I Might Be Short A Few Watts
My very dear friend Chelsea said it's getting weird around here at Dustpan Alley. I objected to the adjective and asked her if she was referring to all the really depressing personal posts and she agreed. HEY! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS? Do any of you remember when I had that light bulb moment two and a half years ago? It seems that maybe I'm becoming one of those classic mental cases that has to have the same light bulb moment over and over again, cause I'm having it now. The same one. Again. 
(See, it's not weird around here...how can it be weird with all the homey pictures to distract you?) I haven't taken an antidepressant in a year and a half. I've been taking only my antianxiety. Now what, I have to ask myself, made me think it was a good idea to stop medicating the depression? It can take a while to recognize the same old same old bad ass depression because it can be insidious. I experience two kinds: the kind that makes me want to jump off the bridge, and the kind that simply makes me too tired to peel a cucumber.I've talked about needing to adjust my meds for a very long time now. Tomorrow I'm making an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I'm going to get back on antidepressants and then I tell you what? I'm never going to stop taking them again. Might have to switch which ones I take from time to time, but I'm going to be so embarrassed if I have to have a third light bulb moment about this same issue.
Cause someone's bound to suggest that my real problem is that I'm short a few watts.
I also see from that post that I've been pretty fixated on the idea of being perimenopausal for quite some time now. The nice thing about continuing to age is that it will get less and less ridiculous for me to ask everyone if I might possibly be starting menopause because eventually it'll be right on time.
The whole paxil dust bit in that old post never fails to make me laugh. This is one of the things I love about myself (see, I love things about myself)- I have never had trouble amusing myself.
There are many things that are wonderful right now. I feel I owe it to you all to share some things that are making me happy:
See how not-weird this post is?
I would love to hear about what's making all of you happy right now. Even if you're going through a rough patch and there isn't much. There's always something.
I also see from that post that I've been pretty fixated on the idea of being perimenopausal for quite some time now. The nice thing about continuing to age is that it will get less and less ridiculous for me to ask everyone if I might possibly be starting menopause because eventually it'll be right on time.
The whole paxil dust bit in that old post never fails to make me laugh. This is one of the things I love about myself (see, I love things about myself)- I have never had trouble amusing myself.
There are many things that are wonderful right now. I feel I owe it to you all to share some things that are making me happy:
- Playing chess with Max and almost beating him for the first time today.
- Harvesting the first beans from the garden.
- Harvesting the first summer squashes from the garden.
- Seeing about a thousand lady bugs in my yard. I may have big drifts of six foot tall weeds (I really do!) but the true health of a garden, in my opinion, is in the number of beneficial insects that visit it.
- Deadheading my roses. I love my roses. I love roses so much and it's been hard to get out there and promote more buds because it's hot and I've been so cramped with other things going on. I spent an hour watering and deadheading and it made me breath a little more deeply. I hope to tackle the back yard tomorrow evening.
- My CSA shares. I ate the sweetest most crisp cucumbers today and dressed them in balsamic dressing and just ate most of them like that. I couldn't stop. They were so fantastic.
- The fact that my hens are able to peck a watermelon down to just the green rind which then floats around the pen like a paper thin bowl is endearing. Their beak skills impress me and make me laugh.
- Georgette Heyer books. When I'm done writing this post I'm going to start a "new" one. I've read all of them several times but if I wait a year or two between readings they seem completely new. I love her stories. I wish that I could write the way she does. Would like to be funny and light and make people happy and make them laugh.
- Bob Dylan. Brilliant, always bringing me home, tells American stories in such a poignant and lovely way.
- Pippa and Penny. Because they're the sweetest kitties I have ever met and all they ask me to do is feed them and occassionally drag a bit of elastic around for them. When Pippa hunts down little wads of crumpled tissue it totally kills me!
See how not-weird this post is?
I would love to hear about what's making all of you happy right now. Even if you're going through a rough patch and there isn't much. There's always something.
Comments (17)
Earlier today Hailey came home, from being away for a few days, climbed onto the bed and we laid about talking. She is the nicest person, my girl. Times with my kids, making those connections always, always bring me heaps of happiness.
Posted by Kathy | July 16, 2009 10:30 PM
Posted on July 16, 2009 22:30
Things that made me happy today...
Listening to my chickens coo at me when I close up their roost for the night.
Wandering round my rampantly green garden even though it is stuck in the middle of winter and last night we had a frost.
I had a great session with my natropath and as of the last 4 hours I have been able to say no to myself about bad food choices without struggle.
I managed to write a post this week that actually got some comments.
Looking at the shredded tissue on the table and realising my dog had to take the stress over fact that the chickens turned up on the back doorstep out on something and her choice was tissue.
I am sure that's enough but certainly not all.
Kind Regards
Belinda
Posted by simply.belinda | July 17, 2009 12:41 AM
Posted on July 17, 2009 00:41
I'm happy to know you are seeing a bit of emotional sunshine! xo
Posted by Pam | July 17, 2009 5:44 AM
Posted on July 17, 2009 05:44
My chickens. When Buffy hops up on my lap and hunkers down for a few minutes, life is good.
My garden-it is very satisfying to pop tomatoes and blueberries in my mouth as I wander around it.
P.G. Wodehouse books-Jeeves and Wooster!
P.G. Tips tea-Jack's parents brought a large suitcase full of tea and Hob Nob biscuits on their recent visit. Enough to last us 6 months-hopefully until their or our next visit.
Drawing class: I've long wanted to take one, but felt too lame to take one. It is a challenge and I love it.
Posted by Tonia | July 17, 2009 6:00 AM
Posted on July 17, 2009 06:00
Watching my youngest son get so excited about going off to college in a few weeks. He can't wait to be all grown up,on his own and living in the dorm. I don't want to burst his bubble and tell him that being an adult mostly sucks. He'll find out soon enough. And I can not stop thinking about a sweet little baby that will be here in January by way of my oldest son and his newlywedded wife. My first grandchild!! I can't wait!!
Posted by Diane | July 17, 2009 6:18 AM
Posted on July 17, 2009 06:18
-relaxing work days
-a good lunch
-Snak (kitten) playing with his toy
Posted by Jade | July 17, 2009 8:44 AM
Posted on July 17, 2009 08:44
The sun - you can see it
The front lawn is mowed (so it doesn't look like we live in a drug house)
I can see and so I can write and experience life so fully.
We live in an absolutely beautiful place
I get to go grocery shopping this morning with a stop to the farm on the way for veggies.
Posted by amy | July 17, 2009 9:02 AM
Posted on July 17, 2009 09:02
I'm with Tonia on the PG Tips and Wodehouse. Other than that, what is making things good for me right now is the way that being out of the country for 7 weeks detached me from drama, including my own. Instead of being concerned about the mess people make of their lives, I just find it sort of humorous. It might be a bit cold, but I am enjoying it for the present.
Posted by Blaize | July 17, 2009 11:16 AM
Posted on July 17, 2009 11:16
Happy!
~I got a book in the mail today: Chiropractic First Aid (recommended by my chiro, believe it or not). Now my family can learn to adjust that one little spot in my back that hurts SO badly when it goes out!
~My husband's job prospects are REALLY good right now. As in, we should hear something next week. As in, we are actually going to MOVE!
~I have a coupon for a free pint of Starbucks Ice Cream.
~My mother came through this morning's knee surgery with flying colors and should be in significantly less pain by this time next week.
~I am learning tips in Photoshop that make me SO PROUD of the things I can make. I can be an artist.
~My children are happily cozied on the couch downstairs, watching Sherlock Holmes with my parents. Sherlock Holmes! At their ages! How happy is that?
Posted by Aimee | July 17, 2009 11:18 AM
Posted on July 17, 2009 11:18
1. Reading that you do have some happiness (I worry about you ;-)
2. The beautiful weather - only 75 degrees!
3. The tick is no longer on my head, burrowing in
4. Planning on making butterbeer for our Harry Potter night tonight
5. My newly painted bedroom
Posted by Tracey | July 17, 2009 12:10 PM
Posted on July 17, 2009 12:10
Things that make me happy:
1.My new job, the salon makes me want to go home, light candles, and make wishes. It's so beautiful! But, um, too hot to light candles. I can still make wishes.
2.My partner, his attitude surpasses mine for the way he can always see the silver lining, he amazes me. He always sees what I cannot and coaxes me into peace.
3.The smile on my coworkers' faces after I've done their hair. There is nothing like proving your competence to professional peers. They're new, and I'm just getting a read on them.
There are more reasons,I just can't think of them right now, but I'm really happy despite the heat. Thank you for the neat post, Angelina.
Sometimes I wonder if your psychic weather is due, in part, to your name. You are an angel, uncomfortable in skin, any skin, but connected more to the natural world, the world we used to be. Eh, I don't know, but maybe?
Posted by taj | July 17, 2009 6:31 PM
Posted on July 17, 2009 18:31
What makes me happy : my baby cat who hunts the bed sheets when I prepare the bed.
Remembering my friend's daughter breaking a secret in front of me "and her, she knows ? Knows what ? That you have a baby in your tummy."
And when I have a rough path, I am happy to know I have been strong and I probably can survive anything.
And I imagine having a baby in my arms, like and old friend I've been waiting for so long...
Posted by missyuzu | July 18, 2009 7:17 AM
Posted on July 18, 2009 07:17
ooo how positive. What makes me happy?
That my good friend is coming to visit in a couple weeks AND she might even be a bit happier by then (not that we wouldn't have welcomed her anyway;))
I swung by a late garage sale today only to discover that it was being held by the nice lady who used to be my neighbor and she gave me a bunch of stuff for free
finding out who my youngest is. He loooves music- usually a crazy active guy he stands mesmerized a half hour as we watch a young indie band perform outside a gelatto shop.
my husband moving off of my computer onto his new one.
my garden growing, and trimming the topiary
boy in red pajamas feeding chickens in morning light next to a red radio flyer tricycle
i could go on...that's just today!
:)
Posted by Anonymous | July 18, 2009 9:18 PM
Posted on July 18, 2009 21:18
I love to hear all of your lists! Miss Yuzu- I hope that the baby you so dearly desire you get to hold in your arms in the near future. Although I'm such a quiz when it comes to this whole parenting thing, I know the strong biological urge and it is the most compelling sensation a woman can experience. more than love, more than any other personal accomplishment....and even though it freaks me out that the world is getting overpopulated, I could never do less than hope that every woman who wishes to have her own child may be able to do so!! I send out all my best wishes to you!!
Simply Belinda- that chicken cooing sound is a sound I have enjoyed for a long time and love that you mention this as something making you happy right now. That sound is so comforting and natural and sweet!
Kathy- I know how much you love your kids and how gratifying that must be!
Pam- I adore you as I always do! Thank you. XOXO.
Tonia- Lordy! how cute that Buffy does that! I remember my old (dead) hen Claudine hunkering down in my lap for a few minutes and I thought I was having a communion with everything the best in the world!
Diane- that is a lovely moment with your son. I am one of those freaks that think being an adult is a hundred times better than being a youth, but I understand what you mean anyway. My kid has no real clue what's coming his way. Still, that's a good moment to see your child enter into.
Jade- Ooooh- kitten! (and good lunch!) Our kittens aren't kittens anymore but as I mentioned, (and mention often), they continue
to deliver the kittenish fun and cuteness.
Amy- an idyllic life! (you know, some of the time.)
Blaize- I am in agreement with you and Tonia about PG Wodehouse being an object (person) of happiness. Plus PG Tips, which you both must know is my very favorite black tea of ALL TIME.
Aimee- So happy to hear your mom's knee surgery went off without an apparent hitch! Yay! And also that you and your husband may soon be able to settle into the PNW- then we'll only be three hours away and I can plot to visit you from the train!
Tracey- damn it, you're sweet! Uh, I have a horror of ticks, as in, I will shudder for hours after finding out that anyone (including you) I know has had one burrowing (shudder) into their skin. That the tick is gone from you is an intensely good reason to celebrate!
Taj- a good partner is somebody to celebrate often and not to be taken for granted. I'm happy both that you have a partner you feel really great about, but also that your new job is giving you professional fulfillment!
Anonymous- you sound like one of my good friends who may have forgotten to sign your name to this post. But if not- you sound like a good friend anyway. Did you say "topiary"? What are you topiarying? Seriously, you must be Sharon or some other good friend of mine!!!
Posted by Angelina | July 19, 2009 12:50 AM
Posted on July 19, 2009 00:50
Happy? Watermelon. And making my husband do all the cooking.
About the meds: I went through a few years of on the drugs/off the drugs with several of those lightbulb moments. I'm now sure that Zoloft is part of my daily business, forever and a day, just like brushing my teeth.
Posted by magpie | July 21, 2009 9:48 AM
Posted on July 21, 2009 09:48
Magpie- maybe people like you and me just have to go through that process a few times before really getting it. I know there are people who only need the meds for a year or two and then are fine without but when I think that I have been suffering from depression my whole life I have to ask myself what makes me think I'll ever not suffer from it. And knowing how much better and more manageable life is with the support of meds- why on earth would I choose the suffering? I'm really looking forward to my appointment. It's nice to hear someone else say what I really know is true- thanks for piping up!! Oh and watermelon is wonderful!
Posted by angelina | July 22, 2009 5:02 PM
Posted on July 22, 2009 17:02
Thank you for a great post
Posted by bed bug eradication | May 16, 2010 11:34 PM
Posted on May 16, 2010 23:34