The Feet Next Door

I would be a shoe whore if it weren't for one small problem that has nothing to do with money: my feet defy my every shoe wish and dream. They look normal enough. If you asked my neighbors what they thought about my feet they would probably say things like "They were really unobtrusive, you know, you would never have guessed about them the way they just kept to themselves." or "They always seemed normal. Not weird at all."

Or if you were to ask my friends and family they might say things like "Well, we knew they weren't size 5's, but we had no idea that feet could be so secretly WIDE." or "I was never more flabbergasted than when I found out what difficult big shits they were to Angelina. Seriously, I wouldn't put up with that kind of crap from feet."

This is the way people always talk about serial killers after they've been caught.

I have shoe lust. If I had unlimited funds I would never have ugly shoes. At least, that's what I tell myself when I really need to believe in God or some other holy intervention. Then I remember that whatever powers that be gave me these damn feet in the first place for which I'm not thanking anyone.

I have major shoe problems. I think that my foot and shoe problems give me some old lady cred that I intend to stretch as far as I can. When you don't buy the foot troubles I'll break out my broken hip card.

• First of all, my feet are only size 9. Or at least they would be if any size 9 shoe came in the custom width ESFW (Extra-Stupid-Fucking-Wide). I have had men's boots custom made for me in double D's that I managed to blow out* within a year. Since most shoes, even shoes labeled "wide", aren't remotely wide enough for my feet, I usually wear a size 9.5 or 10.

• The fact that I have, for most of my life, had to wear shoes a size too long for me my shoes develop interesting creases at the toe. Like clown shoes. I've been known to trip over my own damn shoes.

• It's not enough that I have ESFW feet, but my arches are insanely high. Most shoes are made for people with relatively flat feet. Because of this I experience a lot of foot fatigue. And pain.

• But that's not all...no, that's not all. In addition to all this fun I seem to have developed calcium deposits on the joints of my big toes which when wearing any shoes not in complete compliance with my orthopedic needs will cause almost unbearable pains to shoot up my feet for hours. Pains that are so sharp and long they sometimes reach my arms and slap me in the face.

• But the frosting on my foot-cake is that my feet are prone to fungal infections. FUNGUS PRONE.

So when I sit next to friends with dainty feet shod in gorgeous shoes I find it very difficult to keep my equilibrium. In fact, I once broke up with a boyfriend mostly because he made too many comments about my business partner's very small exquisite feet which I secretly wished would shrivel up and fall off her legs. She also had high arched brows and no brain farts which helped with her overall allure.

Is it any surprise I have trouble finding shoes that fit? That's not the only problem though. You thought that was it, because that's certainly enough. The other thing is I have a great number of opinions on shoe fashion. Here is a sampling:

• I hate toe "cleavage". I think it's crass and make shoes look like they don't fit properly. I hate the expression "toe cleavage" almost as much as I hate the expression "camel-toe" with regards to pants.

• I hate strappy spiked shoes which means I hate most shoes on the market today. I think they make women's feet look awful. Yes I do. I realize that I am going against an almost universal style obsession and I don't care.

• I love boots. Work boots, mostly. Sometimes I get romanced by the look of riding boots.

• I don't like experimental heel shapes. Basically if the heel looks like it was designed before the sixties there's a good chance I will like it. After that? Pfffffft! No way.

• I love Ghillie brogues. The lace up kind. I'm on my second pair. The first pair lasted me five years** (I had them resoled at least twice) and I love them. Men's shoes, when they're not repulsive, tend to fit me well. I've owned many. I've had my recent pair for five years as well. I was actually thinking of wearing them for the wedding.

A few years ago I found this pair of Chinese Laundry shoes on sale at Macy's. It is my dream pair of shoes. Except that I almost never wear such a tall heel.*** Gorgeous, red, with lovely details, a 1940's kind of vibe to it, and they were about 70% off...


I didn't have anywhere to wear them but I bought them. I've opened the box many times over the years and just admired their shiny goodness saying to myself "some day I'm going to wear these and look smashing!" never realizing that my freak feet would defy me in the end. I planned on wearing them with my wedding ensemble. Finally the perfect occasion to humiliate myself in tall heels but look fabulous while crashing to the ground in an Olympic trip and twist maneuver. I pulled them out of their box. Still brand new. Never worn.

I pushed my toes in to try them on again after all these years and then, when the rest of my feet wouldn't follow, I experienced the full weight of my shoe misfortune. I will never wear these gorgeous heels. Either my feet have continued to get wider over the years or the fat has finally reached my feet. Either way- my Imelda dreams are crushed.

I have visited every shoe shop between here and Portland and found nothing to go with my proposed outfit. How can this country be so devoid of shoes for me? I have the world's most normal looking freak-feet.

Next I will show you what they did to me at the MAC cosmetic store- they definitely achieved a bit of the fat cross-dressing prostitute type of look especially loved by the John Waters crowd. My family is going to absolutely LOVE IT!






*Not the same as a hair "blow-out". Blowing out the sides of your shoes means your shoes aren't wide enough for you and your feet are cracking the leather open. Manly, huh?

**A phenomenally long time for a person who usually destroys shoes between two months and a year.