Wanting

Plum liqueur I made two years ago. Unlike my hips, it has been aging gracefully.

It has an intense plummy flavor and although I think it could use a little more alcoholic bite, it is a wonderful drink. The color, of course, mesmerizes me. But then, baskets of dirty potatoes have also been known to mesmerize me.

I have been moving as fast as cold molasses these days. It seems to take a Herculean effort to do the simplest things such as write the bills, pick up the laundry off of the floor, or attend to any of the thousand things that need attending to. This is often a truer indication of depression than a moping mind is. I don't actually feel depressed though. I have just been longing to be able to sit down and read a little, or putter around the house, without great purpose or ambition. In short: I want my life to slow down.

Today I fill out an application for a job. I was going to wait. But if I wait, then we will have a lot less of a cushion in the bank should we need it. I have been busy poring over garden books and it occurs to me that if we can't even afford health care for me* then I also can't afford anything for the garden this year. If I get a job now then I can spend a little on the garden. There is much fruit and flowers (such as roses) to establish in my working garden. So I am going to see if the local health food store will hire me as a cashier.

Things have been becoming clearer. Is it the sharpness in the autumn air? It's certainly true that I do all my best thinking in the fall and winter. I am going to shut down my Dustpan Alley website store for a bit. I don't want to sew for anyone anymore. I am much more interested in developing patterns and DIY instructions for people. My studio has become a place I kind of dread. For three years I have been making aprons for commerce and in that time have barely had a chance to squeak out a few for myself. If I had been making a living doing all that hard work I wouldn't be setting it aside right now. Unfortunately I have spent way more than I have earned and at the end of all that hard work I am looking for minimum wage work as a cashier.**

All of that work did lead me to this blog though. I am so happy here! If I'm going to not make a living doing something, I think it should be something I love, something I wake up to every morning excited to work on, excited to put time and energy into it. I want time to develop projects here at home, projects that I can then tell you about. I will be putting together some kits and patterns which I will list in my Etsy store and when my website and my blog are united, I will list them on my official website too. However, I'm not going to worry about whether anyone buys them or not. I am not a salesperson. I've known this since I was playing Barbies and couldn't sell anything to my own dolls. I am not a retailer. Duh, Angelina. My mom and dad have always known this.

What I want.

I've been thinking so much about wanting lately. Wanting. The things I want right now are so different than the things I have been wanting for the past few years. I want some pretty basic things which are now frighteningly out of my reach. I want to be covered by health care in case something happens to me, which it will because I'm 37 years old and already have a creaky body. I want to be able to buy my kid the things he needs. I want to be able to stay home. I want to have time to tend my garden, my home, my family, and the animals in my care.

I want to become healthy and fit again.

These are not crazy wants.

Do you know what you want? Is what you want now different than what you wanted a year ago? Five years ago?

I used to want more pretty things for my home. I used to want grown up furniture. I used to want to move north, I used to want a bigger garden, I used to want to be a successful business woman. I used to want lots of shoes. I used to want more books. I used to want my own store.

Now I just want to keep what I have. To be honest, I really have gotten a lot of what I wanted. I have some beautiful furniture (that my dog is busy eating), I have some really pretty dishes, I have a bigger yard, I did move north. I think you become much more aware of what you already have when circumstances threaten to take everything you have away.

What's satisfying to me now is opening up a bottle of two year old liqueur that I made myself and having the taste of summer plums burst open in my mouth like I had just picked them yesterday. Still warm from the sun.

Yesterday was one of those mild fall days when the sun warms the air and tranquilizes the spirit. I wanted to get out there and do a little yard work. I have three six packs of swiss chard that I should have planted three weeks ago. I really want to have it growing in my garden. Yesterday would have been perfect. Somehow I ended up pilfering my time away. Squandering it on a lot of nothing because my mind was in disorder. Today, however, is another gorgeous day out. I plan to get out of my pyjamas and into the garden. I have to take it easy though because my back is still troubling me. I am going to enjoy those warm rays saturating the shirt on my back as I plant up a bed of chard.

I'm going to enjoy the great simplification of my life.

*We would certainly qualify for state help in covering our health insurance based on our income, but there is a six month waiting list and you also have to be without health insurance for six months in order to qualify. I can't afford to keep my health insurance and neither Philip's job nor the job I'm hoping to get offer it as a benefit. I will just have to go without. I certainly am not willing to allow Max to be without it and Philip needs to be covered because his asthma needs monitoring. Anyway, that's life in the "land of the free", where we are all free to be too poor to have health care.

**If my prospective employers are reading this, please note that I will be grateful to earn whatever you pay as long as it helps my family pay the bills. Not only that? I will be a great employee!! Seriously. Hire me!