Poverty is a joyride, minus the joy.
I was wrong about the lip thing getting better. It only pretended to get better and then stayed exactly the same. Tomorrow I will go to the "clinic"* to see if I can't get an answer or even a professional clue. I'm not excited to do this because even though we got paid this week, we have to try to keep enough money around to pay the mortgage and there just never seems like there's enough money for everything.
This makes me bring up a question: should I reopen my Etsy store?
(I know, then there would be even less time for everything.)
But look at this list of things we need to pay for and can't afford:
So there's all this financial stress hanging over my head. I'm doing some small technical writing freelance jobs for Philip's bosses but that's not enough to make up the difference. I know that Kung Fu is taking up almost all of our "extra" money but it seems to be such a benefit to all of us I would HATE to give it up. I suppose you could call that a luxury. Plus the weekend beer. But for god's sake, I've got to have some indulgences! This weekend we all went out to eat but we only do this about once every two to three weeks.
It's stupid of me to be thinking of going back to the sewing, isn't it? When would I have time to finish my book? But the book doesn't pay and I made a little money in my Etsy shop so that when we were desperate we could buy groceries, back before I got my job.
I was so tired of sewing the things I'd sewn before I wonder if sewing new things would make a difference?
Here's what I was thinking of offering:
dinner napkins
cloth shower curtains
men's shirt smocks
coasters
head scarves
men's aprons
duvet covers (my sister's suggestion)
cloth grocery bags
I don't know. I really don't. I'm so happy we're not drowning in debt the way we were before the bankruptcy filing but it still sucks not being able to take care of things that need taking care of. I like not being poor. I like having money for all of our needs and a few of our wishes. I want to be in that place again where we might be able to save a little money sometimes.
I have to admit that I get pretty scared when I think about what we can't afford to take care of. I can't go around talking to Philip about this because he is way more stressed all the time about this stuff and all it takes to send him into a nice solid panic is to tell him that I'm scared. I have to act like it's all going to be alright. Which wears me out when I have no idea if it really is going to be alright.
I don't really want to cram one more set of obligations into my life but I feel like if there's a chance it could make a difference to our needs- why am I not doing it?
Thanks for letting me get all that out of my system. I know the answer already.
I have a sinking feeling that we'll just have to quit Kung Fu. Do I have a choice? Is there some hidden way for me to make more money? Can't sell my eggs cause I've been too old for that for years now. Could I sell my spleen? What about selling off one of my legs? I might not be able to do Kung Fu myself anymore but that could pay for my guys to keep going.
This is the same old question, the same old problem I've had for years now. I'm lucky to have the job I do because without it we'd be completely sunk. I should stop worrying about my kitties getting FIV like Ozark did, or worry that this mouth disease will never go away and the cracks in the corners of my mouth will continue to sting every time I eat. I shouldn't worry about not being able to afford to get Max medicated, we have plenty of time before he starts to medicate himself, right? Instead of replacing my scooter wheel I can just ride my bicycle. It will eat into the precious little time I have to get errands done every day but c'est la vie, n'est-ce pas?
And why do I need to be medicated anyway? Isuffered lived with my mental illness naturally for 19 years before I got pharmaceutical help. I know I almost killed myself and was obsessed with thoughts of death for years while I took St. John's Wart, drank peppermint tea, took valerian drops, exercised, practiced CBT on myself...So many options that don't work very well but kept me busy with effort. Who needs Western medicine when I could be improving my character** some more by fighting every day to get through the hours? That's the stuff! Suffering is an art and by trying to take care of myself with the only medicines that have ever worked I am really copping out on my chance to prove how tough I am.
Yeah, that's a lot of weary bitterness.
I would like to be hopeful right now. I would like to feel sure that things are going to improve for us soon. Tell me what's making you hopeful? Tell me what's holding you aloft in your own hard times? Cause I know a lot of you are having just as rough, and even rougher, times than we are. So much struggling going on out there for everyone! If you're less negative than I am right now, tell me how you're staying positive.
I know that having a really good soaking tub would make a world of difference for my moods and my outlook but I can't afford one of those either. Damn it. That's one of those fluffy frivolous things I didn't even put on the list of needs above because it isn't technically a need.
Tell me how you live.
* I used to think of Clinics as being free (like the ones I went to in San Francisco) but apparently no one does that anymore. It's $50 to go to my doctors office clinic which is certainly cheaper than what it is to make an actual appointment. But it still feels like a big chunk of change we can't really afford. Meanwhile we're paying $100 a month for health insurance for Max that doesn't cover any of his therapy nor will it cover his upcoming psychiatrist visit which will cost us a whopping $300 for the first consultation for him. Then $100 per visit, just like with me. The therapy for him costs $130 per visit and while he could really benefit from two visits a month we can barely afford one.
**There are plenty of people who think I need to do more of this.
This makes me bring up a question: should I reopen my Etsy store?
(I know, then there would be even less time for everything.)
But look at this list of things we need to pay for and can't afford:
- Both cats are due for their shots.
- My Vespa back tire is bald and needs replacing and the oil needs changing.
- Taxes we owe the state and the penalties we'll be slapped with for not being able to afford paying them.
- A second pair of shoes for Max now that the rainy season is starting, plus some new sweatpants.
- Another psychiatrist visit for me.
- A new laptop (or the huge quantity of dollars it will take to fix the fan- supposedly not worth doing on my cheap little machine). This I need to do my work in order to keep getting paychecks to pay the mortgage. But how to afford one?
So there's all this financial stress hanging over my head. I'm doing some small technical writing freelance jobs for Philip's bosses but that's not enough to make up the difference. I know that Kung Fu is taking up almost all of our "extra" money but it seems to be such a benefit to all of us I would HATE to give it up. I suppose you could call that a luxury. Plus the weekend beer. But for god's sake, I've got to have some indulgences! This weekend we all went out to eat but we only do this about once every two to three weeks.
It's stupid of me to be thinking of going back to the sewing, isn't it? When would I have time to finish my book? But the book doesn't pay and I made a little money in my Etsy shop so that when we were desperate we could buy groceries, back before I got my job.
I was so tired of sewing the things I'd sewn before I wonder if sewing new things would make a difference?
Here's what I was thinking of offering:
dinner napkins
cloth shower curtains
men's shirt smocks
coasters
head scarves
men's aprons
duvet covers (my sister's suggestion)
cloth grocery bags
I don't know. I really don't. I'm so happy we're not drowning in debt the way we were before the bankruptcy filing but it still sucks not being able to take care of things that need taking care of. I like not being poor. I like having money for all of our needs and a few of our wishes. I want to be in that place again where we might be able to save a little money sometimes.
I have to admit that I get pretty scared when I think about what we can't afford to take care of. I can't go around talking to Philip about this because he is way more stressed all the time about this stuff and all it takes to send him into a nice solid panic is to tell him that I'm scared. I have to act like it's all going to be alright. Which wears me out when I have no idea if it really is going to be alright.
I don't really want to cram one more set of obligations into my life but I feel like if there's a chance it could make a difference to our needs- why am I not doing it?
Thanks for letting me get all that out of my system. I know the answer already.
I have a sinking feeling that we'll just have to quit Kung Fu. Do I have a choice? Is there some hidden way for me to make more money? Can't sell my eggs cause I've been too old for that for years now. Could I sell my spleen? What about selling off one of my legs? I might not be able to do Kung Fu myself anymore but that could pay for my guys to keep going.
This is the same old question, the same old problem I've had for years now. I'm lucky to have the job I do because without it we'd be completely sunk. I should stop worrying about my kitties getting FIV like Ozark did, or worry that this mouth disease will never go away and the cracks in the corners of my mouth will continue to sting every time I eat. I shouldn't worry about not being able to afford to get Max medicated, we have plenty of time before he starts to medicate himself, right? Instead of replacing my scooter wheel I can just ride my bicycle. It will eat into the precious little time I have to get errands done every day but c'est la vie, n'est-ce pas?
And why do I need to be medicated anyway? I
Yeah, that's a lot of weary bitterness.
I would like to be hopeful right now. I would like to feel sure that things are going to improve for us soon. Tell me what's making you hopeful? Tell me what's holding you aloft in your own hard times? Cause I know a lot of you are having just as rough, and even rougher, times than we are. So much struggling going on out there for everyone! If you're less negative than I am right now, tell me how you're staying positive.
I know that having a really good soaking tub would make a world of difference for my moods and my outlook but I can't afford one of those either. Damn it. That's one of those fluffy frivolous things I didn't even put on the list of needs above because it isn't technically a need.
Tell me how you live.
* I used to think of Clinics as being free (like the ones I went to in San Francisco) but apparently no one does that anymore. It's $50 to go to my doctors office clinic which is certainly cheaper than what it is to make an actual appointment. But it still feels like a big chunk of change we can't really afford. Meanwhile we're paying $100 a month for health insurance for Max that doesn't cover any of his therapy nor will it cover his upcoming psychiatrist visit which will cost us a whopping $300 for the first consultation for him. Then $100 per visit, just like with me. The therapy for him costs $130 per visit and while he could really benefit from two visits a month we can barely afford one.
**There are plenty of people who think I need to do more of this.
Comments (12)
I really have no money and no control over any money in our household which is good, most of the time. I think the financial part sucks when you don't have enough to even do some nice things every now and then for fun or just because. I am looking for a part time job in the mornings so we can pay for preschool and have a little extra money every month. It's hard and not having money is starting to get to me. I think you change your appreciation for it though as it ebbs and wanes in your life.
Posted by amy | October 4, 2009 4:25 PM
Posted on October 4, 2009 16:25
Your town has a Planned Parenthood. These places act not just as family planning clinics, but as general clinics, and their prices are usually on a generous sliding scale. Could you go there?
Also, most towns have low cost animal vaccination clinics. Your vet should have information about these. They make a huge difference in cost of vaccination.
I know it will still cost money, but the place to get a laptop is geeks.com. There they have lots of guaranteed refurbished used laptops. If you visit the site regularly for a couple of weeks, you will find what you need at the best price you can get really anywhere.
It's not karate, but the McMinnville Parks and Recreation Department is offering tae kwon do for $25 for 10 sessions during its summer session. I imagine they'll have it in their fall session, too.
Yamhill County Adult Mental Health could be somewhere to get mental health care cheaply. While county services are generally geared to people with public insurance (i.e. here in California it's MediCal), mental health generally will provide county-funded aid for people with mental health issues that are not covered by their insurance, or for people who do not have insurance. It is worth calling them, because if they decide to take you, your shrink and meds will be free. It's worth looking into for Max, also. In addition, are there any mental health resources available through the public school system there?
Also, the US Department of Health and Human Services has a search engine for free and low cost clinics: http://findahealthcenter.hrsa.gov/
There are several in your area, such as the Virginia Garcia Memorial Health Center.
Help with medicine costs can be found through
http://www.pparxor.org/ (Oregon Partnership for Prescription Assistance)and
and http://www.needymeds.org/
In addition, there is a Yamhill County branch of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill in your town. They would have more precise information of low cost health and mental health care in your area. NAMI also has information on child services.
I just think that there's more help out there for you, but it takes some hustle to find it. I imagine you are sufficiently motivated to make the search.
Posted by Blaize | October 4, 2009 5:53 PM
Posted on October 4, 2009 17:53
sigh.
i was adding shit up today, and it just doesn't add up. the this, the that, the whatever, and yeah - there's nothing for anything.
Posted by magpie | October 4, 2009 6:41 PM
Posted on October 4, 2009 18:41
Money is such a stressy worry because it effects everything else in life and sucks the joy out of treats as you end up thinking you shouldn't do it.
I don't know anything about your town but could you do clothing alterations? Round here there is only one place to get skirts/trousers shortened or zips replaced, I have been thinking about doing it, perhaps giving out some flyers in the playground at school.
Posted by French Knots | October 5, 2009 5:25 AM
Posted on October 5, 2009 05:25
I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I too have struggled with the idea of doing a part-time job (in addition to full-time) for some extra money. I just don't know if it's worth the drain and lack of sleep (therefore, bad effect on my health). :/ I used to be a tutor, and that was ok because it was only a few hours a week and paid good money, so if I could do that again, it might be worth it. Maybe there is a learning center or some place that you could tutor also.
About your cats, are they indoor only? I would put their vaccines low on the priority list (and I love cats). Some shots are recommended every 3 years now, whereas they used to be every 1 year. Some vets say that older cats don't need vaccinations at all. At least in my area, they don't vaccinate for FIV. The only thing they offer for that is a test. Vaccines are offered for Feline Leukemia, Distemper, Rabies.
As far as insurance, does neither Phillip's work or yours offer it, or is it too expensive that way? Just curious.
Posted by Jade | October 5, 2009 9:12 AM
Posted on October 5, 2009 09:12
See how many of us are in the same boat? It really sucks!
Amy- I hope you find something that fits your schedule- I know how hard that can be. Fingers crossed for you!
Blaize- I already answered your comment on FB but I will say again that I appreciate how much thought you've put into checking out options for us here and though I have already checked many of them out myself, you've brought up a couple worthy of closer inspection.
Magpie- damn, double damn- I'm sorry your situation is failing to add up too. What ends up happening is a lot of depressing prioritizing. But hopefully the choices won't be so hard over time (I hope for improvement for us all!)
Jo- you're so right. People always like to say that money doesn't buy happiness, but I counter than not having enough of it sure does help stress blossom. But- I got your package last night and it has reminded me of all the kindness out there, the bright spots, and I will write about it soon- THANK YOU my friend! The gift was so incredibly sweet and the American dollars you tucked in the book made me laugh and also- saving that for beer money for next week!
Jade- that's it isn't it? we really have to weigh the added stress that having less time after our regular jobs will add to our already stressful lives. I really think I need to keep things as they are and keep juggling choices. At least right now I can find a little time to write and spend with my kid and do some of the other things I love. As for the cats- they are outdoor/indoor cats and though Pippa never goes far from the perimeters of the house, Penny does and she has gotten in a few fights so I worry about her getting FIV. That's what our old cat died of. They didn't even have that vaccine available for most of his life and he was a big fighter. So I'm going to see if there are any cheap clinics around and at least get Penny her shots. I work as an independent contractor for my work which means no benefits at all. Philip works for a small company that can't afford to offer any health insurance at any price.
Miss Yuzu- I am so excited that you are finally heading towards your dream of motherhood! It's quite an adventure. If I open an Etsy shop I will be sure to tell you but I think I'm better off not doing it.
Posted by angelina | October 5, 2009 11:23 AM
Posted on October 5, 2009 11:23
How about getting together with some friends and having a multi-family yard sale? You'd be surprised at how much money you can make from things you don't want/need/use anymore. It probably wouldn't be a fortune, but could help with some of those expenses you mentioned, like clothes for Max and a tire for you.
Posted by Diane | October 5, 2009 11:33 AM
Posted on October 5, 2009 11:33
I can sooooo relate! A recent illness once again brought it front and center for me. I tried the various public health clinics but they either had a waiting list of about 3 mths or they were more expensive than my normal doctor (sliding scale fees). Luckily, my doctor charges a different rate for those without insurance, but it's still steep.
Again, the healthcare issue drives me NUTS.
As to how to make it---I wonder this same thing daily. I am going to school in hopes of becoming more employable but the things I'm interested in aren't going to make me rich... I try to focus on the good things in life (like having a roof over my head, food on the table, and a family that loves me)... It probably sounds dorky but it's the way I make it without a nervous breakdown...
I'd say go for the Etsy route. It might help a little!! Good luck...
Posted by Anonymous | October 5, 2009 2:08 PM
Posted on October 5, 2009 14:08
long story short..shorter.It's fall in the midwest and every fall for the last 35 or so years of my life, I get the notion that I can do things that I have never been very good at...like baking pies and knitting and sewing. When I try to cook or bake I love wearing aprons so I decided last week to make some cool aprons. I bought the A is for Apron book and the apron that I liked best was the Kaleidoscope. Suffice words and despite the crunchy leaves and cool blue skies here in the midwest...I cannot sew aprons. It is not fun and I am not patient like my great grandma was when she sat for hours at her Singer, sewing aprons and dresses for me to wear on my chubby little kid body. I am through trying and I just found your blog...and all I can say is...please sell aprons. There is a great tea shop here in my town that I would be happy to introduce your aprons to...if you decide. In the mean time I, a total stranger from the midwest...send you thoughts of peace and hope.
Joni
Posted by Joni | October 6, 2009 8:35 AM
Posted on October 6, 2009 08:35
Was a medical transcriptionist before retiring and transcribed many reports of patients with your symptoms of cracked lips. I seem to remember this was primarily lip-licking (in children) or vitamin deficiency in others. Did a web search and found this....
Cracked Mouth? Could Be a Vitamin Deficiency
Wed, 01/23/2008 - 1:00pm by FitSugar
8 Comments
It's common to get dry, chapped lips during the Winter, but what about cracks at the corners of your mouth that don't seem to go away no matter how much lip balm you apply? I've heard that this could be a symptom of a vitamin deficiency, so I decided to do some research.
Indeed, persistent cracking at the corners of the lips could be a sign that you're not getting enough vitamin B — in particular, folic acid (B9) and riboflavin (B2). This isn't anything to freak out about, but if you think your diet might be lacking, try taking a multivitamin or vitamin B complex supplement. Or just increase your intake of foods rich in B vitamins and see if that helps. You can also soothe the cracked areas with ointments like Vaseline or Neosporin.
If the problem persists, talk to your doctor to see if you might have a more serious problem with anemia or a common fungal infection called angular chelitis.
Perhaps some of these suggestions might help. Enjoy reading your blog. Take care.
Posted by Mary Anne | October 7, 2009 6:29 PM
Posted on October 7, 2009 18:29
Honestly- I figure if all else fails we will just sell off everything and move to some foreign country (probably NOT Taiwan this time) and I find the possibility uplifting. Maybe, like Barbara Kingsolver, I could buy some farm somewhere in the Appalachians and grow and raise almost all our own food? Wanna join me? You might even have relatives!
All the other stuff...well, I'm putting together an I-wish-you-were-here box in loo of being able to visit and say stupid stuff that isn't smart enough to solve problems.
lots o love
Posted by sharon | October 8, 2009 7:30 PM
Posted on October 8, 2009 19:30
Diane- I've thought about that...but mostly doing garage sales really stresses me out. However, I have to weigh that stress against the possible relief that a few extra dollars a garage sale might produce- I will think on that some more.
Anon- Those are good things to think about and it really all comes back to that, doesn't it- appreciating the things that are going right like a family that loves us? Thanks for commenting.
Joni- I'm seriously thinking of doing the Etsy again. I'm so glad you liked my apron from the book! I think that if you really want to learn to do some of the things you mentioned you'll keep trying until you get better at them and find you are enjoying doing them. Even so, I believe that none of us are meant to do everything and you are better off spending your time doing things, learning things, that excite you more than they frustrate you. Believe it or not I have always had a love/hate relationship with sewing.
Mary Ann- Thank you for all your thoughts on the lip issue- it turned out to be impetigo. I finally got to the doctor. I always think it's funny when people suggest a vitamin deficiency though because even though my diet has way too much fat in it from large doses of cheese- I eat a lot more produce than than most people do. The B vitamins are omnipresent in eggs which I also eat a lot of. Dark leafy greens also make large appearances in my diet. But I shouldn't assume anything about nutrition because sometimes our bodies don't make good use of what we put in them.
Sharon- you are such a sweet and true friend! Did you get the message from me? I actually tried CALLING you on the PHONE for once. I'll try again. I miss you all the time and so much of what I do makes me think of you. Sure, I'll join you in the Appalachians! (Pretty sure there are a few connected DNA strands there).
Posted by Angelina | October 9, 2009 8:32 AM
Posted on October 9, 2009 08:32