The Fight Is Coming
You know that moment in the movie when the real fight begins-THE FIGHT- the moment when the underdog suddenly kicks ass into gear to change the direction of the ocean's tide and you know it's impossible yet you feel some power in the impossibility as though it is becoming fire in your own veins?
Will you recognize that kick ass moment when it comes to you in your own life? When your most hell defining moment is in front of you and you can either burn in the flames or become hotter and brighter- will you feel it? Will you rise to the moment? Will you fight for your gorgeous denoument or will you let it slip past you like a tepid stare?
I know my real fight is coming but isn't here yet. I'm still invested in the downward spiral. Going down for the hundredth time- knocked out one more time- bruises showing shallowly on my face and hands. Oh yeah baby- black and blue in the ring! My kid and his what-ever-the-fuck has shoved me into the ropes and I'm sweatin' it again. I know we're headed for answers but in the meantime I know I'm no fit mother, I know I'm no fit human, I know I'm getting emptier and emptier handing out everything I've got.
The fight comes after. The fight comes when the answers start illuminating the page. The fight starts when the anger is ingnited beyond any suffocation. The fight starts when there is nothing left to do but claw back up the black hole. I have not come this far to give up, to throw my towel into the sweat pile.
Life should not be this god damned hard. But it is.
This is the moment in the movie when you wonder if it can get any worse for your underdog and it does. She gets fucking fatter, the boy chooses the cheerleader, every bet is off. She's walking raw alleys and she's got coal smudges under her eyes. She's scraping her nails on the bricks and she's got needles in her feet. It's in the ash that she begins to understand what lengths she's willing to go to to win.
Is your moment coming? If you need to feel it- listen to "The Quest" by Bryn Christopher.
I have come to understand tonight that I need to make a series of soundtracks in order to orchestrate what's coming. Because what's coming doesn't know compromise. It doesn't know a middle ground. I know that these muscles need to be made to move until they collapse. I know that everything has to be minimalized to its most elemental components so that no extra crap is hanging off the edges of my crazy.
I've got a lot of crazy.
Oh yeah. You have no idea!
It's why I see the things I do.
I wish I could compile all the songs that share this power- the power of the underdog- the burning rush of life coming fast in technicolor. It's different for each of us. What makes you feel it won't necessarily be the same as what gets me up off the mat. I know I'm going to need to listen to this while walking with rockets on my feet alone. I am starting to believe that every moment I am not working and my kid isn't home will need to be spent walking or doing lunges across my floor to blasting music.
The next few months are going to feel like scraping the barrel of my mind. The next few months are going to feel like skidding on the rocks of my bottom.
But make no mistake: I will rise predictably from the ashes a stronger hero and I will not recognize who I was before. I will shed myself like an amphibian. I will scrape off the underdog veneer and blind the sun.
If you want to know just how low I have to sink, just where my fears live, just what kinds of gravel thoughts I've had today, you're going to have to tell me you need to hear it. You're going to have to tell me that you need it because you are there with me. Otherwise I cannot say the most unsayable, I cannot speak what my rockbottom is whispering in my ear or I will be set outside alone, again, and I will not do it unless you are outside sitting with me in the 30 degree temperatures.
Know yourself. Right now. Know who you are and what you stand for. Know who you are and what you want because you have to know what to fight for if you plan to win. You have to see yourself on the other side. You have to see yourself as though there were two of you.
Scraping my nails on the bricks- it's getting bloody in here.
The fire is burning in my nose- it's getting into my lungs.
I'm only half standing.
How about you?
Now look up to the camera and show me your spirit! Show me your tiger! Show me how you're gonna win against all odds! Show me how you're gonna rise up and kick some fucking ass!
Cause I'm takin' notes now.
Ignite!
Will you recognize that kick ass moment when it comes to you in your own life? When your most hell defining moment is in front of you and you can either burn in the flames or become hotter and brighter- will you feel it? Will you rise to the moment? Will you fight for your gorgeous denoument or will you let it slip past you like a tepid stare?
I know my real fight is coming but isn't here yet. I'm still invested in the downward spiral. Going down for the hundredth time- knocked out one more time- bruises showing shallowly on my face and hands. Oh yeah baby- black and blue in the ring! My kid and his what-ever-the-fuck has shoved me into the ropes and I'm sweatin' it again. I know we're headed for answers but in the meantime I know I'm no fit mother, I know I'm no fit human, I know I'm getting emptier and emptier handing out everything I've got.
The fight comes after. The fight comes when the answers start illuminating the page. The fight starts when the anger is ingnited beyond any suffocation. The fight starts when there is nothing left to do but claw back up the black hole. I have not come this far to give up, to throw my towel into the sweat pile.
Life should not be this god damned hard. But it is.
This is the moment in the movie when you wonder if it can get any worse for your underdog and it does. She gets fucking fatter, the boy chooses the cheerleader, every bet is off. She's walking raw alleys and she's got coal smudges under her eyes. She's scraping her nails on the bricks and she's got needles in her feet. It's in the ash that she begins to understand what lengths she's willing to go to to win.
Is your moment coming? If you need to feel it- listen to "The Quest" by Bryn Christopher.
I have come to understand tonight that I need to make a series of soundtracks in order to orchestrate what's coming. Because what's coming doesn't know compromise. It doesn't know a middle ground. I know that these muscles need to be made to move until they collapse. I know that everything has to be minimalized to its most elemental components so that no extra crap is hanging off the edges of my crazy.
I've got a lot of crazy.
Oh yeah. You have no idea!
It's why I see the things I do.
I wish I could compile all the songs that share this power- the power of the underdog- the burning rush of life coming fast in technicolor. It's different for each of us. What makes you feel it won't necessarily be the same as what gets me up off the mat. I know I'm going to need to listen to this while walking with rockets on my feet alone. I am starting to believe that every moment I am not working and my kid isn't home will need to be spent walking or doing lunges across my floor to blasting music.
The next few months are going to feel like scraping the barrel of my mind. The next few months are going to feel like skidding on the rocks of my bottom.
But make no mistake: I will rise predictably from the ashes a stronger hero and I will not recognize who I was before. I will shed myself like an amphibian. I will scrape off the underdog veneer and blind the sun.
If you want to know just how low I have to sink, just where my fears live, just what kinds of gravel thoughts I've had today, you're going to have to tell me you need to hear it. You're going to have to tell me that you need it because you are there with me. Otherwise I cannot say the most unsayable, I cannot speak what my rockbottom is whispering in my ear or I will be set outside alone, again, and I will not do it unless you are outside sitting with me in the 30 degree temperatures.
Know yourself. Right now. Know who you are and what you stand for. Know who you are and what you want because you have to know what to fight for if you plan to win. You have to see yourself on the other side. You have to see yourself as though there were two of you.
Scraping my nails on the bricks- it's getting bloody in here.
The fire is burning in my nose- it's getting into my lungs.
I'm only half standing.
How about you?
Now look up to the camera and show me your spirit! Show me your tiger! Show me how you're gonna win against all odds! Show me how you're gonna rise up and kick some fucking ass!
Cause I'm takin' notes now.
Ignite!
Comments (15)
I offer my hand to you, my friend. Say the unsayable as I cozy up to rockbottom with you. I have raised three children, nurturing them along the way along with a partner for 23yrs and I did a damn fine job. But now I find I am left with but a shadow of myself. How could I know then that I was saying goodbye, no-more like dumping her ass at the roadside- to the young woman, tall, healthy and fit and throwing the door open for this imposter. Through all the years of being ever so vigilant in meeting the emotional and physical needs of my children, I ignored myself. And now I am facing the Y in the road. Continue on the path of ignoring what I know I should do and meet disease further down the road or vere left and get my ass moving. I have to go left and yet the road looks too long from where I'm starting from.
Posted by Anonymous | January 17, 2009 11:45 PM
Posted on January 17, 2009 23:45
damn it! I forgot to fill the info out...that is no anonymous up there, that's me!!
Posted by Kathy | January 17, 2009 11:47 PM
Posted on January 17, 2009 23:47
You have done better than me, then, Kathy, that you have successfully raised three children. I am struggling not to fuck up one sweet but already mental little guy and I don't know yet how we're all going to make it through.
Finding yourself? You're in there. You're in your own fingerprints. If you listen to your spirit you will hear yourself there. You need to piece yourself together from all that you have been during the years you raised your kids because you are in every choice you've made for them, you are in every turn you've made as a mother, you are there in every moment you lived to raise them. Now that you no longer have to think of them every second of the day you can find yourself if you close your eyes and just see with your spirit. What you want may different than you are used to but there is no ambiguity. You are a woman who has accomplished a mother's journey and has the world wide open in your lap. Feel the pride and paint a brand new picture.
The unsayable is that I should never have had a child. My child should be lucky enough to have sane parents, but he doesn't. The unsayable is that I have no energy left to navigate my child's needs and it crushes my heart into an airless chamber of blood and I am suffocating. I would die for him but I cannot be sane for him because I'm just not sane. It takes so much energy just to function myself, having to function with a son who needs more than most kids need leaves me with nothing every morning. You can only go so long with a deficit like that.
That is all I can reveal right now of the unsayable. Each step hurts so bad.
Posted by Angelina | January 18, 2009 12:19 AM
Posted on January 18, 2009 00:19
I am with you, trying so f*cking hard to keep it together. It is literally breath by breath these days. That is all I have to give you right now.
-tonia
Posted by Tonia | January 18, 2009 8:36 AM
Posted on January 18, 2009 08:36
Angelina, you are an amazingly self-aware person. There aren't many of us like that in the world. You are kind deep from within (don't fight me on that, I know it's true). But we are all human. We all must preserve ourselves. We all must do what we think is best, what we think is right above all else. Fight on if you must, but also think about changing the fight. Altering the rules, or the location, or some other element so that you can survive and keep your mind and heart with you. I don't have much to give you either, but you know that several of us are here, listening. And we hear your words, we hear your heart. We understand what you are saying. Be strong, and be you.
Posted by Melinda | January 18, 2009 8:49 AM
Posted on January 18, 2009 08:49
"I'm only half standing
How about you?"
I am prone. In the mud. And it's raining.
Posted by Blaize | January 18, 2009 10:36 AM
Posted on January 18, 2009 10:36
Angelina
I can hear the fear, the pain in your words but I also hear the hope and the future in them. You are truly amazing...how you can put your feelings into words and make others feel them so deeply. I could hurt right along with reading them...but I can also soar with you too.
I know you have a long hard journey in front of you...it begins with the first step and just keep stepping. You will do what you can for Max and he will be better for it. It is hard to always be giving when you have nothing left to give.
Kathy made a statement that hit so true...after raising children what is left of us and where do we go. (Or something to that effect) I am there too. The grandchildren will soon not need me either and then who am I? Where do I go from here? And you came right back to shore her up, to encourage her. If you can do it for others you can do it for YOU! I know you can.
Robin
Posted by Robin | January 18, 2009 10:36 AM
Posted on January 18, 2009 10:36
Fight Fight Fight. I know where you are and I know where you hope to go. I'm pulling for you, baby! I'm a fighter, too. And I think I have a big one coming as well (or at least I hope I do, I need a change). What hasn't become clear for me yet, is the image of the "me" on other side. But it will ... hopefully soon.
Your post brought the lyrics of The Cure's Fight to mind. Not every line is appropriate, but dear Robert seems to know where you're coming from, too. When I read "Remember you can fill up the sky" I feel a lightness fill up my chest, a hopefulness. Is it a cliche to find inspiration in a Cure song? Maybe. But, what do I care? :)
Sometimes there's nothing to feel
Sometimes there's nothing to hold
Sometimes there's no time to run away
Sometimes you just feel so old
The times it hurts when you cry
The times it hurts just to breathe
And then it all seems like there's no-one left
And all you want is to sleep
Fight fight fight
Just push it away
Fight fight fight
Just push until it breaks
Fight fight fight
Don't cry at the pain
Fight fight fight
Or watch yourself burn again
Fight fight fight
Don't howl like a dog
Fight fight
Just fill up the sky
Fight fight fight
Fight til you drop
Fight fight fight
And never never
Never stop
Fight fight fight
Fight fight fight
So when the hurting starts
And when the nightmares begin
Remember you can fill up the sky
You don't have to give in
You don't have to give in
Never give in
Never give in
Never give in
Posted by futuregirl | January 18, 2009 10:45 AM
Posted on January 18, 2009 10:45
Nope, there is no better than you. Don't believe for one moment I haven't struggled with fucking up my kids. That is always there. I'm sure as the sky that I did many, many things wrong, who hasn't? No one, that's who. We want the best for our kid(s) but my best isn't your best nor is it their best. I hear you, that you don't know if you are enough for him, if you can finish the child-rearing task. Honestly I do. Do you remember that post you wrote not long ago and I commented that we all need to share our obstacles(and I'm not talking about lame ass trivial shit like "Johnny won't drink his milk" shit) as mothers so we're not left to feeling as if we're the only one in unchartered waters raising a kid? This is precisely why. Because you are not the only mother who is faced with the uncertainties you have. Yours are real and may seem to be too big to survive under but please let me assure you that it can be done, by you. My oldest has ADD and it may seem trite in comparison but he was isolated from his peers for many years because he was different and kids are fucking mean! There were days I didn't think I could find the stamina to keep going. When he was 5yrs old and I came home one evening to find that under the "watchful eye" of his father, NOT!, he had gone into my closet and cut up a lot of my clothes and managed to cut the tongue of my new running shoes. Think he was pissed? Think he was needing some attention from me? Damn straight. He told me the only way he knew how and I heard him. But shouldn't I have heard him before it reached that point? That is not a story I've shared with anyone when he was young because I would have been looked at like I had 12 heads. Now I'd just tell whomever to fuck off. But had there been an environment of support and not a competition of who can have the highest achieving kid, etc perhaps I could have found someone else going through struggles. Chances are high I would have. What was I thinking having 3 kids all a year apart-Irish twins. If I had only had him would I have been able to give him more of what he needed? I don't know but what if??? Would he......and the list goes on and on. This is turning into about me and I don't want that. What I do want is to give you some offering of encouragement, some source of support, regardless of how serious the problem may be. You are already everything your son needs. Just show up, every day, being present in his emotional life as well as physical and you will succeed...you will both make it through.
Posted by Kathy | January 18, 2009 11:43 AM
Posted on January 18, 2009 11:43
Angelina, I would love to tell you my personal story of rising out of the ashes of hell, but am a little reluctant to share it here. What does that say about me? I read about your struggles but am not willing to share mine with everyone. Whatever it means, I'm not ready to tell everyone, only you. If you are interested, email me. Maybe it could help you. Who knows.
Posted by Diane | January 19, 2009 8:51 AM
Posted on January 19, 2009 08:51
You are all so awesome!
Does anyone else hear the "Rocky" theme song playing in my head right now?
Don't anyone be offended with me- I'm not going to respond individually at the moment because I need to take a shower and get some exercise.
I feel very supported by you all.
Thank you!
Posted by Angelina | January 19, 2009 11:17 AM
Posted on January 19, 2009 11:17
Umm, I really only ever had one personal tiger (yes, there's that I am 3/4 deaf, but there are gadgets to help me with that, and there's the autistic kid, but that's more his fight than mine, and he's handling it with grace).
My personal tiger is that when I was born, I found myself in a boy's body, which was no earthly use to me.
I whipped my tiger pretty good, and am now approaching sixty after five good years as me.
risa b
Well, you did ask.
Posted by risa b | January 21, 2009 1:13 PM
Posted on January 21, 2009 13:13
Risa- What I meant by tiger is to show me your strength- however it is obvious to me that you have quite a lot of it. It might sound ridiculous but I think I understand completely what it must have felt like to live in the wrong body for most of your life and I'm so happy that you have now had the opportunity to live in harmony with your spirit and body. Shit, you've been through a lot! It sounds to me like your big fight is finished and you are able to look back now from the other side. That is an amazing place to be in life!
Posted by angelina | January 22, 2009 8:24 AM
Posted on January 22, 2009 08:24
Yes, and I was hoping that this might shed some light on strength.
People keep saying, "oh, you're so brave."
And part of me believes them, and part of me thinks they don't get it, and I want to explain so that they will understand not just me, better, but also themselves, so they can access their own strength instead of putting it out way there, in someone else.
So I say, "Honey, courage is just -- when the house lights come on, and your audience is out there, you happen to be having a good hair day."
Every second of doing well in a situation is its own eternity and need not be compared to those other times. That make any sense? I dunno -- works for me.
Posted by reezlebee | January 29, 2009 8:42 AM
Posted on January 29, 2009 08:42
This is about 4 of your posts I've read since stumbling across your blog... I googled "what to do at the gym today". What an inspiring post - I felt my pulse increase. You're a great writer and this post in particular said some things I can relate to - or hope to become... my own hero ready to take control of the long list of failures and turn it around.
Posted by Katie | March 27, 2009 9:14 AM
Posted on March 27, 2009 09:14