Lush: More Pictures of Portland
This is the street my mom's apartment is on. The canopy of leaves above is gorgeous, thick, and quieting. 
My favorite window on 23rd Street this weekend. That jacket that looks like it's made of newspaper is amazing! I also find the striped hat irresistible. 
I ate some macaroni and cheese at Henry's Tavern on my way to Powell's Books. It's very dark inside even in the middle of a bright day. I don't really like that. But the food is decent. Plus they have about a hundred beers on tap. I'm totally serious.
This is my mom's sweet diminutive strip of garden that comes with her apartment. I love this giant metal flower. She has clematis growing on the fence and a couple of roses, some azaleas and ferns too. 
This is where I go to pray: Powell's Books. I found a new preserving book (unfortunately it has a lot of meat in it, but a few vegetarian recipes seduced me into buying it). I also bought two paperback Mary Stewart books I don't have copies of and haven't read in years. Too bad they didn't have hardbacks! I bought a copy of Elizabeth George's book about writing fiction called "Write Away!" which I've wanted for years because I love her mystery series and I saw her speak at Copperfield's Books in Santa Rosa when she was promoting this book. I couldn't afford to buy a copy at the time it came out so I'm really pleased to have found one on this trip. And lastly, I bought a copy of Jean Ann Van Krevlen's book "Grocery Gardening". She's local to Portland and I know her slightly through blog interactions. This is an awesome book! All these books, which amount to lots of splurging, were brought to me courtesy of Robin and Tonia who gave me some mad money. I was going to use it for the orthopedic inserts I need for my shoes, but damn, when I got to Powell's I couldn't help myself because I rarely get to buy books anymore. It is an incredible pleasure so I want to thank you two for giving me a little bit of luxury! Reading books, smelling them, touching them, referencing them, and collecting them are possibly the closest I get to having a religious experience.
Being in Powell's makes me feel that all things are possible. The fact that there are millions of books that people have written from almost every possible perspective is beautiful and life affirming. If I can give my son a hunger to read - to read as much as I have read in my life I will consider myself to have imparted one of the very best things in life to him.
I have estimated, accounting for quite a few variables, that I have read around 3,000 books in my life. I'm 40 years old and I've been reading since I was 4 or 5 and have read, on average, 2 books a week for most of my life. Until the last few years when that number has dropped unbelievably down to an average of 5 books a year. That number is experiencing an increase at last. It's been a strange arid time of my life, the last few years, where nothing has been right or normal.
I hate the word "jazz".
I love the word "hazmat", as in "hazmat suit".
I've been meaning to mention that I think it's horrible that some people have been depicting Obama as Hitler. Has anyone else felt outraged at such an inappropriate comparison? Just because you don't like President Obama or the policies he is promoting doesn't mean he's anything like Hitler. You have to kill and torture, I would say, at least a few thousand people before having your name breathed in the same breath as Hitler's. President Bush, now there's a guy who's responsible for the killing of a few hundred thousand Iraqi people, and guess what? I have never, in all my intense dislike for that man, I have never compared him to Hitler. Because even though I think Bush is the apex of evil, not even he can righteously be compared to the monstrosity that Hitler was.
I'm sorry to say that judging by the signs held up by many of the tea-bag-people, there are a lot of uneducated people amongst them. That really scares me.
Hitler killed 6,000,000 people.
Obama, as far as anyone knows*, has not killed nor commanded anyone else to kill a single person.
So that's been really bugging me.
You know what's been soothing my nerves after being out and about in my town and having to hear hateful things said about liberal politics, public schooling, and Obama?
I now watch episodes of "The Daily Show" on my computer. It's so funny! It has become like a steam release valve for me. My friend Angela has told me many times when I've complained about having had to listen to some religious or Republican or extreme Libertarian schlock which either made me feel bad or feel pissed that I need to be watching Jon Stewart regularly. She promised it would make me feel much better. Thank you Angela! I feel so much better!
I know no one will believe me when I say that I am learning not to discuss certain topics with local people in my town, aside from those people I know share similar views. Just the other day I got to hear some scathing remarks about the evils of public school and a little side comment about how maybe one or two people haven't been ruined by public school and how everyone else's money has been wasted just for those one or two people's benefit.
Yes I did have to listen to just such a speech and no way am I going to say where.
It did sting. It was unfair. It is a very narrow view.
I said nothing. I spoke not a word. Because I have learned that it's not worth it. Did I want to lash back? Yes. The rhetoric against public school was so harsh I found it offensive. And what hurts the most is that I have never played so meanly about people choosing other methods of educating their children. I've gotten in trouble for not being a staunch admirer of homeschooling, and because I've pointed out that it is no less flawed than public school from my perspective, but I have never been insulting about it. I have never accused parents who home-school their children of making a stupid decision or doing wrong by their children.
Having criticisms about things is fine. Flaying people for making the choices they do; assuming that you know what choice is right for everyone, is arrogant. I have always said that I'm not in a position to tell any other parent what's best for their own children and I also don't believe that any other parent can know what's best for mine.
I don't think that's an unfair view.
No one is ever going to get out of me my truest deepest feelings about the education issue because people just get hateful when I even dip my toe cautiously into that black lake of discord.
Anyway, I also want to point out that this hurtful tirade against public school was not brought on by anything I said or did. It would have come on whether I'd been present or not.
My reputation for starting conversations that go wrong is becoming a bit heavy. I do bring them up here on my blog, of course, cause my blog is like an extension of my living room in which I invite you to come listen to me and possibly tell me your ideas, but out in my local world- I have become a lot more cautious about everything I say out loud.
My mom doesn't actually believe me.
So this has been on my mind lately- how I present myself, what I share with people in my community, what conversations are safe. The sad thing is that there seem to be so few safe conversations anywhere. My friend I spoke of about the paleo diet discussion still hasn't responded to my last message which I thought had no possible offensive bits in it. Took me a long time to write and consider how everything I said might be taken. I weighed how to still be me, say what was true (for me), but not cause offense. So I can only imagine we're not on real speaking terms anymore. While I'm very happy to not be discussing the paleo diet any more, it seems ridiculous that talking about food could put such a wedge between two friends.
Then there was my rough patch with my other friend, which we have (thankfully!) resolved and forgiven each other for. But that adds credence to my mom's (and everyone else's belief) that I am the one at fault in all these situations.
If I'm having trouble fitting in in my town, it must be because I'm not trying hard enough. Or keeping certain things private enough. Or I'm revealing too much. Or being too straight. Or I put things on my blog I shouldn't have because then people will read it.
My mom and I were discussing this on our way to Portland.
Does being what and who you are (openly) mean you invite discord? Does it follow that you have no right to complain about it? Is there any way to say I'm liberal, I really like the current President, and I believe in social programs like public school, and I don't believe in God without upsetting others? In expressing these views without putting down other people's views, am I signing some invisible permission form for others to argue and fight with me?
How might I move about in the world without creating conflict for myself or intentionally hiding who I am? How can I change myself to live a more harmonious life? Is it possible? What is it that I do that raises people's hackles? Is it always my fault or are other people culpable too? Aren't we all responsible for our interactions with each other? Is it possible to be true to who I am and the things I believe in without hurting others or inviting them to hurt me?
These are the questions I am asking myself.
If you have asked yourself similar questions I am interested to hear what answers you came up with for yourself.
Lately it seems that there are no topics left on which I may safely converse without starting a dust-up. Food is an incredibly emotional topic for most people, myself included. Is talking about the weather even safe? Unfortunately I'm pretty sure I annoy people regularly with my weather small talk. Like when we got snowed in here and I kept talking about how much I loved the snow to everyone in town and the majority of them moaned and groaned and gave me dirty looks?
Seriously, the girl at Harvest Fresh looked like she wanted to kill me. Such was her hatred of snow.
I don't like the same weather the majority of people do (I actually like a lot of the weather here, unlike many others), so where can light conversation be had?
Or am I just supposed to lie?
"Hi Bob! Don't you just LOVE this wind storm we're having?" I say to Bob.
"Are you kidding me? I hate this cold weather!" says an incredulous Bob.
"I was totally kidding! I hate this weather too. In fact I hate this weather so much because ever since that Muslim Socialist Obama got into office it's been colder than a pair of brass balls in the deep freeze!"
Wait, no, not like that.
I love the word "hazmat", as in "hazmat suit".
I've been meaning to mention that I think it's horrible that some people have been depicting Obama as Hitler. Has anyone else felt outraged at such an inappropriate comparison? Just because you don't like President Obama or the policies he is promoting doesn't mean he's anything like Hitler. You have to kill and torture, I would say, at least a few thousand people before having your name breathed in the same breath as Hitler's. President Bush, now there's a guy who's responsible for the killing of a few hundred thousand Iraqi people, and guess what? I have never, in all my intense dislike for that man, I have never compared him to Hitler. Because even though I think Bush is the apex of evil, not even he can righteously be compared to the monstrosity that Hitler was.
I'm sorry to say that judging by the signs held up by many of the tea-bag-people, there are a lot of uneducated people amongst them. That really scares me.
Hitler killed 6,000,000 people.
Obama, as far as anyone knows*, has not killed nor commanded anyone else to kill a single person.
So that's been really bugging me.
You know what's been soothing my nerves after being out and about in my town and having to hear hateful things said about liberal politics, public schooling, and Obama?
I now watch episodes of "The Daily Show" on my computer. It's so funny! It has become like a steam release valve for me. My friend Angela has told me many times when I've complained about having had to listen to some religious or Republican or extreme Libertarian schlock which either made me feel bad or feel pissed that I need to be watching Jon Stewart regularly. She promised it would make me feel much better. Thank you Angela! I feel so much better!
I know no one will believe me when I say that I am learning not to discuss certain topics with local people in my town, aside from those people I know share similar views. Just the other day I got to hear some scathing remarks about the evils of public school and a little side comment about how maybe one or two people haven't been ruined by public school and how everyone else's money has been wasted just for those one or two people's benefit.
Yes I did have to listen to just such a speech and no way am I going to say where.
It did sting. It was unfair. It is a very narrow view.
I said nothing. I spoke not a word. Because I have learned that it's not worth it. Did I want to lash back? Yes. The rhetoric against public school was so harsh I found it offensive. And what hurts the most is that I have never played so meanly about people choosing other methods of educating their children. I've gotten in trouble for not being a staunch admirer of homeschooling, and because I've pointed out that it is no less flawed than public school from my perspective, but I have never been insulting about it. I have never accused parents who home-school their children of making a stupid decision or doing wrong by their children.
Having criticisms about things is fine. Flaying people for making the choices they do; assuming that you know what choice is right for everyone, is arrogant. I have always said that I'm not in a position to tell any other parent what's best for their own children and I also don't believe that any other parent can know what's best for mine.
I don't think that's an unfair view.
No one is ever going to get out of me my truest deepest feelings about the education issue because people just get hateful when I even dip my toe cautiously into that black lake of discord.
Anyway, I also want to point out that this hurtful tirade against public school was not brought on by anything I said or did. It would have come on whether I'd been present or not.
My reputation for starting conversations that go wrong is becoming a bit heavy. I do bring them up here on my blog, of course, cause my blog is like an extension of my living room in which I invite you to come listen to me and possibly tell me your ideas, but out in my local world- I have become a lot more cautious about everything I say out loud.
My mom doesn't actually believe me.
So this has been on my mind lately- how I present myself, what I share with people in my community, what conversations are safe. The sad thing is that there seem to be so few safe conversations anywhere. My friend I spoke of about the paleo diet discussion still hasn't responded to my last message which I thought had no possible offensive bits in it. Took me a long time to write and consider how everything I said might be taken. I weighed how to still be me, say what was true (for me), but not cause offense. So I can only imagine we're not on real speaking terms anymore. While I'm very happy to not be discussing the paleo diet any more, it seems ridiculous that talking about food could put such a wedge between two friends.
Then there was my rough patch with my other friend, which we have (thankfully!) resolved and forgiven each other for. But that adds credence to my mom's (and everyone else's belief) that I am the one at fault in all these situations.
If I'm having trouble fitting in in my town, it must be because I'm not trying hard enough. Or keeping certain things private enough. Or I'm revealing too much. Or being too straight. Or I put things on my blog I shouldn't have because then people will read it.
My mom and I were discussing this on our way to Portland.
Does being what and who you are (openly) mean you invite discord? Does it follow that you have no right to complain about it? Is there any way to say I'm liberal, I really like the current President, and I believe in social programs like public school, and I don't believe in God without upsetting others? In expressing these views without putting down other people's views, am I signing some invisible permission form for others to argue and fight with me?
How might I move about in the world without creating conflict for myself or intentionally hiding who I am? How can I change myself to live a more harmonious life? Is it possible? What is it that I do that raises people's hackles? Is it always my fault or are other people culpable too? Aren't we all responsible for our interactions with each other? Is it possible to be true to who I am and the things I believe in without hurting others or inviting them to hurt me?
These are the questions I am asking myself.
If you have asked yourself similar questions I am interested to hear what answers you came up with for yourself.
Lately it seems that there are no topics left on which I may safely converse without starting a dust-up. Food is an incredibly emotional topic for most people, myself included. Is talking about the weather even safe? Unfortunately I'm pretty sure I annoy people regularly with my weather small talk. Like when we got snowed in here and I kept talking about how much I loved the snow to everyone in town and the majority of them moaned and groaned and gave me dirty looks?
Seriously, the girl at Harvest Fresh looked like she wanted to kill me. Such was her hatred of snow.
I don't like the same weather the majority of people do (I actually like a lot of the weather here, unlike many others), so where can light conversation be had?
Or am I just supposed to lie?
"Hi Bob! Don't you just LOVE this wind storm we're having?" I say to Bob.
"Are you kidding me? I hate this cold weather!" says an incredulous Bob.
"I was totally kidding! I hate this weather too. In fact I hate this weather so much because ever since that Muslim Socialist Obama got into office it's been colder than a pair of brass balls in the deep freeze!"
Wait, no, not like that.
"Hi Bob. What do you think of the weather we're having?" I say with sincere friendliness.
"I hate this rain, don't you?" asks Bob, eagerly pursuing the age old art of talking about the weather which no one can ever disagree over.
"Oh yes, I hate this weather too Bob." I say, trying for a slightly sad/annoyed expression with which to hide my glee at the rain pouring down outside which requires me to pretend it's burning hot outside.
BORING.
But peaceful.
Does it always have to be one or the other?
Like so many people (family and friends) I have assumed that much of the fault of the discord in my life is mine. I am practicing reserve to see if my life becomes more harmonious if I make a switch from being the full-disclosure gal to being a non-disclosure gal.
If it's even possible.
It's an interesting line of exploration.
*I can only go by what we know. If it turns out to be otherwise, I think my point will still stand pretty firm.
Comments (11)
Many people are so quick to put everyone into an "us" or "them" mold these days...and, no, you cannot open your mouth without offending those people. It's beyond ridiculous how polarized our country (world?) has become. I mean, really, I may disagree heartily with some political and religious choices, but do I think my friends who make those choices are stupid or somehow lesser for it? Of course not, because I'm a rational, empathetic being.
Maybe that's part of the problem? Lack of rationality?
Good for you for checking out Jon Stewart. He Rocks. So does Stephen Colbert; you should check him out, too. Keep in mind that he approaches it from a different angle, but that he has the same message. :)
Posted by Aimee | May 4, 2010 4:17 PM
Posted on May 4, 2010 16:17
Try being a lesbian who is dating a lesbian who wants to be a transgendered male. Yup, we's a liddle differnent LOL
I feel your pain.
We went to Paris in early January - we LOVED the snow!
Be differnent!! It is not the same as wrong (check the dictionary) LOL
Live your life as you - you only get one shot and at least at the end you can claim you were authentic!
Love your posts
Ms Lushess
Sydney, Australia
Posted by Lush | May 4, 2010 8:17 PM
Posted on May 4, 2010 20:17
I'm totally outraged at the unfair and false statements made about President Obama! Such ignorance and fear fueling the tone. People so threatened by anyone or any thought different than their own that they try to control those who don't share their views.
I love dark little corners to hide away in, even at lunch time and particularly a pub! I know where I'm going next time I'm in NW Ptld.
This is an important discussion regarding keeping quiet or saying what you truly feel about a said subject. I think saying something to please others and not cause conflict shares the same "extreme" notion as does shouting our opinions at someone who doesn't share them. Neither approach is appropriate in my opinion. Their opinion is no more important than yours and if telling them your thoughts somehow threatens them than there is nothing you can do about that. I'm a believer in being true to one's self and staying quiet or agreeing simply to avoid conflict doesn't hold that truth. I've thought about this subject for awhile now, after realizing I'm not doing what's best for my spirit when I remain silent. Of course, there are times when our words are not needed and silence is appropriate. This is where balance is used. However, someone who is ignorant or irrational usually isn't in a place to hear the truth or our idea of the truth and that's when I find a way to walk away. Above all, find the balance as life is rarely ever an all or nothing event.
Posted by Kathy | May 4, 2010 10:28 PM
Posted on May 4, 2010 22:28
I don't think you should lie about how you feel just to make other people happy/not angry. It doesn't seem like they're tip-toeing around your feelings when they air their views out for everyone to hear. Don't apologize for who you are or how you feel. If you truly don't want to ruffle any feathers, just shrug in a non-committal way. Be yourself! You're Awesome!
Posted by Ann | May 5, 2010 7:11 AM
Posted on May 5, 2010 07:11
First. Be yourself. And be true to yourself.
Second. From your description of the situation I understand that you don't intentionally want to provoke people. However, if you are different than them and they take offense to that difference then you will provoke them just by your existence. This is THEIR problem, not yours.
You will not change them no matter how you act so don't grovel for their acceptance.
Third. Whenever you're in a challenging/provoking mood, don't challenge them on the substance of your differences. Challenge them on the underlying idea that there is only one right way to everything. In cases like your weather example, I usually say something like, "Really! I never thought of it that way." or "I guess it takes all kinds." or "I love that there are so many ways to see the world."
Bottom Line. If someone is so dull as to dismiss you as a person because of your taste in weather they are not worth your time, attention, or words. Don't bother with them. Move along.
Posted by mss @ Words Into Bytes | May 5, 2010 8:34 AM
Posted on May 5, 2010 08:34
When you figure out how to converse without offending people I sure hope you post it because I seem to have been born with my foot in my mouth... Full of good intentions but socially inept.
The only strategy I've got for you is that most of the time when people complain about the weather (usually rain) I smile and say it's less watering I have to do in my garden.
Posted by Heather | May 5, 2010 11:45 AM
Posted on May 5, 2010 11:45
I am a long-time sporadic lurker who loves your passionate writing. I thrill with you to your highs and commiserate with you when life brings you low! My husband and I have, for the past year, found sympathetic souls in our local Unitarian Universalist Fellowship. We are collectively: atheists, Buddhists, Jews, Pagans, Christians, etc, etc, all sharing a search for meaining while on quite individual marches to our own truths. The beauty (and luck) of all this is that it exists in a smallish Kentucky community where conservatism rules, stuck smack in the middle of the Bible Belt with all the fire and brimstone one could conjure up! It has been such a wonderful source of community for us!
Likewise, we have for years been Mensans. Diversity and quirky individualism prevail in this group, as well. I am quite sure you have all the qualifications for Mensa membership and might feel it a comfortable fit. Of these two organizations, the Unitarian has become a real source of growth and comfort for us.
I so hope you find your own safe and free outlet for authenticity. Unitarianism has enriched our lives. (Sadly, we are both over 60 years old. That is a long time to have been "without".
Posted by Kay Dalton | May 6, 2010 8:14 AM
Posted on May 6, 2010 08:14
Aimee- I see a lot of rationality missing in the world I experience. Probably sometimes from myself, even though I do try to keep things on a rational level in my own thinking. Colbert was almost too subtle for me but over time I will probably check it out more.
Ms. Lushess- Is Sydney at all like San Francisco? One thing I absolutely LOVE about my birthplace is that you can be almost anything or anyone and find a community around you that understands you or if it doesn't understand exactly, ACCEPTS wild differences amongst people and partnerships. I miss that kind of diversity. It makes the world so colorful and interesting and I must say that there are few people so brave as those who find they were born with the wrong equipment who insist on righting it. People in general find that so scary and threatening, but I know what it feels like to feel wrong in your own skin and the fact that science is now capable of adjusting the human body to match up with the hormones we were given, or the heart- is just amazing. Dude, What a mind twister for you! So you are going to become a lesbian dating a man-but if you fell for a woman who really is a man inside, does that actually mean you're NOT a lesbian?!
You all know I'm not capable of actually lying about myself, right? I can ask the question but the reality is that I'm a terrible lier. Always have been. That's my hyperbole speaking- DO I HAVE TO LIE ABOUT WHO I AM?! But the real question is there too- do I train myself to keep quiet and not take every opportunity that opens itself up to say what I really think. I tend to be incontinent with my thoughts. Some of the constant sharing is reflex and feels out of my control, perhaps a little like the dermatillomania is really distressing to me but is compulsive to the point where it takes a great deal of consciousness and effort to control it around others just to prevent myself from vulnerable exposure. Not automatically sharing my thoughts with people when discussions arise feels compulsive. This is probably not connected to my mental illness but part of embracing who I am and forcing others to acknowledge it. I felt very invisible as a child and I don't think very many people knew me well.
Outright lying is impossible but exerting a great deal of conscious control over when I share my views may be the best way to find a more harmonious place in the world.
The question that goes along with these thoughts is: as a writer it is imperative that I observe and share my observations even if they are not well accepted. I have understood my whole life that writers don't live comfortable lives because even when writing fiction, they have to show us to ourselves or we don't connect with the words. They have to find the contrasts between how we see ourselves and how others might see us. That's going to be emotional and sometimes help us see something new or make us angry or any number of things but the best writers never leave us unmoved.
Do you all see the question there? What makes a person a good writer may be the very thing that makes them not live comfortably in the world with other people. That's not a cop out. I'm wondering out loud, as I always do. I'm wondering if I channel more of my observations, opinions, and views into fiction, will it allow me to be more quiet here in my local world? If I'm putting all those thoughts and the energy that goes with them somewhere outside my mouth, onto paper for example, could I then pass up the political discussions others bring up in town where I am definitely the rancorous note?
No one needs to answer any of my questions. I am exploring them. But keep telling me your thoughts if you have them because I like listening to what you all think. My blog is where I work all this stuff out.
Wow, that was a novel sized comment.
Posted by angelina | May 6, 2010 9:26 AM
Posted on May 6, 2010 09:26
Kay- thanks for commenting and delurking! I have some friends who enjoy attending a Universal Church for the same reasons you do. Kentucky is the real deal Bible-belt, compared to that you could call McMinnville the mini-Bible belt!
MSS- I saw your comment about the new header- Thank you! I'm having so much fun learning to play around in Photoshop. I'm getting better every day. This is my favorite one so far. Your comment is gone now because I accidentally deleted it while cleaning up my comments in the dashboard. Totally lame of me!
Posted by angelina | May 6, 2010 9:42 AM
Posted on May 6, 2010 09:42
I just wanted to say thank you so much for your support! It means a lot to me that you would give my book a try...and I hope it is entertaining when small town life is not so. :)
When you are in Portland again, let me know. I would be happy to sign your book.
Posted by Jean Ann Van Krevelen | May 7, 2010 8:55 AM
Posted on May 7, 2010 08:55
Jean Ann- it was such a pleasure to buy your book! I haven't even gone through the whole thing bit by bit yet- lots in it. But no need for signature because I got a pre-signed one!!! I'm totally excited by the recipes in there.
Posted by angelina | May 7, 2010 9:29 AM
Posted on May 7, 2010 09:29