There Is No Excuse For You
excuse n. 1.an explanation offered as a reason for being excused; a plea offered in extenuation of a fault or for release from an obligation, promise, etc.
reason n. 1. a basis or cause, as for some belief, action, fact, event, etc.
Today Max and I were looking at his report card and talking about how the whole section concerning his social behavior and ability to follow directions are very reflective of his disability. He did very well in everything but those aspects of class that require impulse control, ability to focus, and to understand social cues. All those things that people with ADD have a tremendous amount of trouble achieving.
He tells me that his teacher says that having ADD is "just an excuse".*
Immediately I am imagining a kid with only one leg explaining to the PE teacher why he cannot run like the other kids can who have two legs. The teacher looks at the kid and says:
"Having only one leg is just an excuse not to run."
A missing leg is so obvious. A kid with missing limbs does not have to spend his life explaining why some things will be more difficult, sometimes impossible, than it is for people who are missing no limbs.
A kid who has a disability arising from his brain not cooperating with his nervous system appears to be normal. Mental issues (with some exceptions) are completely invisible disabilities.
Apparently Max has been explaining to his teacher why he can't finish activities in a timely fashion. She tells him that his explanation is "just an excuse". Which is one way of saying that Max's proffered reason is unacceptable. My son is just beginning to learn that he has a disability which is the source of many of his "shortcomings" and difficulties in school. At home and at the psychologist's office he is being told that his brain is the reason he can't do certain things that are expected of him. He is being told by us that there is a reason for his challenges and that it isn't his fault that he isn't like everyone else. We are telling him that he is just as valuable, maybe even more so, as other kids.
Our whole mission is to openly discuss ADD, depression, anxiety, and mental wiring because we want Max to understand that while it is going to cause him all kinds of challenges growing up it has also endowed him with gifts that the average person doesn't have. Since his dad and I both also suffer from mental issues we can address this as a family and build self esteem for all of us as a unit while trying to find ways of functioning in a world not made for us in a better way.
To say that his disability is "just an excuse" is to imply that it is some kind of slippery unethical way of getting out of responsibilities. It is implying that being self aware enough to say "this is why I can't write fast enough" makes it unreal somehow.
I am proud of Max for recognizing one of those school challenges he experiences as the result of having ADD because it means that he is already accepting that it isn't a personal fault of his. It means that he is thinking about it. I think his teacher hears the explanation and hears a kid who is saying "I have this thing that gives me a free pass to not have to do what you say" when what he's doing is taking hold of this thing he's going to have to live with for the rest of his life and saying "Here it is." and "This thing you want me to do is not something I have control over doing because my brain doesn't work like everyone else's."
He's saying "This isn't my fault.". And it isn't. It's hard to have an invisible disability. It's so much easier in some respects to wear it on the outside. No- I am not saying it's easy to live with any disability. No- I am not suggesting that life with missing limbs or burn scars is like living in a giant cupcake all the time.
His teacher knows he's been diagnosed with ADD. So she knows my kid is not making this shit up. But she may as well have said to him "Stop making up excuses!" She may as well have said "So what?" Or "I do not believe in reasons or excuses."
We are not all created equal. Just ask any person with a disability. We are not all the same. I can see what a very tough road we are just beginning to travel down. I will consider myself to have done my job well if my son develops a self awareness that allows him to understand the reasons why he has to work harder than most kids and rather than kicking himself endlessly in the ass for what he's not, or for what he can't do, he finds his own way of running the race with one leg.
To extend reasons for things is to seek understanding of and for them. When reasons are rejected, so is understanding.
*His teacher has actually been very supportive of him and I don't know that she really said this or if she behaved in such a way that made him feel that this is what she thinks. I am merely using what he said and how it made him feel to illustrate what many people with invisible disabilities face and attitudes that, even if his teacher doesn't actually share, do exist quite strongly in the world.
reason n. 1. a basis or cause, as for some belief, action, fact, event, etc.
Today Max and I were looking at his report card and talking about how the whole section concerning his social behavior and ability to follow directions are very reflective of his disability. He did very well in everything but those aspects of class that require impulse control, ability to focus, and to understand social cues. All those things that people with ADD have a tremendous amount of trouble achieving.
He tells me that his teacher says that having ADD is "just an excuse".*
Immediately I am imagining a kid with only one leg explaining to the PE teacher why he cannot run like the other kids can who have two legs. The teacher looks at the kid and says:
"Having only one leg is just an excuse not to run."
A missing leg is so obvious. A kid with missing limbs does not have to spend his life explaining why some things will be more difficult, sometimes impossible, than it is for people who are missing no limbs.
A kid who has a disability arising from his brain not cooperating with his nervous system appears to be normal. Mental issues (with some exceptions) are completely invisible disabilities.
Apparently Max has been explaining to his teacher why he can't finish activities in a timely fashion. She tells him that his explanation is "just an excuse". Which is one way of saying that Max's proffered reason is unacceptable. My son is just beginning to learn that he has a disability which is the source of many of his "shortcomings" and difficulties in school. At home and at the psychologist's office he is being told that his brain is the reason he can't do certain things that are expected of him. He is being told by us that there is a reason for his challenges and that it isn't his fault that he isn't like everyone else. We are telling him that he is just as valuable, maybe even more so, as other kids.
Our whole mission is to openly discuss ADD, depression, anxiety, and mental wiring because we want Max to understand that while it is going to cause him all kinds of challenges growing up it has also endowed him with gifts that the average person doesn't have. Since his dad and I both also suffer from mental issues we can address this as a family and build self esteem for all of us as a unit while trying to find ways of functioning in a world not made for us in a better way.
To say that his disability is "just an excuse" is to imply that it is some kind of slippery unethical way of getting out of responsibilities. It is implying that being self aware enough to say "this is why I can't write fast enough" makes it unreal somehow.
I am proud of Max for recognizing one of those school challenges he experiences as the result of having ADD because it means that he is already accepting that it isn't a personal fault of his. It means that he is thinking about it. I think his teacher hears the explanation and hears a kid who is saying "I have this thing that gives me a free pass to not have to do what you say" when what he's doing is taking hold of this thing he's going to have to live with for the rest of his life and saying "Here it is." and "This thing you want me to do is not something I have control over doing because my brain doesn't work like everyone else's."
He's saying "This isn't my fault.". And it isn't. It's hard to have an invisible disability. It's so much easier in some respects to wear it on the outside. No- I am not saying it's easy to live with any disability. No- I am not suggesting that life with missing limbs or burn scars is like living in a giant cupcake all the time.
His teacher knows he's been diagnosed with ADD. So she knows my kid is not making this shit up. But she may as well have said to him "Stop making up excuses!" She may as well have said "So what?" Or "I do not believe in reasons or excuses."
We are not all created equal. Just ask any person with a disability. We are not all the same. I can see what a very tough road we are just beginning to travel down. I will consider myself to have done my job well if my son develops a self awareness that allows him to understand the reasons why he has to work harder than most kids and rather than kicking himself endlessly in the ass for what he's not, or for what he can't do, he finds his own way of running the race with one leg.
To extend reasons for things is to seek understanding of and for them. When reasons are rejected, so is understanding.
*His teacher has actually been very supportive of him and I don't know that she really said this or if she behaved in such a way that made him feel that this is what she thinks. I am merely using what he said and how it made him feel to illustrate what many people with invisible disabilities face and attitudes that, even if his teacher doesn't actually share, do exist quite strongly in the world.
Comments (12)
Because it's not frustrating enough to live with a child with ADD/ADHD. Oh my gosh, I would be livid if a teacher said that to my kid. You're right on the money with your analogy, too. Does he have an IEP? We have not had one since our son started high school and I need to do another. It's such a PITA but so much more effective for me to go back to the teachers and remind them they're not following the IEP.
Even if she didn't verbalize it that way, it's clear that's the attitude Max is perceiving from her. And I'm sorry for that.
Posted by Mary | April 23, 2009 8:31 PM
Posted on April 23, 2009 20:31
It's funny you should mention the IEP because another online friend of mine who has a kid with ADD mentioned the importance of getting one and I was actually just talking to Max about this in the same conversation explaining that if he is willing to get tested by the school we can get him extra support and it will help teachers be more understanding of his needs.
This conversation took great effort, you understand, with him jumping all over the chair, uh, being constantly distracted, and what might have taken 10 minutes to explain to a more conventional child actually took about a half an hour. But you are right, this is something we really need to do. I'm beginning to feel motivated.
I have been impressed with his teacher up til this point. I agree with you that whether or not she actually said the words, he feels as though she did. I felt all the rising ire of a lion with a tiny thorn in its paw.
Posted by Angelina | April 23, 2009 8:51 PM
Posted on April 23, 2009 20:51
I'll request a conference with her if it seems like the right thing to do. Max doesn't get a free pass not to try, but it's important to know that he IS trying!
I'm looking at his report card, and the teacher could have diagnosed him herself: "difficulty focusing," "so bright!" "easily distracted," "keeps him from working up to his full potential." He needs to work on it every day, sure, but he's been working on it every day for four years!
This is the same report card I got for 12 years.
ADD doesn't mean you're a bad kid, it means you have trouble paying attention to boring shit. AND you have trouble maintaining focus on interesting things, which is hard. You can always come back to the first thing if it's really interesting, though...
Posted by Philip | April 23, 2009 9:41 PM
Posted on April 23, 2009 21:41
Funny, that sounds almost exactly like the report cards I got through the bulk of my elementary school. I remember having a talk with the teacher and my parents when I was in second grade, and how I told them I couldn't keep from daydreaming during class, and the major ration of shit I got about that, because then ADD wasn't even in the vocabulary. And for a time, I got treated like I was one of the bad kids, even though I wasn't pestering other kids, and I wasn't throwing stuff, I was just spacing out.
(Sudden thought: I wonder how many kids at that age get comments on their report card that say "is achieving up to his full potential." How the hell do they know what a kid's potential is?)
Posted by Jim | April 23, 2009 10:38 PM
Posted on April 23, 2009 22:38
Perhaps the teacher was trying to tell Max that he can't use a disability as an excuse NOT to do the work. I think Philip is right - request a conference with her. If she had been supportive before, maybe there was miscommunication b/n her and Max.
Posted by Karmyn R | April 23, 2009 10:57 PM
Posted on April 23, 2009 22:57
Given that you felt a "rising ire", I have to admire the calm and restraint and effort to see past the words and understand that the interchange between Max and his teacher is delicate and complex. Given all that you've gone through so far to get and understand the diagnosis, I know it must be difficult to realize you've only taken step one in a long and rocky road.
The teacher might be having trouble because she has no experience dealing with ADD and no time to research it. She might become impatient because in trying to manage a roomful of kids, giving one "a pass" (no matter how valid the reason) means that the others push for the same "privileges". (After all, kids that age don't know what it means either, and have their own simply interpretations of fair and unfair.)
The teacher, if she has been supportive before, might need a little support herself--in concrete strategies and methods for dealing with ADD. It's one thing to understand the problem exists conceptually and something completely different to know what to DO in all the various daily situations that crop up.
You get worn out struggling with Max. She has to struggle with him, while managing a classroom full of other kids (and their parents), and in the midst of that try to get them to learn something.
I think she just needs some help...not advice or admonishment but specific methods. She needs to know what to DO. (I wouldn't know.)
Posted by mss @ Words Into Bytes | April 24, 2009 5:27 AM
Posted on April 24, 2009 05:27
Hey,
Have you met with the school and set up a 504 plan for Max?? His teacher obviously is an idiot. 504 is a federal law that was created for kids and adults that have been diagnosed with a disorder that impairs a life function. ADD causes many challenges with learning and functioning in the classroom. A 504 plan sets up accommodations for Max so that he can be successful such as: preferential seating, extra time to complete an assignment, shortened assignments, extra behavioral reminders without punishment etc. I have one for Connor, we review it every year and make updates and changes. He can use this plan all the way through college to help him be successful. This also makes the teacher more accountable for understanding Max's challenges. The first thing I would do is hand deliver the book "Driven to Distraction" to his teacher and suggest she educate herself/himself. Then I would call the principal today and ask for a 504 meeting so that a plan could be put in place. They have 30 days to set up a meeting. Do it now so you can have things in place for next year!! Basically you have to be an advocate for that child no one else will. So don't worry about being a bitch you got the law on your side. If you go to the the CHADD web site you can get information about a 504 and Max's legal rights. This is a federal thing not a state thing!! You can call me anytime and I will help you with whatever I can!! I will get a list of books to you soon! The one off the top of my head is "ADHD and Me What I learned from lighting Fires at the dinner table" by Blake E. S. Taylor. He is a student at Berkeley and writes about being ADHD as a kid. It is a quick easy read you might want to do it as a read aloud with the family it will make you laugh and cry!!
Nicole
Posted by Nicole Jeffries | April 24, 2009 7:24 AM
Posted on April 24, 2009 07:24
MSS- oh I think you're very right. His teacher has really been, in my opinion, very supportive. I am going to need to find out what to DO first in order to suggest things to her. We're going back to the psychologist next week and he may have suggestions. Also, getting him an IEP would help any of his teachers know what to do because it's an educational plan designed to help an individual child with their specific challenges and directs teachers on what those needs are.
The ire comes from wanting to protect my child, to build his self esteem which school has really crushed, and help him understand that his disability is not his fault. Whether on purpose or not, to tell someone that the cause of their faulty performance is not an acceptable reason is like saying it's their fault.
My reading about ADD so far is telling me that the most constant challenge the person with ADD faces is that other people will perceive them as "not trying hard enough" or at all. They will hear "if only you would try harder!" which is frustrating because without a great deal of CBT and generally meds as well, the person with ADD IS ALREADY TRYING HARD. Their brain will not perform in the way convention requires it to.
Posted by Angelina | April 24, 2009 7:36 AM
Posted on April 24, 2009 07:36
well...here's what I think, from having gone through this...."not living up to his/her potential" is utter bullshit!! Its also a crutch that many educators use. Because truly, their potential is what they're doing each and every day as young people trying to grow, learn and navigate through a world that is not friendly to them. ADD kids don't sit around thinking how they can misbehave or not complete their tasks. Ask any of them and if they can formulate the words, they'll tell you they want nothing more than to not have to work so goddamn hard at what is so easy to other kids. And something vaguely related that you may want to know...because I wish I had known this back in A's early days. Get that IEP and get his ADD diagnosis written ALL OVER IT and don't ever let it disappear!!! Because....then there will be absolutely no chance of him even thinking about joining the armed forces. My friend with a very high functioning autistic son said that is why she isn't removing it from his IEP despite his capabilities. Brilliant I tell you!!
Posted by Kathy | April 24, 2009 12:39 PM
Posted on April 24, 2009 12:39
Will Max have a different teacher for the next school year? Might be worth speaking to them before the end of the summer term so that they are in the picture ready for the start of the new school year.
Posted by French Knots | April 25, 2009 12:59 AM
Posted on April 25, 2009 00:59
YES - IEP.
Totally.
Does the school really have to test him??? Our district utilized the psych report. Then again, once he was diagnosed, he had already been in the system for "unknown" reasons, so I may be way off base.
Honestly, every child should have an IEP, because (shocking news here, I'm sure) EVERY CHILD LEARNS DIFFERENTLY. However, the logistics of our poor overworked teachers implementing separate IEP's for each of 20-30 students in a classroom are mind-boggling, so those of use whose kids have special needs get the luxury of the IEP!
Yes, luxury. IEP's are wonderful things. When written well and implemented correctly, they are the difference between a "difficult" child and a child whose skills are utilized and whose needs are addressed on a daily basis. They can be the literal difference between our children excelling in their coursework and walking with pride to Pomp & Circumstance and dropping out when high school teachers write them off as lost causes.
And here's the thing: AD(H)D is a recognized disability. This means a school CANNOT penalize your Max's or my Nicky's grades for an inability to do his work in a timely manner, forgetting homework assignments (as disorganization is a recognized symptom of this disability), etc., as long as efforts are being made.
Take advantage of the tools the system has put in place. :) Another book recommendation (I'm full of 'em, aren't I??): Teaching the Tiger. Wonderful resource. I take it with me to every IEP meeting.
Posted by Aimee | April 26, 2009 8:26 PM
Posted on April 26, 2009 20:26
I cannot tell you all how great it is to have such an open discussion on this issue and the experience we are going through. The support of other parents who have blazed a trail before we ever got to this road is incredibly helpful and it makes me feel both hopeful and more sure of the steps we need to be taking. I hope that someday these conversations are the kind of thing everyone has access to and that no one goes through these challenges alone!
Nicole- I totally missed your comment when I wrote my last one! We must have been posting them at the same time. I just sent you a message in FB. I am going to the library today to check out that book. I'm also calling the principal today to set things in motion before the end of the year.
Aimee- I didn't know one of your boys had these challenges too...I really appreciate your advice! I especially love the perspective that our kids are lucky to be allowed an individual educational plan, something all kids should be able to have but can't.
Posted by Angelina | April 27, 2009 9:20 AM
Posted on April 27, 2009 09:20