Core Beliefs About Being Fat
Core beliefs are very hard to shake off. Doing some more honest examining of my feelings about being really overweight makes me feel it is time to disclose the true source of my shame and my constant desire to hide under a rock of no great distinction so that no one will ever find me again: I have a core belief that my family and my friends think I am disgusting, hideous, and embarrassing now that I'm fat. I believe that they can't take me seriously, that they don't understand how hard I'm trying to make changes in my life that will support a healthier collection of daily habits.
I believe that they will only be generous with their affection for me at this size if they truly believe it is a temporary situation. I believe that if I were to just be happy with how I am, how I look at this size, and to get colorful and appear to be satisfied with myself as I am my friends and family will not respect me and will be deeply disappointed in me.
The thing about core beliefs is that they aren't always logical and they aren't always reflective of the truth. Mine reflect a deep fear of disappointing the people I care about. I was born with this deep fear. I don't remember ever being without it. I don't take a poor attitude about other large sized people and I don't believe I ever have. Sometimes I have observed obese people and thought they looked terribly uncomfortable and I know that I have always been aware that being fat is not ideal and can be severely unhealthy. Yet I have not been guilty of not taking someone seriously because they had a giant belly or bulging thighs. I have only been disgusted with people for poor hygiene which isn't something restricted to large people. I can't say how many times I have seen thin people who were real sad sacks when it comes to cleanliness and general personal care.Whether you are thick or thin, short or tall...greasy untrimmed hair is NEVER A PRETTY SIGHT.
So why do I believe that my friends and relatives will be so disappointed in me?
What must be grappled with here is how to change the core beliefs that are so harmful to my progress and growth. I have grappled with others and changed them. I know it's possible.
Meanwhile I managed to ride my bicycle a total of 6 miles yesterday to go see if there were any decent tomato plants at Bi-mart. There were not. I got pelted with rain, got a coffee downtown with Philip, didn't get a pastry, didn't drink beer for a second night in a row.
The only two things I wasn't happy about yesterday was that as soon as I was done with work I went downstairs and ransacked Max's candy eating about 15 or 20 Jr. Mints. What good is it to not drink beer if I'm going to eat candy instead? The other thing I did was buy a book on impulse when I was picking up a book I ordered for Max called "The Survival Guide For Kids With ADD Or ADHD" (which was mostly covered by a credit we had at the bookstore). I was immediately mad at myself because even though yesterday was payday, we don't have the income for impulse buys like this and there wasn't anything in the book that I really don't already have in other garden books.
I can't undo the candy scarfing. (Of course, it could have been worse. Do you know what was in the candy cabinet?!*) But I begged Philip to return the book for me. I have a dread of returning things, as I have mentioned before, and often once something is bought it stays with me whether it was an awful mistake or not. He's such a gentleman!! He's going to return the book for me. Impulse shame is gone!
So about the clothes. The pictures above are some patterns I am considering. Remember last year at almost exactly this same time I was planning to sew that lovely swing coat
You probably forgot about that.
The living room redecorating project is probably more fresh in your mind.
The shabby aspects of my furniture are still not chic.
But I will not despair! I believe I will do this shirty project. I need to.
I am the modern day version of Miss Marple and can't afford to be shabby or unkempt. I will put on make up today even though it may all wash off when I ride my bicycle to Wilco to search for more tomato plants (they are supposed to get a delivery today) and I will cut out one shirt.
I'm still playing with the idea of girdles. They're kind of cute and if they're the real deal they are stiffer than a corpse and can help support one's back.
I should probably do some push-ups and sit ups using my fit ball for support. I need to work on the torso area if I want a waist back. I believe I would feel worlds better if only the belly could be reduced so that my boobs would appear to stick out more than my torso. This would reduce my likeness to Alfred Hitchcock's profile. If Pam has the gumption to be working out on her treadmill, isn't that the least I can do for myself?
Well, if I'm going to make good on all these promises to myself then I had best get my beached ass out of this chair and moving.
*Rieces Pieces! Shhhhh...maybe I'll forget about them and Max will eat them all for dessert and temptation will be gone.**
**I say this while planning on learning to make pies with my vast store of frozen sour cherries and blueberries. Lordy. The world is a temple of tasty potential!
What must be grappled with here is how to change the core beliefs that are so harmful to my progress and growth. I have grappled with others and changed them. I know it's possible.
Meanwhile I managed to ride my bicycle a total of 6 miles yesterday to go see if there were any decent tomato plants at Bi-mart. There were not. I got pelted with rain, got a coffee downtown with Philip, didn't get a pastry, didn't drink beer for a second night in a row.
The only two things I wasn't happy about yesterday was that as soon as I was done with work I went downstairs and ransacked Max's candy eating about 15 or 20 Jr. Mints. What good is it to not drink beer if I'm going to eat candy instead? The other thing I did was buy a book on impulse when I was picking up a book I ordered for Max called "The Survival Guide For Kids With ADD Or ADHD" (which was mostly covered by a credit we had at the bookstore). I was immediately mad at myself because even though yesterday was payday, we don't have the income for impulse buys like this and there wasn't anything in the book that I really don't already have in other garden books.
I can't undo the candy scarfing. (Of course, it could have been worse. Do you know what was in the candy cabinet?!*) But I begged Philip to return the book for me. I have a dread of returning things, as I have mentioned before, and often once something is bought it stays with me whether it was an awful mistake or not. He's such a gentleman!! He's going to return the book for me. Impulse shame is gone!
So about the clothes. The pictures above are some patterns I am considering. Remember last year at almost exactly this same time I was planning to sew that lovely swing coat
You probably forgot about that.
The living room redecorating project is probably more fresh in your mind.
The shabby aspects of my furniture are still not chic.
But I will not despair! I believe I will do this shirty project. I need to.
I am the modern day version of Miss Marple and can't afford to be shabby or unkempt. I will put on make up today even though it may all wash off when I ride my bicycle to Wilco to search for more tomato plants (they are supposed to get a delivery today) and I will cut out one shirt.
I'm still playing with the idea of girdles. They're kind of cute and if they're the real deal they are stiffer than a corpse and can help support one's back.
I should probably do some push-ups and sit ups using my fit ball for support. I need to work on the torso area if I want a waist back. I believe I would feel worlds better if only the belly could be reduced so that my boobs would appear to stick out more than my torso. This would reduce my likeness to Alfred Hitchcock's profile. If Pam has the gumption to be working out on her treadmill, isn't that the least I can do for myself?
Well, if I'm going to make good on all these promises to myself then I had best get my beached ass out of this chair and moving.
*Rieces Pieces! Shhhhh...maybe I'll forget about them and Max will eat them all for dessert and temptation will be gone.**
**I say this while planning on learning to make pies with my vast store of frozen sour cherries and blueberries. Lordy. The world is a temple of tasty potential!
Comments (14)
Reeses Pieces! Oh my hell (as Capello would say). I would have gone for those over the Junior Mints in. a. heartbeat. Those things are evilly delicious.
Posted by MichelleB | April 29, 2009 1:28 PM
Posted on April 29, 2009 13:28
This morning I got on the scale and it read 230 pounds. I promptly went and ate half a bag of Cheetos because all I could hear was the sound of despair inside my head.
(I am, for the record, 5'6". Hello, I stress eat! I comfort eat! But, too, I really just like to eat! Food is yummy and makes me feel good and special and loved!)
Then, scarfing Cheetos, I started thinking about all the ways my life sucks at the moment and how many things I need - not just want - to change.
And then I got so overwhelmed that I just sat and cried because I'm very clearly a disappointment to everyone around me... so I ate the rest of the Cheetos. I am still no closer to solving my problems and now my fingers are orange.
But you just gave me a little tiny glimmer of hope. Thank you.
Posted by Violet | April 29, 2009 1:48 PM
Posted on April 29, 2009 13:48
Howdy, Angelina - Just wanted to pop in and cheer you on. I know this is super INCREDIBLY hard stuff you're dealing with. Not just the weight itself, but all that mental baggage that comes along with it. I think you're awesome and I totally believe in you. If I were there in person, I'd do a specially choreographed cheerleading routine for you. :)
So...yay! Go you.
Posted by EmmaC | April 29, 2009 2:02 PM
Posted on April 29, 2009 14:02
Oh, I forgot to mention that I really like the dress you have circled in the top photo. Super flattering for lots of body types. I also love the green fabric.
Posted by EmmaC | April 29, 2009 2:03 PM
Posted on April 29, 2009 14:03
I've written and backspaced 4 times now...but Violet, you rock! Violet has just said what I tried to but couldn't. At 5'10" I am carrying far too much weight and my body is now creaking because of it. And that top with the fluted sleeves worn by the gorgeous, curly haired woman is so me...care to give me the pattern number?
Posted by Kathy | April 29, 2009 2:56 PM
Posted on April 29, 2009 14:56
My core beliefs about being fat
I am not worth the energy required to take care of my own needs in a healthy balanced way.
The only way I can get the care and attention that I need is to worry the people who love me.
The easiest way to be invisible in the world is to be fat.
Kind Regards
Belinda
Posted by Simply.belinda | April 29, 2009 4:12 PM
Posted on April 29, 2009 16:12
Violet- a glimmer of hope is a very good thing! Every time I visit your blog I feel like if you can do what you do every day and still have a sense of humor then I can too! Max loves the Cheeto dust better than he likes the Cheetos.
Belinda- you and I are both wrong, you know. So we need to really work on changing those core beliefs. That is a daily effort in which you and I (and anyone else like us) needs to gently correct ourselves every time we feel those beliefs surfacing or hear ourselves saying them or acting on them. It takes time.
Kathy- you betcha! It's McCall's #M5469. You mean we might be twins?!! Yay! I love this shirt.
Emma- I know you've been through it all yourself. You have come to a point where you take very good care of yourself and it's inspiring. Thank you for your thoughts and support! I really like that dress/tunic too.
Michelle- Rieces Pieces, Rieces ANYTHING is my downfall. Aren't you super impressed I didn't inhale them?
Posted by angelina | April 29, 2009 4:38 PM
Posted on April 29, 2009 16:38
Yeah... I know and I try.
When I am being emotionally pushed to the wall I, like all of us, find it extraordinarily difficult to spend the extra energy required not to run those destructive patterns.
Kind Regards
Belinda
Posted by Simply.belinda | April 29, 2009 5:14 PM
Posted on April 29, 2009 17:14
Well what can I tell you. That 10-15 on the treadmill really does make me feel better. It can be more. But it has to be 15. I'm going to be 55 this year, and I know you 'girls' can do it.
Of course nothing I can say will ever change the way you feel, but I can only hope that you'd at least think about it..spending all this energy on disliking yourself is just robbing you of happy days .. you'll never get them back. Your family loves you, not your earthly body alone. Don't rob them of their happy days with you. AS I HAVE DONE WITH MY OWN FAMILY.
I nix the orange top, gathers above the boobs say look at me, I'm pregnant. I love the sleeves though. I like things that have the illusion of being fitted but the comfort of not really fitted. Love your fabrics.
I say for 10 minutes a day pretend that you are content with things. Hey, its just 10 minutes. You've got nothing to lose.
I support you in your efforts to gain control. xo
Posted by pam | April 29, 2009 6:48 PM
Posted on April 29, 2009 18:48
I've been overweight most of my life - so my core beliefs are all disgust for myself....years of self-loathing. (that is why I love my husband so much - I know he has totally accepted me for what I look like and am. That always makes me feel good no matter how much I hate myself)
The other day I was going through some old photos and found one of myself in College (age 21). Yes, I was overweight - but good lord, I was beautiful then. And I didn't think so...and my heart broke for that 21 year old.
Posted by Karmyn R | April 30, 2009 8:26 AM
Posted on April 30, 2009 08:26
Hi Angelina
I adore the dress pattern, I thing it will look great in the green eyelet. Which coincidentally, I have some identical looking fabric in my collection.
I would love to make myself a dress like that in all of my favorite colors.
I do not love the peach blouse. It’s only because I am a fan of wearing more fitted tops. I am paranoid about looking like I am with child. I also really like the slacks in the pattern with the dress. They look like they have nice clean lines and would be awesome with wide sleeve blouse in the last pattern. I hope you get the time to work on these. I can’t wait to see your finished garments
My Fat Truths:
1. If I wait until I’m thin to enjoy beautiful clothing and style I may be waiting forever. Why not look and feel beautiful everyday by taking care of myself and flaunting all of my best assets no matter what size I am. I will not punish myself for being fat.
2. My husband is the only man I really care to impress and he loves me unconditionally.
If he didn’t I wouldn’t be with him.
3. I will never let my weight stop me from getting what I want.
4. My family understands my struggle with my weight. It is my struggle, not theirs and when they give me unsolicited dieting advice I just smile and imagine gags on all of them. They mean well, but you don’t get to be 31 and overweight without experimenting with a lot of different type diets. I could probably write an extensive book on dieting.
Posted by Sarah | April 30, 2009 11:17 AM
Posted on April 30, 2009 11:17
Sara- I am just scared to wear something that makes a clearer outline of my protruding belly. I think I probably would be mistaken for pregnant in CA all the time, but up here I think I appear too old for people to make that mistake (people have babies MUCH younger in general up here). You are beautiful. Every time I see pictures of you I seriously enjoy how gorgeous you are and your style is ever present and very similar to what mine used to be before I kind of gave up.
Your core beliefs are so healthy. They are what I am working on changing mine into. I really love that you shared this here because I think a lot of us need to hear that.
Now- how come no blog updates from you? I have you on my reader. I want to know what you're up to- did you move? Are you planting a garden? Doing your Roller Derby? Please share!
Posted by Angelina | April 30, 2009 12:01 PM
Posted on April 30, 2009 12:01
Sarah said it best!! You go girl.
My Core Beliefs about Being Fat:
1. Being fat does not have to mean being unhealthy. I will never let it stop me from exercising. I have exercised 60 min x 4-5 days a week for years.
2. If people criticize me for being fat, they are the ones with a problem. I am ok with it, because I love and believe in myself.
3. Having confidence is an attractive human qualities. I will feel good and be more confident if I take care of my looks and wear nice clothes, whether I am thin or fat.
4. Being fat has no effect on my personality or intelligence. Those things are always with you. Use them to their fullest advantage.
Posted by Jade | April 30, 2009 12:51 PM
Posted on April 30, 2009 12:51
I cannot talk about being fat right now since I am on the edge of a mental breakdown, but re: the ADD books, I do have several, though they are geared more for adults. I'll send them to you if you'd like. I've read them :)
Posted by laura | May 5, 2009 5:18 PM
Posted on May 5, 2009 17:18