Vintage Handkerchief Sachets

I took a break from apron making yesterday to work on a project I've had in mind for quite a while: vintage handkerchief sachets. This is a possible packaging style. I'm not sure about the nest yet, I'm also not entirely convinced that two sachets is better than three, if I did three in a bundle then they would have to be mismatched because I can only get two sachets out of each handkerchief. What do you think?

Dainty hanky detail.

My friend Chelsea forced me to look at a certain beautiful website yesterday that always plunges me into a deep depression because, frankly, all I can ask myself is "why bother doing anything when someone out there has already done everything worth doing, and has done it ten times better than I ever could?"

But then I realized something. No one but me has the extreme pleasure of being me. Even though I weigh 215 lbs, have a staggering inferiority complex, and have to constantly fight off rather overwhelming anxiety issues as well as some pretty unpleasant waves of serious depression; being me kicks ass.

So instead of wallowing in my irrational inferiority complex I decided to go do what I do best- I ate a lunch rich in cheese and had a glass of wine. With lunch. Reaching new levels of the lush life is what it's all about and no one can do that better than me.

Then I made these sweet sachets which I think are beautiful enough to give as a wedding or bridal shower gift. I know a few people out there who could have done them way more brilliantly. Who also could have shown them to you in a more styled tableau. I don't care half as much as I sound like I care.*

I'm happy with them. They make me happy. I don't care if anyone out there could have done the same thing with ten times the panache and magic. (See how mature I've become in the past few months?) Chelsea: thank you for forcing me to face my demons, to look superiority in the eye and then spit at it. (Besides old friend, I really enjoyed looking at the website together and knowing that I can make whatever comments I want to with as many swear words as I need to use to vent my feelings and you won't harp on me because you're too busy swearing your own obscenities. Makes it seem like you're right here with me.)

Meanwhile...I'm experiencing a random bitter taste on my tongue that has nothing to do with food as it happens when I'm not eating or drinking. It's the same sensation you get when you spray a cloud of Aquanet in the air and then open your mouth to talk before the poisonous particles have settled into your glorious nest of hair and you taste little pings of bitterness which indicates that you have just ingested something THAT COULD KILL YOU.

Am I going to die? I looked up bitter taste as a symptom on the internet. It appears that I have either 1) jaundice, 2) liver disease, 3) mercury poisoning, or 4) lead poisoning.

I'm going into a long demise, aren't I? Shit, my hair doesn't look good enough to go through this. The nice thing about lead poisoning is that since one of the symptoms is irritability, it won't affect my quality of life or relationships much because I'm already irritable about 75% of the time. The symptoms may also include "aggressive behavior". This one scares me just a little bit because what if it means I start doing things like pushing little old ladies over?

Or how about that mercury poisoning? Check this out:
1. Psychological Disturbances (erethysm)
Irritability, Nervousness, Fits of Anger, Memory Loss, Lack of Attention, Depression, Low Self Confidence, Anxiety, Drowsiness, Shyness/timidity, Decline of Intellect, Insomnia, Low Self Control.

They pretty much just described me. I mean, it's almost like they've known me my whole life and have issued the damning truth. I just read all the symptoms (the above is merely the psychological symptoms of mercury poisoning.) Seriously, other symptoms include (but are probably not limited to) allergies, muscle weakness, joint pain, irregular heartbeat, excessive saliva (have you ever seen me drool? Because Philip has and I think he'd agree that I've got excessive saliva. I can't believe he's still married to me.), and metallic taste in mouth.

I'd say it's decisive. I have mercury poisoning.

This is exciting, I'm researching symptoms while I write, so this post is very fresh. I am relieved to report that I probably don't have liver disease, even though it seems the most likely of the possible causes for the bitter taste in my mouth. First of all, jaundice is one of the major indications of liver disease, I never thought I'd be happy to say this- my skin is still distinctly pink in nature. Another huge indication is a loss of appetite and weight loss. Well, I've got my answer right there. There are a few symptoms that are so gross I'm not even going to tell you what they are, but if I did, you 'd be relieved to know that none of them apply to me.

The only other disease that reports a bitter taste in the mouth as a symptom is jaundice itself. But seeing as my skin is so pink and the whites of my eyes are blood-shot** rather than yellow, I think we can rule this one out.

So here's the question: am I going to die of mercury or lead poisoning?

It's true that I have a mouth full of old-school fillings. The kind I'm pretty sure they used mercury in. I've had these fillings in my mouth since I was a kid. Should I get tested? But where on earth would I get lead poisoning from? Yeah, I know, old paint is famous for being full of lead but I kind of thought you had to eat some it (as a child might do) to get the full benefit of poisoning.

Not that I want to change the subject or anything, because I do love a good talk about diseases, but I have a very pressing question to ask: can a 215 lb woman wear vintage-style clothes without looking like Divine? For those of you who've had access to the show "What Not To Wear" please wrack your brains for any tips on which cocktail dress styles to avoid if I have a pear shaped body with no waist at all? Please advise.

My publicist marketing genius, Angeleen, has strongly suggested that Dustpan Alley host some kind of retro themed cocktail party at the store where people are asked to dress up vintage style and come to drink martinis or other stylish beverages. Obviously I'll have to make something for myself. But what type of vintage style would work on a figure like mine? Should I do some fabulously garish mu mu Elizabeth Taylor style? Or do a mod-type a-line dress? Or I could do an empire type cocktail dress but only if I can put a "Not Pregnant" patch on it somewhere to tip people off that all my rolls come to me less honestly than from carrying a wee one. Oh, I could have a patch that says "Giving birth to beer, not baby".


*This is a questionable statement.

**I guess I can say good bye to my future as a super model.