No Place For Pride Amongst Friends

This has been a week of both empty and plenty.  Just as the bank vault echoed with a cavernous zero and we chose to buy beer instead of something more respectable like food with our last coins scraped from the bottom of the coffers (in our defense, we already had plenty of food) our fortunes rose in other ways.  I don't write about our finances so people have to worry or to feel bad or feel obligated to do something about a situation that isn't their making nor their responsibility.  I write as honestly as I can about what we're experiencing right now, every day, because I believe there is value in the every day truth.

However, it is ridiculous for me to imagine that friends can read such pitiful accounts of digging through every jar in the house for change and not be at least a little concerned.  I honestly never expect my friends and family to read my blog and I generally assume they aren't.  Then I am surprised when they call to find out how we're doing.  And I am surprised when they come bringing us gifts and sharing their wealth.

My friend Dominique who just gave birth twelve weeks ago and who is not Donald Trump came by our house yesterday bringing us beer, crackers, some canned beans, and as if that wasn't enough she tucked a $20 bill into the box which I didn't find until she had gone.  I almost cried.  It occurred to me that I should feel embarrassed to have come to this point and it occurred to me that I should drive that $20 bill back to her house. 

Right on the heels of that thought I also realized that gifts like that are precious and since I might need to buy Max some food before the pay check comes I remembered the decision I made a long time ago, when forced to beg food off of friends, that there is no place for pride between true friends and family.  If a friend offers you help, in whatever form, to refuse is either spitting on a gesture that comes from the best place possible or you're shooting yourself in the foot.

Today my dear friend Nicole came by to bring me some cuttings of her Apothecary Rose, a rose I have wanted to find again after having to leave my last one behind in Santa Rosa.  She also brought me spearmint to plant.  As though that wasn't enough she also brought me a sweet flower cutting for a vase and a card.  In the card she had tucked some supple vanilla bean pods and...a $20 bill. 

My first impulse was the same as when I found Dominique's bill- to return it.  Reject it.  Nicole is also not Donald Trump.  These friends of mine work hard in their own lives for what they have.  They shared it with me and in the end, instead of pride, what I feel is grateful.  Just happy that when the need arises I have people who step in and just care for me.  That's pretty fucking amazing!

I know that some of you had the same impulses and I promise you I felt the same about your generosity.  You were gonna do the same if you could!  This is the kind of thing that makes a girl feel really cared for.  It feels good.  This kind of experience might make a lot of people feel ashamed and awful, but it's just shown me what wonderful seeds of friendship I've managed to sow.

At some point between yesterday and today I heard myself asking "What have I done to deserve such kindnesses?" and I could have slapped myself- well not me, exactly, but the poison voice I've been fighting my whole life.  I answered that question and said "When have I not tried to help the people I care about in whatever way I could when they were in need?" 

I had to remind myself that I have done my best to share the leftover bounty from my store, giving it to all of my friends.  That I try to share the food I make.  That when friends come over I try to feed their souls with cherry pie, or coffee, or an abundance of beer.  I hope that I make people feel free to be themselves.  Not to be admired or remembered but because it gives me joy to share with friends and soothe them when they're down and share in their spazzy pursuits in a happy cloud of fun when we are giddy with purpose.

The point I'm trying to make is that we all need to cultivate generosity between ourselves and sometimes it becomes obvious that we haven't been acting like an asshole, that we've been good to people, because assholes don't tend to inspire anything good in anyone. 

At some point I might have cause to hide a $20 in a box of luxuries for a friend in need.  My friends have just cemented in my mind what I might do for others when the opportunity arises. 

There is other good fortune to report.  I have been in a head spin for two days!  I sent my second sister Riana a box of goods to repay her for her article about preserving citrus (as well as another one as yet unpublished) and amongst the things I sent was a smock I had made as a submission for the Apron book.  It didn't get accepted even though I thought for sure it was such a cool idea they wouldn't be able to resist it....so anyway, I sent one of two versions of this smock to Riana and she posted a picture of it on her flickr pages with a link to the smock tutorial.  Which got a lot of interest and comments.

Amongst the people who saw and liked the mushroom smock tutorial was Soulemama who (as you most likely already know) has published a book and has more in the works.  She has a great many admirers and readers of her blog.  She posted a link to my mushroom tutorial on her sidebar and it made the traffic to Stitch and Boots skyrocket!


So I have been trying hard to upload more of my recipes and articles and to spiff it up before I lose the advantage of so many eyes.  I was unprepared for that genuinely fabulous piece of luck!  I've never had anything like that happen to my blog before.  The numbers are dropping again, because that kind of spiking is temperary.  I'm not bummed.  I might get some good permanent readers out of it.  It has flattered me and made me feel great!  I will not be able to say that this kind of thing "never" happens to me because, apparently, now it has.

Tomorrow is payday.  Danger will be, once again, temporarily averted.  At least for a few days.  It's an adventure, my friends. 

I want to thank all of you for being such supportive blog friends.  I always look forward to hearing from you and it comforts me to know you're all out there having your own questionable adventures too.  xoxoxoxox!!!*


*Those are friendly hugs and kisses.  I am not making passes at you.


Similar posts about the fun of poverty and failure:
Can I Pay The Feds In Cookies?
Oh Money, Where Art Thou?