Important Lessons Learned From Gossip Rags
A lot of people think gossip rags are total trash and contribute to the dereliction of our culture. This simply isn't true. I learn lots of important lessons from them:
- Before dating a man, always make sure he hasn't dated Paris Hilton first. (Because she's dated a significant portion of the population, chances are pretty good he has.)
- Never talk about how your marriage is rock-solid. It is almost guaranteed that if you do, your marriage will fall apart in four months.
- If you haven't got an empire which includes your own perfume line, clothing line, and a huge licensing franchise, then you just aren't cool.
- Never say in an interview that what makes everyone beautiful is their individuality (and that women should learn to love themselves as they are), and then one month later get the number one most popular nose job in the country. This can make you appear to be a lying sack of shit.
- Dating your best friend's husband will put a strain on your friendship. (But go ahead and marry him, just because he cheated on her with you doesn't mean he'll cheat on you with someone else.)
- When in doubt, have a baby.
- Before dating a man, always make sure he hasn't dated Lindsey Lohan first. (Because she's dated most of the same people that
- If you don't want to be photographed by the press, don't go to celebrity-infested nightclubs every night of the week. Also don't hang out in a posse.
- If your marriage is on the rocks- immediately get pregnant because there's nothing a man loves more than a woman with a breast pump, intense mood swings, and a crying baby. All the stress will melt away and he'll transform himself from the gambling skirt-chasing jerk he used to be into the ideal doting husband.
- The best way to get taken seriously as an actor is to develop a really predictable singing career.
See what I mean? Those rags are full of rich pointers on how to live life well and avoid the common pitfalls of success, family, and marriage.