The Neccessity For Diabolical Lying

I have no way with words--I say one thing and people hear often the opposite of what I'd been trying to say. That having been said, my struggle against self loathing and chaos has often boiled down to forcing myself to do one non-routine "productive" and/or positive thing--I started with cleaning off a table, doing a load of laundry, filing my nails, etc. Even to myself I thought it was a bit pathetic how I clung to the small spark of positive energy it gave me being able to say at the end of the day, week, weekend that I had accomplished "x"--even if "x" was a load of wash or pulling a couple weeds. Gradually some of the non-routine items lost a bit of their despair-inducing panic, and though my house and life are still messy and chaotic, that little bit of control I take (even if it's just putting away some books) has helped. Some days I accomplish more, some days it's a victory hanging my clothes up--I still get overwhelmed and ashamed and struggle to focus on a small controllable item. But there you have it--my clumsy perspective on things in my life that relate/ resonate with what you've written. I'm not writing this to give advice, just trying to say there's someone else out there in ill-fitting skin.

I wish I had some profound words of wisdom. All I can say is that I care about you and wish I could say or do something to help you realize what a beautiful and valuable person you are.

Angelina,

I have fifteen minutes before I leave for work and I am still in funky old sweats and teeth unbrushed and no idea what I am wearing today. You have me in tears, I have so many things to say in response to your posting. The main thing is you are so not alone in feeling alone! I am going to have leave it at that but I will email you soon. I have to herd my thoughts into some semblance of coherency.

I don't know what to say to you but I feel like I should at least tell you that I'm still here, I completely understand parts of what you're feeling (but not everything and thats okay),You haven't scared me away, and I'm not going to get all quiet as you predicted some would. And believe it or not, I do care what happens to you.

You write much truth, even if it is melodramatic (ducking, just kidding).

You're not alone. Really. I hope things turn around.

I've only read half your post so far but wanted to comment straight away to say even though I don't know you and only read your blog, if you were going to jump off a bridge I would care. I dont have your way with words and would not presume to understand the place you are in, but I would come if I knew, because life is all we have . Sorry if I'm soppy, you never are, only true.

Hi, Angelina,

I read your words and I understand them so profoundly and intimately. I think that I even understand some of what is going on between and behind the words, and I know how deep that stuff goes. How deep it hurts.

Do what you need to do, but keep the screen door open for those of us who love you - no matter what socially awkward or potentially hurtful things you might say.

"most prolific unpublished writer of our genereation" -a beautiful aspiration, Angelina.

Shutting down the noise is a good place to start. The social mediums take so much from us and they eventually begin to take over.

I found some property in upstate New York, 99acres with a house and two enormous barns, and one silo. The recluse in me wants to move up there, grow food and knit for the rest of my life. And the price....$109,000!!! I'd give you 5 acres completely on the other side and we could meet in the middle when we wanted some social interaction and exercise!

I don't ever want to lose you. For now, online is the only source I have for connecting with you but I will look for you should you go missing!

Your blog is the first one I look for every day; your truth, while not the same as mine, is so resonant that I imagine myself less alone somehow. The part where you said "it takes people a long time to start missing me..." that one I know in my bones. I mostly don't even acknowledge my loneliness even to myself, lying even to myself that I am okay and happy when I am not. Someone told me that I was the most positive person they knew and all I could think was boy are you fooled.

I cannot say that I know you, we have never met in person. I can say that I am slowly getting to know the online you, and I would miss you A LOT if you were to be gone. I would notice. When there is no post from you that day, I think to myself - Angelina must be busy, or having a bad difficult day, or (hopefully) is so busy with her writing that she did not have time for a blog post also...

If you were going to jump off a bridge I would stop and try to talk you back. We are all terribly alone here. I cherish the little glimmers that remind me we are all terribly alone here - together.

I wanted to write a comment about your previous post, yesterday, but I have been sick. I never knew that extreme grief and too much crying would make the body physically sick. My coughing is so bad that people move away from me when I am waiting for the bus. Not to mention the tears falling falling from my eyes. Not normal is how I am, though not usually so obvious to the eye.

Oh dear, so sorry, I don't know how that happened! meant to post my comment and somehow it posted twice...

Well, you didn't alienate me. Dialog is not alienating. In fact, despite an incongruence in our interpretation of one particular situation, i wrote about happenstance/feelings that are somewhat similar. And I value that you're writing to no one in particular. But does that mean that no one in particular should never reply? In fact, wouldn't you say that replying, sending a lengthy message, is caring? Of course I care. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I really am.

Well, I don't have your gift for profoundness (profoundity? I like that better), so I'll just give you a hug and step back and let you soak in what you need to soak in right now.

You've given yourself great advice - put yourself first. Take care of you. :)

Oh Angelina, I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I know that I am part of your isolation issue here in town, but I don't see a way around that.

I do care about you. I will miss your random FB thoughts and I certainly would care if you jumped off a bridge. Heck, I've brought you nourishing things when you were feeling sick or down.

I think there are many, many people who care about you, even if you hide the truth from us to protect us, come up with random comments or questions or want to crawl under the table in social situations, because that is who you are and real friends accept friends with their limitations, gifts, quirks and illnesses.

Wait, you have faceplant? Why aren't we "friends"? And why can't I find you?

Thanks for all the lovely comments! I do appreciate them quite a lot and so many of us have gotten to know each other well here and on your own blogs and it does help me to not feel as alone.

April- sometimes I accidentally invite dialogs that really can't solve anything and the last time I accidentally opened one up I ended up being way more hurt than I started out in finding out a friend's true opinion of Max. That will now always be between us. So sometimes I think it is more destructive than helpful. I had previously carefully avoided opening this dialog because I don't relish finding out precisely what more people around me think of my child- mostly because I have a pretty good idea and what good will it do me to confirm such negativity? It didn't help the last time. But often when I get really deep into the mire of depression I become reckless with what I invite and also less careful about how other people might feel by what I say. It's been a while since the last time I did this, I suppose it was just time.

Just kidding. Who needs another social network? I have faceplant, but I'm not sure what it's for. Still, I would have loved to read your note and not been offended.

I like what you said about newspapers. I don't read or watch the news often because it gives me anxiety and information overload. I don't read many blogs or websites. Even though I'm a tech person, I prefer to read books. Real and true, paper and soul.

I will read your book if you will allow us that. I promise.

We went to dinner with a friend and his teenage son recently. During dinner, the conversation became serious and our friend said that many nights he would have blow his own head off if it wasn't for his son. It was real and it was true and it didn't alienate us from him. I think it made us all more open, even though it was far from pleasant. I reflected that night that we all needed each other. In a way, he gave us something by his admission. And we tried to give him something back with our friendship and love.

St. Blaize- I have temporarily disabled my FB- I never think about finding people on there cause in the beginning I kept trying to locate people and I never could use the whole FB find friends thing. So I gave up. But if and when I do join back to facebook I will look for you, ok?

Lisa- yes, well, we're trying aren't we? And I have always appreciated your nourishing gifts! There's no fixing what can't be fixed. Which is why my note was making me cry, because I realized that this situation, my loneliness here is just something I'm going to have to learn to live with. I can't bring Max to places where he isn't liked because it hurts him as much as it hurts me. I don't know what it is about this town, in spite of him being who he is, he was quite liked in Santa Rosa. Part of that may have been the greater number of boys his age we lived around.

I've looked at Facebook but can't bring myself to do it because I don't really want to connect with all those people I left behind whenever I moved on and started a new life. I don't want to catch up with people who didn't exist for me the first time around.

We I-types don't need a lot of chatty acquaintances. We need a few intensely meaningful relationships.

I also find that I'm contracting my online social networks. I rarely post to my blog and when I do I don't interact much with my commenters. I glance at Twitter but really interact with only half a dozen people there. I haven't even answered the once-a-year well wishes that piled up in my email inbox on my birthday last month.

Like you I feel the conflicting needs to shut out all that chatter while wishing for something or someone to break through my isolation. I think that for people like us (and I know we are very different...but there are some similarities), relationships are draining. Thus, unless they are deep and true, they are more trouble than they're worth. We long for the deep understanding a stalwart friends...but the E-type idea of friendship is not ours. E-types seem content with buddies and chatter and just the noise of humanity. We want more.

I'm used to these feelings now. They come in waves. I don't try to predict them anymore or figure out what I did wrong or what the other person did wrong. I just accept them and try to ride them out...like when I get a cold or have a headache. I stay away from people and I try to sort things out physically (housework or filing or any kind of straightening up that gives me a sense of control).

Having a glass of wine and watching Richard Armitage videos also sometimes helps. :-)

I am without words for you...want you to know I would miss you...I check several times a day if you haven't posted in the AM. Know that I am reading even if I don't post. Everything I try to write sounds so trivial...so will leave it at this...I know you are hurting and I hope you will do what it takes to protect yourself.
Robin

I was wondering what in the hell happened to you. See, I came looking for you to tell you you were being melodramatic so you could tell me to fuck off! Message me when you are back on FB. xo

love your closing line.

I think you are onto something. Alone is real. No offense to those who comment that you're not alone, but I think that's emotional wishful thinking. We all are alone with our feelings and experiences. Every minute. Some of us are better at being alone with others...and some of us can't do it much at all because the others loneliness seeps into us and we can't process it. Or if not loneliness, then anger, fear, hope, need, desire, anxiety...whatever it is. When you're empathic it's a constant effort to not absorb everything from everyone. Your volume is cranked up extra high... to 11... with the other mental health issues you have going on.

all this to say I think you're wise to scale it down and pull it back in. you're doing deep work, lady. cut yourself a little bit of slack and know that while yes, ultimately, we're alone...we're also really loved. Sending you metric tons of love and hoping a bunch of boys move into the neighborhood, but soon.

also... you might get something from reading my friend Kate's blog

http://datinggod.typepad.com/datinggod/

she's balls out just cutting herself free and doing it alone and really facing what that means. there may be some resonance there for you and maybe some bits that will help you look more inward...

xoxoxoxoxo

k

Honestly at the deepest levels my experience is that we are all ultimately alone. Some people hide it well, others simply don't recognise there is a section of life beyond the superficial, that doesn't mean we can't have connections. They can give us a wonderfully alternate perspective on things at times.

The great thing is those connections are within our control.. if they are feeding the bad or draining us they can be cut, if they are giving us energy or inspiration we can for a time choose to shelter within them a bit more.

I accepted early on that no one was ever going to truly understand "who I am". I mostly come across as competent, confident and untouchable through no specific effort of my own. I have come to accept it sets people back significantly if I contradict those ideas with my words. That doesn't mean I don't express those ideas, it does mean that I expect some level of taken aback/shock and recovery have to occur when I do.

Kind Regards
Belinda

If you do go Angelina, I would miss you. And even tho' you don't believe, I offer prayers for you -- because............

Wow! I made a flippant remark to you on facebook regarding something you had pulled, thinking it was something someone over sensitive had complained about... I'll miss you there... It seemed like you were really enjoying it! I have 51 "friends" and am wishing I hadn't "allowed" quite so many, as it is impossible to keep up on a daily basis. I really only check on about 8 people every day - you being one of them. It's been good for me, because I am so lonely most of the time...since you left Santa Rosa, there is no one but Jeannie and Lynette that I can drop in on - everyone here is so reclusive. Of course it doesn't help to be poor and depressed and not happy - not too many people want to drop in on my household! Make sure to visit me - call if you need to!

Well, you know what I think about Max - always have been upfront in my enjoyment of him, his opinions, his take on life and his quirks. This whole kid thing can really mess up friendships, though. I know as a kid I ruined a friendship for my parents 'cause I hated that family's kids. Today I had lunch with friends from Los Angeles. They are here for the weekend. Their kids are 8 and 13, and I realized as we sat at a restaurant, listening to the boys nonstop sass & rude remarks and dirty mouth and watching the girl's sullen, obnoxious behavior, that if they still lived in the Bay Area and I could see them more, that we probably wouldn't be able to be friends - their children were that unpleasant to be around! Then again, maybe I'd be immune if I had more contact w/them!

Hey Lucille! Well, I was super happy to see you on Face Book and I do really enjoy it, and truthfully I will probably be back on it in a day or two. I needed to take a little break. I was just leaking my crazy too much and it makes me feel really vulnerable. But yes, I wrote a note about my loneliness here- I mean I do have some fantastic friends here who feed my mind but they all work, or are a town away, and so I don't see them often. I miss having lots of kids for Max to drop in on without a formal appointment and without it being such a sticky situation. Most people in the JC liked Max even though he's a tough he's not easy going.

Anyway, I miss you and I wish you didn't feel there what I feel here. Seriously, I really do love Face book. So please don't go- give me a chance to just catch my breath. I really love being able to drop random notes on you and see your funny quizzes that I always fail. I will be seeing you in a month! And I will call in a couple of weeks to make FIRM plans. OK? thanks for checking in here.

I really appreciate that you've all taken time to say such encouraging and thoughtful things to me. I think that it's perfectly fine that we all don't have the exact same experiences or completely understand each other- the important thing is to continue to try, to continue to reach out and even if we make a bit of a hash of things, be willing to forgive each of our stumblings and be compassionate. I'm sending you all big hugs and kisses in return!

I have never posted before.

Thank you for sharing your life on your blog.

I do not feel quite so alone with my battles when I have read it.

I am going to miss your posts.

Natasha- I'm still posting here! I can't leave this blog. I have to write here. It's truly my "online journal" and I get so much worse when I don't post here- so please don't go. It makes me feel really good to know that talking about my life makes you feel less alone because that means I don't lay myself wide open for nothing. Thank you for commenting tonight!

We are very similar in how interacting with people makes us feel ... online and in person. I recently culled my feed reader down to the bare bare bones, too, but I still occasionally click around on my own site's link list and afterwards I feel like stabbing myself in the eyes with forks. It still sorta shocks me that I have a blog at all, but there's something I get from blogging that feeds me just enough to make all the ugh worth it.

I also agree that people want you to lie to them. But mostly I think they just ignore everyone else. I think most people who ask me what I did over the weekend wouldn't notice if I answered, "I sacrificed babies on an alter then bathed in their blood." People just don't listen.

Also, I dream of being a recluse. For real. Hidden forever away from everyone. The thought of living in a little house in the woods until my old age when I die in bed under a quilt I made with my own two hands and no one ever knows or even finds my body ... that thought calms me like no other. Maybe someday ...

Alice- the recluse dream has always been a part of me but I am a person of deep contrasts and I also have a hunger for connection with other people. So my soul craves complete quiet and solitude, but my heart craves touch and connection. I also have a constant fantasy of being truly mute. Sometimes I dream of taking a vow of silence (STOP LAUGHING!) and sometimes I simply have no tongue with which to speak.

But wouldn't Andrew share this sequestered place with you? Because I also know how much you love him and I can't imagine him not being under that quilt with you. (Uh, I'm not thinking dirty thoughts here, geeze.)

Sending big hugs your way filled with supporting non judgy love.. xo

I just had to say that I check in with you daily and always hope you are having a good day. I understand the reclusive thing, I do it myself. I tend to be overly honest, and you are so right about people wanting to be lied to. They don't know how to handle the realness that some people have the need to express. I have exactly two people, other than my family who I am my true, brutely honest self with. I love your blog because I see how honest you are. I hope someday to see your book in print, I will buy it immediately. I enjoy your wit and your view on things, I will truly miss reading your blog. Best wishes to you and your family. kim

I am so sorry you are hurting. I don't know people act like life is easy. It isn't.

(You CAN change it. When you are ready.)

"People are."

Something about your words always brings me back - I've lurked here long enough to see some ups, some downs, and I find enormous comfort in reading your posts. We're only human, each and every one of us, and try as I might to rely on that fact as a good thing, it shakes me to my core too...

Thank you, as always, for sharing your experiences with such complete honesty. You challenge me to read with an open heart, and I'm looking forward to more!

Oh, yes, Andrew would be in my crazy lady in the woods cabin, but he doesn't count as "people" because spending time with him doesn't do the same things to me that spending time with other people does.

Although I still like spending time completely alone once in a while. Completely. Alone. ... sigh ... :)

I'm glad you've got your garden to dig around in. What a wonderful respite. And delicious!

Hi, I am not very good with words and this is my second language so this may come out wrong.
We are very different as people but I am also capable of silencing a room full of people and making them uncomfortable by saying the wrong (or right?) thing. And then there are all the occasions when I find out they think me naive because their sarcasm detector isn't working properly, and consequently they treat me as child.
What I am trying to say is that I love reading your blog, no matter what you choose to say, and I think you're awesome and brave.
Your writing style is bold, poetic, and you speak of things few people would be brave enough to tell their friends, and you tell them to the internet.
I read via bloglines, so I don't leave comments here, but you have my attention for whatever you wish to say.

Marijana- thank you so much for your encouragement and your sweet comments. People can't always tell when I'm joking either- but it must be even more difficult when it happens in a second language! Maybe we silence rooms and it creates vivid memories for those people we surprise and perhaps sometimes it even gives them a new direction for their thoughts? I like to think that sometimes. thanks for reading my blog, being heard is so important! I'm also very happy that you chose to comment this time.