Style Philosophy Of The Thick And Richly Padded
I'm not sure it's entirely decent for a thirty six year old to wear striped ankle socks with mary janes. But if it weren't for my shoes and socks I would no longer recognize myself. Plus, they make me really happy.
Which you would never guess based on this photo taken yesterday to show off my new bob. That's right, I did the ol' chop chop. Good haircut by Carmen, but if she's reading this: Carmen, I can't put my fingers through my own hair...next time go easy on the products!) This picture is proof that I am still BOTOX FREE (Is it just totally unbelievable that I actually really like this picture of myself in spite of the bags drooping low? Jesus, I really am a grown up WOMAN and aging every day in body though my spirit feels as though it will never have any age at all. When I get all enthusiastic and spazzy about the things that make me happy and excited, I forget that this is what people actually see...a grown up woman in her late thirties babbling like a fifteen year old who just got her first tube of lipstick. No wonder people look at me like I crawled out of their closets drooling and cackling!)
I am going to avoid the subject of calories and exercise and instead conduct a little style quiz. There are a lot of philosophies about how to dress a large lady. Most of them revolve around the effort to reduce the appearance of girth, the effort to fool everyone into thinking you actually need to bulk up a little bit because you're looking so fashionably gaunt...Come On People! I can tell you that nothing I wear will make me look like I'm not the big person I am right now. The best I can hope for is to minimise how ridiculous I look trying to be fashionale. (Avoiding a the return of the tight leggings and big sweater look is a good start.)
I've been watching the movie "Beauty Shop" with Queen Latifah and Alfre Woodard for two days, over and over and I just can't get over how amazingly sexy and stylish those two women are. Neither of them can be called "thin" exactly, and Latifah can be said to have queenly proportions...yet neither of them are gorgeous "for their size" or stylish "for their size". They just are gorgeous and stylish, period. So how come I can't achieve that?
It's been pointed out by both Dominique and Philip that those ladies have stylists attending them all the time and a lot of money to spend on clothes that actually look great on them. I have no stylist and I can afford to shop at Ross and J.C. Penny's. I have had to also point out that Latifah and Woodard both have large breasts which make a large ass seem perfect and proportionate. I'm one of those unfortunate pear shapes which makes me look like I was pieced together from two seperate bodies like an impulsively built frankenstein.
I was trying to design a pinafore last night for the "Tie One On" apron challenge hosted by Angry Chicken (see my links). I was trying to come up with one that wouldn't make me look ridiculous while watching Latifah sashaying her sexy sizeable ass around and I was realizing that I'm just going to have to be my own stylist and designer. It's time to bring Headless Helen home to fit some garments on. But what will my design philosophy be? Tell me which rules for dressing large ladies you all think are actually important? (You should know that as a thin person I routinely broke the rules of good taste because so many of them are patently stupid.)
I am going to avoid the subject of calories and exercise and instead conduct a little style quiz. There are a lot of philosophies about how to dress a large lady. Most of them revolve around the effort to reduce the appearance of girth, the effort to fool everyone into thinking you actually need to bulk up a little bit because you're looking so fashionably gaunt...Come On People! I can tell you that nothing I wear will make me look like I'm not the big person I am right now. The best I can hope for is to minimise how ridiculous I look trying to be fashionale. (Avoiding a the return of the tight leggings and big sweater look is a good start.)
I've been watching the movie "Beauty Shop" with Queen Latifah and Alfre Woodard for two days, over and over and I just can't get over how amazingly sexy and stylish those two women are. Neither of them can be called "thin" exactly, and Latifah can be said to have queenly proportions...yet neither of them are gorgeous "for their size" or stylish "for their size". They just are gorgeous and stylish, period. So how come I can't achieve that?
It's been pointed out by both Dominique and Philip that those ladies have stylists attending them all the time and a lot of money to spend on clothes that actually look great on them. I have no stylist and I can afford to shop at Ross and J.C. Penny's. I have had to also point out that Latifah and Woodard both have large breasts which make a large ass seem perfect and proportionate. I'm one of those unfortunate pear shapes which makes me look like I was pieced together from two seperate bodies like an impulsively built frankenstein.
I was trying to design a pinafore last night for the "Tie One On" apron challenge hosted by Angry Chicken (see my links). I was trying to come up with one that wouldn't make me look ridiculous while watching Latifah sashaying her sexy sizeable ass around and I was realizing that I'm just going to have to be my own stylist and designer. It's time to bring Headless Helen home to fit some garments on. But what will my design philosophy be? Tell me which rules for dressing large ladies you all think are actually important? (You should know that as a thin person I routinely broke the rules of good taste because so many of them are patently stupid.)
The Rules For Dressing Large Ladies:
1. Always wear black.
2. Never wear bright patterns.
3. Never wear big patterns.
4. Always wear monochromatic color schemes.
5. Wear really baggy shirts and super tight leggings with white sneakers.
6. Wear shirts that show off your bosom but disguise your protruding belly.
7. Always wear mu-mus like Mrs. Roper.
8. Don't wear layers.
9. Wear garments that cling to your figure without being tight.
1o. Wear padded bras to look like you're meant to be large.
11. Wear midriff-baring tops and low rider jeans to show you're not ashamed of all the rolls
hanging out.
12. Wear everything two sizes too small so that you will actually appear two sizes smaller.
(Yeah, that one fools me every time.)
13. Don't dress like Laura Ingalls Wilder. (Anyone who knows me knows that I ALWAYS want
to dress like her. Weren't there fat girls back then? C'mon, wouldn't I look chic back in my
boots and a pioneer gown with a little modern Comme Des Garcons touch added?)
14. Say: "Fu*k you! I'm going all bright and obnoxious and if you think I'm an object of ridicule
at least I won't look like I was dressed by Barbara Bush!!@^%*&^&#^&"
Tell me what you think. I will probably disagree...but I really want to know. Which numbers do you think large ladies are best off following? I'm honestly thinking of doing a Regency/Comme Des Garcons/Angelina type hybrid of black layers and textures, avant garde cuts and boots. Yep, some confection that will make me look like a huge walking floaty fabric oragami big-chick. What do you all think? I especailly hope to hear from Autumn....
1. Always wear black.
2. Never wear bright patterns.
3. Never wear big patterns.
4. Always wear monochromatic color schemes.
5. Wear really baggy shirts and super tight leggings with white sneakers.
6. Wear shirts that show off your bosom but disguise your protruding belly.
7. Always wear mu-mus like Mrs. Roper.
8. Don't wear layers.
9. Wear garments that cling to your figure without being tight.
1o. Wear padded bras to look like you're meant to be large.
11. Wear midriff-baring tops and low rider jeans to show you're not ashamed of all the rolls
hanging out.
12. Wear everything two sizes too small so that you will actually appear two sizes smaller.
(Yeah, that one fools me every time.)
13. Don't dress like Laura Ingalls Wilder. (Anyone who knows me knows that I ALWAYS want
to dress like her. Weren't there fat girls back then? C'mon, wouldn't I look chic back in my
boots and a pioneer gown with a little modern Comme Des Garcons touch added?)
14. Say: "Fu*k you! I'm going all bright and obnoxious and if you think I'm an object of ridicule
at least I won't look like I was dressed by Barbara Bush!!@^%*&^&#^&"
Tell me what you think. I will probably disagree...but I really want to know. Which numbers do you think large ladies are best off following? I'm honestly thinking of doing a Regency/Comme Des Garcons/Angelina type hybrid of black layers and textures, avant garde cuts and boots. Yep, some confection that will make me look like a huge walking floaty fabric oragami big-chick. What do you all think? I especailly hope to hear from Autumn....