The Back Is Not So Broke

Philip is taking a well deserved break from working in the store. Since my back is considerably recovered I let him sleep in and am in the shop. I've been here for six hours and about five people have come in, none of them inclined to shop. I've taped up most of the new space in preparation for painting. I've spent five hours looking at blogs. This can be exciting, it can be inspiring, and sometimes it can get you thinking about things you don't feel comfortable with. I found one blog that absolutely charmed me with it's flavor of happy domesticity and as I read the happy home life unravelled before my eyes like a very good suspense novel in reverse.

It must have taken me an hour and a half to read everything on that blog. At the end of it I find that the writer's husband has left her for some other woman and it felt like getting hit in the chest with steel club. It shook me up. I come from a family full of divorce and I can honestly say that each of my parents' divorces were for the best (there have been a total of eight between them). Yet the shadow of that legacy does sometimes still loom over my head in sharp focus. The shadow is comprised of my fear that all marriages inevitably split up. That no one is capable of spending their lives together. My fear that no matter how well you think you're doing in your marriage, the fall-out is always just around the unexpected corner. And I guess, to a certain extent, that no man is capable of fidelity in the long term. Which is so unfair, and I hate that some part of me ever thinks that.

I've been married for thirteen years. I love being married to Philip, and in fact, love being married. I didn't ever pin my life's hopes and dreams on finding a great spouse but then Philip turned up and I got married. About seventeen years earlier than I expected to. The thing is, I'm not very romantic, I'm not particularly sentimental, nor do I view my husband as some Prince Charming. He's my man, he's my best friend, he's my partner, the father of my child, the only man who ever sees me naked, my life's companion, and sometimes he's the man who makes me scream in frustration. I have evolved around, in, and because of my life with him. Together we have been building a life we love. It's far from perfect. Full of pit falls and set backs, as all lives are. But we are doing things we enjoy, being the people we want to be, and we continue to redefine what we want our future to be, together.

Because Philip is an honest and faithful person I don't spend a lot of time worrying that our lives are suddenly going to combust with affairs or drift into some infinite hateful purgatory, but when I read about fifteen year old marriages that seemed happy until one day someone has an affair or discovers that they are miserable and have to leave, it makes me scared. What scares me is that it rarely seems obvious that these marriages are heading for the rocks. It makes me wonder if there are signs all over our lives right now that I am not seeing, or refusing to see. Because the usual revelation is that the signs were there, they just didn't pay attention to them.

So after reading this particular blog and feeling all shaken up I decided to peruse some other happy crafty blogs, and you know what? I couldn't stop wondering: is this person really happily married? Is this blog going to take a sudden bad turn? Is this cool person's life about to drastically change? Break-ups have a terrible after taste. But what's even worse is that aside from suddenly being paranoid that under every apparent happy story lurks a dark turn, I saw all these amazing crafts that other women are doing and felt completely humbled. There is super cool shit being made out there by amazing women. There are so many great writers too. I find myself wanting to send them all spazzy e-mails saying "Hi, I'm a super dork and basically I think we were seperated at birth and need to reunite." Or "I think we need to be best friends but unfortunately I'm a toad and can't be friends with someone who writes as well as you do."

It's in moments like these when my crazy side shines. I'll bet all those cool brilliant women are thinner than me too and have whiter teeth and talk to Jesus in their sleep and have halos over their heads while they serve up broccoli to their children WHO ACTUALLY EAT IT. I know it's no good thinking these kinds of thoughts and I fight this kind of stupid shit in my head all the time.

Very soon I'm going to head home and I need clear my head before I get there. So here's some other thoughts:

• Philip needs his art space set up ASAP and needs to have time to spend in it before he realizes that having a wife and child has stiffled the most brilliant part of himself and decides to leave me to live the life of Picasso.

• I will be setting up my sewing studio in our new space in the next couple of weeks so I will be able to get my sewing done while at the store and not stay up until two in the morning to do it. This will also mean that Philip can spend more time at home since he can work on the website from there and also schedule in time to work on his art.

• When Philip asks me to get a boob job I will have a real reason to worry about our marriage.

• When Philip tells me he's going to get a boob job himself I'll have something more interesting to worry about.

• I love to read the blogs of creative crafters, artists, and writers, but I don't need to be their best friends because I've already got such wonderful creative friends in my life and though many of them now live far away from me and I can't see them or talk to them much, I have two really cool women friends right here where I am and I'm lucky they don't know how crazy I really am.

• Philip will probably never leave me because he HATES change.

• Our website really will be up in the near future and hopefully that will give us an actual income and spur me on to create new good things.

• My back doesn't hurt now and that's a great relief

• Max is wiping himself now AND blowing his nose (he has systematically refused to blow his nose with-or-without help since he was born.) So obviously we're doing something right. I wish I knew what it was so I could do more of it.

• I'm going to do weight watchers with Dominique so hopefully I'll finally get my ass in (smaller) gear. It's nice to work on this with a friend.

• Life has been very good to me when it hasn't been really bad, and I have a whole hell of a lot to be thankful for.