Bring Gloves Back!

There are many styles and fads that I think are best cleaned out of everyone's closets and donated to the museum of sartorial suicides.  It is surprising how many of these very fads have found their way back onto the bodies of actual human beings.  A few of my favorite are:

Fur vests- which have made a resurgence just in the past year.  I had hoped we were done with fur at last but apparently we're not only NOT done with it, but we're enjoying wearing a "textile" whose only true excuse is its ability to keep us snug against 30 below temps- but we're leaving the sleeves off because- who needs 'em?  That so cute, like wearing bikinis in the snow. 

Buckle-y strappy shapeless floppy leather purses- I don't understand why women like these when they could be toting something streamlined and elegant like the classic "Kelly" purse.  The thing that came to mind first when trying to describe what those floppy bags make me think of was "giant buffalo ball sacks" but with buckles and straps.  Yeah, well, nothing else has ever made me think of a buffalo's equipment so there must be something in it.

Bowl hair cuts- I don't care how cute you are, a bowl cut can only subtract from your attraction and since you're probably an ironic dresser if you are under 40 and trying to pull this hairstyle off you probably think your cool factor will add points back.  Sorry.  Irony is often just as unattractive as it feels when we experience in our lives. 

Skintight pants- You know what these do to most asses?  Smashes 'em flat.  You know what these do to most curves?  Pushes them up above your waistband where they muffin out.  I have wanted my body to be able to do many things but I have never desired it to "muffin out". 


Send them to the archives!!  Right now!  Off with these nightmare styles.

(I am about to please only myself and the late Queen Mother) 

You know what style hasn't yet resurfaced since it lost favor in the 1960's?


Gloves for wearing all the time in public.  Gloves are a sweet way of avoiding making flesh contact with unsavory people you get introduced to, they protect your skin from all weather, and they add a certain charm to most ensembles as they can be adapted to all different types of styles: sporty, masculine, elegant, wild, detailed, splashy, earthy, or stuck up the ass.  Gloves are so versatile.

I no longer wear them myself but I once had a collection of vintage gloves that was impressive.  My main argument with them is that if you wear them out all the time they get grimy.  It was one of those early clues that perhaps I am not half the lady that ladies used to be.  Or that cities are twice as dirty now.  Both are probably true.  The problem was that I could never get them clean.  I tried hand washing with soap.  I also tried using gentle bleach.  I also tried scrubbing and rubbing them together.  Eventually I gave up.  So if any glove wearing ladies out there know the secret to cleaning vintage gloves please share it with me!

I have patterns for making gloves but have never even tried because I'm so scared to find that they are impossible.  Plus- where would one procure the proper thin felt for them?  When I graduate from the Starlet Academy* I would like to wear gloves again. 

Why not wear them now?  I was thinking that that kind of flourish would be ridiculous on a woman of my size but I suppose there comes a point of no return with one's ridiculousness anyway and if you're already out there trying to balance a fat ass on a thin branch of sartorial credibility what difference does it make if you top it all off with gloves?  My gloves could be so amazing that no one even sees me at all for being transfixed by my incredible hands.

I'm thinking of vintage buttons and birds flying off the cuff....

....oh that's a nice reverie.

The pictures above are scanned from a great book my friend Lisa E's mom gave to me.  Andrea thought I would be just the person to appreciate it.  It's called "Dress" by Bess V. Oerke (1956)and is a book about dressing well.  It is such a superb  reference for those of us who never wear cave-man style fur vests.

What I did today to enhance my beautitude:

I did 20 deep lunges
I ate healthy food
I drank plenty of water
I am about to go to sleep
And I haven't had beer
But I have had a couple glasses of wine




*I might well be eighty by that time.