adopted child. So this explains why I can't just make Max submit with a choke chain, even when I'm using it correctly. So for those of us who have "challenging" children, who can we turn to? There are so many child psychologists out there, so many different philosophies, so many wrong turns to take, so many avenues we can turn down that may or may not turn out to be useful. I'm not going to trust anyone who has eight children (such as Dr. Sears) to tell me how to raise one VERY determined child. I'm not going to trust anyone who suggests I wait around patiently for Max to want to cooperate. It will never happen.
I've taken a positive discipline class and it wasn't for people with children like Max, it was for people with average children. Children with a little stubbornness perhaps, children who will readily be motivated by tiny gestures and treats. I tried the methods and always it came down to: so when you've walked away from your child's temper tantrum calmly and he's clinging to your ankle like an angry
Since there is no Kid Whisperer, we are going to have to wing it until one shows up. We are going to come up with a plan today. The first thing we are going to tackle is: feeding the beast . Feeding Max has become intolerable. He will now only eat two kinds of crackers and ice cream. It seems to be natural (and common) for lots of kids to go through a few years of picky eating in their lives. I have certainly come to terms with a limited food palate in my child. However, there comes a time when it turns from picky palate, to a Napoleon-sized power trip. We have truly entered the war zone, and it's gotten ugly. Today we will outline a plan and tell Max what it is, and post it on the wall for quick reference any time we feel we're slipping. We will list the acceptable food items he can choose from for each meal of the day. If he won't eat any of them, we will have an alternative list of acceptable foods he can try instead. If he won't eat any of those, he just won't eat. Crackers will no longer be acceptable as meal foods. Snack only. Bars and desserts will only be allowed after he has eaten an item from the acceptable list.
It's easy to make a list. It's easy to write up a plan. Max is going to fight hard. I'm going to have to work really hard to conjure up my calm assertive parenthood. Because what I'm going to want to do when he starts throwing his ugly fit is to scream at him. The panic will rise in my throat, and I'll want to give up because parenting Max is the hardest thing I've ever been called upon to do. I might need more medication to survive this gig. Maybe it will help me to remember that I am as strong and as stubborn as they come. Not always qualities in my favor, but in this case these qualities may act as a brick wall against which Max may batter himself into a more peaceful state of mind.
In the meantime, if anyone finds a true Kid Whisperer out there, let me know.