PDX Zoo In Two Views
(no caged animal shots)
#1: The Family View:
Today is Father's Day and in all the hubbub of the Store closing and my brain malfunctioning I didn't have a present ready for Philip. This is the first time I have come to his day empty handed. However, it occurred to me that one of the things Philip always wants to do and I never let us do is take family day-trips. Things like going to the beach, a road trip, or to the zoo. It's not that I don't love my family, it's just that going to these places with a kid really stresses me out.So I thought how lovely it would be to set the anxiety issues aside, bite the damn bullet and go with my men-folk to the zoo. They've been before and loved it. I actually generally hate zoos because I think they're depressing. Philip has been to the same zoos I've been to as a kid and assured me that this one is really good. So we headed out to the zoo.
Max really does love it. It's wonderful to see him brimming with excitement over the prospect of seeing the monkeys play with their feces again, to see him race ahead to show me where we're going. I thought to myself "why do I avoid these places? This is cool!" The first thing we did was ride the train.
A peacock and a peahen were hanging out by the tracks. Does this mean that in the peacock world they are "the wrong sort"? This guy was strutting his stuff. Very exciting sudden show for us all to enjoy. Max made me take about fifteen pictures. I have to admit that I was pretty impressed even though I realized that if this flashy bird was a man, he'd be wearing a disco suit, huge ropey gold chains, and be exposing lots of chest hair.
We sat in the back as per Max's decree that the back was the only place to be so we'd have the best view of everything. The ride takes you through the woods of Washington Park. Beautiful trees and ferns everywhere; you can look up through the skylight and see a lacy umbrella of branches and glowing greenery.
It was a pretty fun ride with Max getting more and more amped up as we rode. By the time we got off the train I could almost hear the dynamite fuse burning in his head. We let Max lead us around and we smiled at our gorgeous growing bairn with his hair like a beacon in the darkness of the aquarium. This is why we had a kid. To have adventures in the world together; to see new things so that we'll have something to talk about over the long dull winter nights. Family life is good!#2: The Other View:
The thing about anxiety is that you can't just set it aside. It's always there with you; muted at its best moments; at its worst it's rising in your blood, stealing your breath until you're so choked for air you pass out.
A zoo is a place filled with families which means hundreds of children all running amok with expectations, excitement, sugar, weird parents, snotty noses, banging at the penguins through the glass, leaning over railings, pulling at fences in spite of warnings not to, shrieks of happiness and discovery, shrieks of anger and shrill piercing little voices demanding immediate attention like powerful little despots, animals stinking, animals looking dolefully out at the eyes staring in, limbs reaching across each other, people crowding, people bumping other people, talking, incessant talking, camera light flashes like diamonds against glass- the monkey paparazzi, my child running ahead beyond my sight, image of him snatched by pedophile, life changed forever, him climbing rails, image of him mauled by pacing tigers, him pulling at my arms, climbing my legs though he's too big, jumping at me, grabbing me, out of my site again, then in my face, whining, needing, other kids whining, needing, bodies moving in a flow like slow lava down the pathways snaking in and out of exhibitions.
A zoo is a place filled with families which means hundreds of children all running amok with expectations, excitement, sugar, weird parents, snotty noses, banging at the penguins through the glass, leaning over railings, pulling at fences in spite of warnings not to, shrieks of happiness and discovery, shrieks of anger and shrill piercing little voices demanding immediate attention like powerful little despots, animals stinking, animals looking dolefully out at the eyes staring in, limbs reaching across each other, people crowding, people bumping other people, talking, incessant talking, camera light flashes like diamonds against glass- the monkey paparazzi, my child running ahead beyond my sight, image of him snatched by pedophile, life changed forever, him climbing rails, image of him mauled by pacing tigers, him pulling at my arms, climbing my legs though he's too big, jumping at me, grabbing me, out of my site again, then in my face, whining, needing, other kids whining, needing, bodies moving in a flow like slow lava down the pathways snaking in and out of exhibitions.
That's what the PDX Zoo was like for me.
But I have to admit that it is one of the nicest zoos I've ever had to visit.
But I have to admit that it is one of the nicest zoos I've ever had to visit.
I'm not the least bit sorry I went. My guys really enjoyed themselves and it was a rare treat to have me along with them enjoying the adventure. I just wish it didn't cost me so much to do it. I wish I could flip a switch to become a mom who relishes these little journeys and is energized by time spent with her family out in the world. I'm uncomfortable with myself right now because I feel the tendrils of agoraphobia creeping ever so slowly through my nervous system. Wending it's way to my head, like the slow onset of some inevitable disease. Even now, hours after our return home to relative quiet and calm, my heart is racing. I have to concentrate very hard to breath deeply.
People who've been checking with my blog for a long time now may wonder how come there is so much more talk of my anxieties lately. I know that every other post at least touches on it, skirts around it; circles it like a hungry dog. The reason for this is that I am in need of a head adjustment.
I have also begun to suspect that my medications have been decreasing in their effectiveness which is quite typical after five years of service. It's happened to a lot of friends of mine. I don't want to have to change them, because they worked so well, and because I'm afraid of trying new things. New things with possible side effects. What if my head returns to the place it was before medication because the new medication fails to work?
The more I'm feeling my mental inefficiencies the more I need to talk about it. When I'm feeling balanced and normal I don't need to talk about it unless someone else wants to. But lately, it's there all the time. Obviously part of it is because I'm under a lot of stress. But I went through a house fire, Philip's job loss, a broken hip, selling my dream house, an earthquake, and moving to another state where we knew no one at all without feeling quite as unbalanced as I feel right now.
I hope people who know me, know by now that while I need to talk about these things out loud on my blog (and you can all leave whenever you feel like it-the joy of blog reading!) it isn't my way to sit around complaining without trying to DO SOMETHING to make positive changes too. The complaints, the chatter about these issues comes charged with action. Well, for one thing: I am closing my wonderful store because it's not a healthy arrangement for me. That's a huge change. (And obviously there were other motivations for it too.) I made calls to a recommended psychologist last week and failed to get through. I will try again this week.
I often debate whether to share the head stuff. In the end, I do it because this is my journal and this is a huge part of my life. Lately I've been remembering when I was sixteen and made a friend cry from a poem I wrote. I remember thinking that if I had the power to write something that could make someone cry because I made them feel understood, then maybe I could become a good enough writer that I could help someone like me get out of the dark alive. I thought that if I could just help some disenfranchised suicidal teen feel like someone out there actually knows what they're feeling and give them the strength to arrive in their adulthood with a sense of hope, then I would have done something deeply useful.
There's nothing a Capricorn loves more than being useful.
*Yep, there is stuff in my head that I don't think anyone can handle who isn't either just like me or is a trained professional.
People who've been checking with my blog for a long time now may wonder how come there is so much more talk of my anxieties lately. I know that every other post at least touches on it, skirts around it; circles it like a hungry dog. The reason for this is that I am in need of a head adjustment.
I have also begun to suspect that my medications have been decreasing in their effectiveness which is quite typical after five years of service. It's happened to a lot of friends of mine. I don't want to have to change them, because they worked so well, and because I'm afraid of trying new things. New things with possible side effects. What if my head returns to the place it was before medication because the new medication fails to work?
The more I'm feeling my mental inefficiencies the more I need to talk about it. When I'm feeling balanced and normal I don't need to talk about it unless someone else wants to. But lately, it's there all the time. Obviously part of it is because I'm under a lot of stress. But I went through a house fire, Philip's job loss, a broken hip, selling my dream house, an earthquake, and moving to another state where we knew no one at all without feeling quite as unbalanced as I feel right now.
I hope people who know me, know by now that while I need to talk about these things out loud on my blog (and you can all leave whenever you feel like it-the joy of blog reading!) it isn't my way to sit around complaining without trying to DO SOMETHING to make positive changes too. The complaints, the chatter about these issues comes charged with action. Well, for one thing: I am closing my wonderful store because it's not a healthy arrangement for me. That's a huge change. (And obviously there were other motivations for it too.) I made calls to a recommended psychologist last week and failed to get through. I will try again this week.
I often debate whether to share the head stuff. In the end, I do it because this is my journal and this is a huge part of my life. Lately I've been remembering when I was sixteen and made a friend cry from a poem I wrote. I remember thinking that if I had the power to write something that could make someone cry because I made them feel understood, then maybe I could become a good enough writer that I could help someone like me get out of the dark alive. I thought that if I could just help some disenfranchised suicidal teen feel like someone out there actually knows what they're feeling and give them the strength to arrive in their adulthood with a sense of hope, then I would have done something deeply useful.
There's nothing a Capricorn loves more than being useful.
*Yep, there is stuff in my head that I don't think anyone can handle who isn't either just like me or is a trained professional.
Labels: family, mental illness, monkey feces, PDX Zoo