The 80 Pound Weight

I put it on, I can take it off

There is the most enormous task left to outline for this coming year. It is one that needs to be accomplished within the year. It needs to be attended to with the utmost degree of seriousness and concentration. Last year I told myself I was going to lose a lot of weight and I didn't. I wimped out fast. When I look back at the year I can see that I was immediately thwarted by bucket-loads of stress, money issues, moving, two mortgages and then the job hunt. I was deeply depressed and worse than that I lost all sense of self control and hope.

I didn't have good stress relieving tools worked out and available. It's easy to see why it didn't work. It's easy to also say "Well, you look fine. Don't worry so much about it." But don't. Don't give voice to any excuses for me. I don't need more excuses for how I got here.

The reason it's important that I lose 80 lbs this year is because carrying so much weight is hard on my feet, my joints, and most dangerous of all: my hips. My back hurts a lot and I am now prone to embarrassing skin conditions that no woman should ever have to admit to. I get out of breath easily. My feet hurt. I can't see my hoo-ha. All clothes are uncomfortable. Bending over to tie my shoes is becoming quite a comic act in which I fall over like a fat bear. I can't wear my own aprons and I only have about three pairs of pants that kind of fit which I wear all week and which are looking quite shabby. I can't afford to buy more clothes and it depresses me to consider making clothes for myself.

My self esteem is like a little tiny raisin that has been stepped on in the kitchen and is currently squished into the sole of my shoe where it makes little sticky sounds every time I take a step.

I have lost 40 lbs before and I didn't do it by using: diet pills, special diets, gizmos, supplements, substitute sugars, diet drinks, or giving up alcohol and cheese.

I achieved it by: exercising vigorously 3-4 times a week for an hour, not eating seconds, counting calories periodically, eating smaller portions, not snacking, not eating late, controlled amounts of cheese (measured to keep myself modest), and not drinking 4 out of 7 days of the week. Basically it was a simple equation of ENERGY IN/ ENERGY OUT.

I weigh 245 lbs right now. An all time high. I need to lose 80 lbs because I feel healthy and good about myself at 165 lbs. C'mon, you can all agree that that is hardly a skinny goal. 165 is a reasonable weight at which I can fit between a size 14 and 16 size which is reasonable to me. I couldn't give a rat's ass about being in the single digits. It isn't about being able to compare my size to anyone else's. It' s my own meter I am comparing myself to. I know what I felt like at 165.

I felt like I could probably stand to lose 10 lbs but I didn't feel a great deal of motivation. because I felt good. I enjoyed that I could find clothes that fit pretty easily and that my stomach didn't create it's own shadow. I could wear lots of stripes. And did. I could enjoy getting dressed up which makes it so much easier to boost my confidence when it's running low.

If I give myself one year to do it I will need to lose 1.55 lbs per week which is not out of the range doctors consider safe.

Here is my outline:

• Lose 1.55 lbs a week for a year.

• Drink alcohol only 3 out of 7 days of the week.

• Consume no more than 2,300 calories a week to start off with. The number can be lowered as progress is made.

• Exercise at least 20 minutes a day. Make it longer as stamina increases.

• No eating after 7 pm. Not because Oprah says so. The reason is because if I'm eating after 7pm it is almost guaranteed to be a cheesy item that I don't need.

• One day each week is a splurge day. Mostly for use when visiting and eating dinner with friends so that I don't have to be the obnoxious one asking if they could please make a less delicious and indulgent meal.

• Drink plenty of water. (4 pints is sufficient)

• Only weigh self one day a week. No obsessive checking please. Pick a day and stick to it.

I know I can do it. There are some finer details I will outline for myself later. Tomorrow I work all day so I will probably sit down on Sunday and outline for myself a list of ways I can reduce stress instead of drinking beer or grabbing my Tillamook. As I mentioned before I am going to be getting a tub that is deep enough to take relaxing soaks in and hopefully we'll have it and have it installed within the first month of January. I have a lot of other ideas but this is one I know will make a huge difference for me.

There is so much more wrapped up in this "diet" I need to be engaged in. I hate how much I've become a snacker when I didn't used to snack much at all. I love it when I'm comfortable enough in my own skin and body that I can put clothes on in the morning and not think about what I'm wearing again all day. Now I feel my clothes cutting into me and it bothers me- all-day-long. It's symbolic of getting a lot more under control than just my weight. A certain amount of self discipline has been gone for so long- self discipline is so important for caring for your mind. Having the strength to do things for yourself that will help maintain balance.

When I feel that my drinking and eating are reasonable and comfortable I feel so much more capable in general.

Don't encourage me to not tackle this one fiercely. Don't encourage me to downplay how important this is. I am not a person who has ever had an eating disorder. I don't have body dysmorphic issues. You don't have to worry about me developing crazy obsessions about food or thin-ness. So please don't, in trying to be helpful, tell me I'm just fine the way I am. I don't want to have to get a hip replacement before I'm 50 years old.

I want to walk into my 40th year a much lighter person who is ready for whatever is next. I want to get to 40 and have reclaimed the strong person I know I am. I want to arrive at January 6th 2010 wearing my Peace apron and knowing that I never have to stop wearing cherries and pom poms again.

I have always looked forward to developing my style as I age and I've spent the last four years becoming a person I don't recognize and whose dreary clothes have made me cry a whole lot. I imagine myself aging like Lauren Bacall, but in technicolor. I want to wear capes when I'm fifty and pencil skirts with work boots. I will enjoy getting older if I can enjoy seeing what new sartorial boundary I can stretch next. Clothes give me flight and they make me happy.

It's time to set the stage for a great new chapter. So I consider this year my dressing room year. I'm changing for a different role. I'm redressing and changing out of this body into the one I left behind.

Except the slightly gimpy hip. Nothing to do about that.

I enjoy getting to commiserate with old ladies about my hip trouble. They always think I don't know what it's like to feel the change in weather in their hip. Ha. I love messing with them!

This is something I am perfectly capable of achieving and I will do it.