Snail Porn
Snails are like parents, you should never see them have sex.
Unfortunately, I've witnessed both.
What's really weird is to separate two snails in the middle of gettin' it on and then coldly chucking them into the chicken run. I have been scarred by the whole experience.
The only reason why I'm back on the computer again today is because I never actually left it. I'm not good for anything right now. I have definitely been run over by a truck and I'm not getting up soon. I've come to a couple of conclusions, even though we have come to no decisions about how we're going to untangle ourselves from this rat's nest of a life. Those decisions will have to be made under good advisement from qualified third parties.
The conclusions I've come to are these:
- I suck at business. Everyone who worried about me having a business at the beginning had (obviously) a better idea of the outcome than I did and while I went full force forward with 100% faith in myself, those who did not believe in me 100% were absolutely right not to. That is shaming and humbling.
- No matter what I've said before on the subject, I regret having gone after my dream. I do. I have not made a habit of investing any energy into regrets but this regret is so big it doesn't even fit in my body which is why it's trying to get out. REGRET. I should never have tried. I should have listened to everyone who said not to do it, who questioned me.
- My faith in myself is absolutely shaken. Right at the moment I have none left. I no longer have any evidence to support having faith in myself. Or in my abilities. If I am so capable, if my work is so good then I would have succeeded. The truth may not feel good but it looks pretty clear.
- Snail sex is disgusting. (Oh, sorry that got in there again, it's just the last thing I expected to see and I'm still getting shudders from the image that is burning in my brain of snail private parts.)
- I am a very bad mom. I'm not saying this just because I feel like the biggest scab on the planet, it's what I believe most of the time. I am constantly feeling sorry for my kid having to be stuck with a mom like me. I just felt more sorry for him than usual. He's a real cool person.
- I've let my family down. And I don't know how I will forgive myself for doing it.
- I have spent much of my life dispensing advice to others because I can't help myself. I think I should make a little disclaimer to wear on my clothes that says "I don't know shit". I can put it right next to the label that says "Not Pregnant".
- I feel as though my life has been a game of chutes and ladders and I've just been shot down the slide that lands you back to your life as it was fifteen years ago.
- At least I finally have a cute haircut. Turns out the only good hairdresser in Yamhill County is my friend Lisa E. and she isn't even a "professional". She could teach classes to the ladies at the downtown salons.
- I think it would be best if I didn't work at a job that requires me to be nice to people I don't know. But I'm pretty sure that's all I'm qualified to do.
- A real clue that I should never try to own a business in which I have to sell things was evident when the very large unpleasant manager at Radio Shack had a little talk with me about how much I totally suck at selling merchandise to people.