Life Of Sugar
Some helpful hints for living a good life:- Don't put lotion on your hands directly before you try to pick up a beer bottle that is sitting right next to your keyboard unless you want to have a sticky "z" for the rest of eternity.
- Buy your strawberries at a U-pick farm if you don't have your own because they will be infinitely better than what you can find at the store. I just picked 30 pounds of them for about $1.00 per pound. And don't take advantage of the farmers who give us the ability to buy perfect local fruit at affordable prices or I will hunt you down and Krazy-glue all your fingers together.
- If you have to get up at 5am, it is wise not to stay up until 12am the previous night. It doesn't look good to nod off in the middle of your new job orientation. Especially if you're wearing an ill fitting button up white shirt that bags around your ears and makes a pale sausage link of your hips.*
- Always leave your switch-blade, your revolver, and your cocaine at home when you clock in to work. No one's going to believe that you "never inhale" and only use your switch-blade to make wooden bunnies for orphans.
- Don't leave quarantined kittens in a room with valuables. Cat pee, even with generous applications of enzymatic odor "erasers", is as pervasive a scent as... oh hell, nothing is as pervasive as the smell of cat urine. The Kittens have just about cost us $2000 in medicines, vaccines, vet baths, check ups, and a really expensive mattress for them to ruin. We haven't even got our economic
ruinstimulus check yet from the government and we already need another one.
- Don't tease the poor jewelry salesman at JC Penny by showing interest in diamond rings that you will never be able to buy because by the time you pay off the debt you incurred from not having a job bread will cost $14.00 a loaf. It's just mean to let him think you might be secretly rich.
- Don't pull on other people's corkscrew ringlets. As irresistible as you may find the urge when a carefully coiffed full head of them is floating in line in front of you at the grocery store you must resist the itch. In my experience, the people with coiffed ringlets are almost always really tough old Betties who can snap you like a twig.
- If you have to move from the state you're in you should look for a town/state that allows the two essentials for living the good life that no one should be denied: it must allow you to keep chickens in your back yard and you must be able to buy 100 proof alcohol to shore up your nerves when the real depression hits. Vodka and chickens. Life is good.
*Which, it has to be admitted, is way better than tucking the extra long offending garment into your trousers. On short waisted people this look is reminiscent of old-men with their trousers pulled up under their arm pits. Don't try to attract a spouse with this look. Soon you will all be able to witness this spectacle in the McMinnville Safeway.